Sometimes, now that I have been alone for sometime without the unconditional support that underpined my life for so long; I sometimes wonder, whether I might have been better off never having loved at all.
I don't mean, loving my parents, or family, but had a loving husband who I lost to death.
Would I have been as comfortable as I had been before we met, when I figured I was fated to be a nice auntie to my nephews and a sister to my brothers and sisters, most of who had already married or were still fairly young?
I didn't seem to be in terrible shape, physically or mentally. While it is true several of my friends had married, I personally hadn't seen anyone I wanted to marry. I was also absolutely sure that I didn't see anyone I thought I wanted as the father of my children.
The one person I thought I loved in my mid 20's was definitely not, I later realized, husband material anyway.
By the time I had reached my mid 30's I had accepted that, as I put it then, if God wanted me to have kids, he would have put a suitable father (for them) in front of me.
I also realized that delivering and then chasing after young kids is probably done more easily when you are younger yourself.
Nothing too deep, admittedly, but there you are. We are not all brilliant when we talk about our personal lives.
Anyway, even the week before I finally met the love of my life, I was still sceptical of a friend who assured me I would. Therefore, I never suspected that I would, within a few days, meet the next 20 years of my life. I could not imagine that I was about to be happier and feel more secure than I might have imagined emotionally, intellectually and in every other way.
Whenever, I think of this, I remember how I was uplifted and absolutely certain that I was always supported and encouraged and approved of. Best of all, I was understood and still accepted.
No one is saying one person makes every single thing in your life complete or that every day was perfect; that only occurs when you are asleep or watching a movie. Probably not even then, because it's not your 'real life' story.
Your life, however, is better. It's like having a warm bath around you, or someone 'behind you' supporting your shoulders, or a hug.
Best of all, when you take a chance on love, though it might be a triumph of hope over experience, love might actually be mutually shared and, amazingly reciprocated. I highly recommend it.
NOTE: SEE ALSO - GOOD GRIEF - THE CONSOLATION OF MOURNING and
SAY IT NOW AND MAKE LIFE BETTER
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