BUILDING A NEW LIFE - A FEW YEARS OF WAKING UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED

BUILDING A NEW LIFE - A FEW YEARS OF WAKING UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED

I never thought I would be grateful to be a Widow, but now I am delighted to be alone and free of high drama, big upsets, arguments, 'parasites' and hissy fits, all of which I have either recently personally experienced or witnessed around me.

Shortly after I was Widowed, I met several people I had not seen for about 20 years. Several of them had prospered in their careers; in one case I met someone's adult son; a couple of the women had been Widowed, and all of us definitely had some catching up to do.

It was not long however, before a never married fellow I had known in my 20's started to tell me that if I were ever to interest a man again, I should rebuild myself, beginning with fitness, such as swimming or rowing.

Another man, I had hardly known before, but always been shy of, volunteered that men his/our age, were interested in women half the man's age. Beside this, I would be wise to learn that Man was the most important person in a relationship. Although I knew he meant, that we should be more interested in another person than ourselves, I did not find a suggested subservience either palatable or substantiated by my own personal experiences.

Meanwhile, a couple of widowed Woman told me of their experiences and that men look at Widows as Nurses or Wallets.

A close friend meanwhile, told me that being Widowed was just like being Divorced. I think she meant, both involved Mourning. When I thought about it later I realized that it might not be so. A Divorced person might very well wish they would never see their former spouse again; A Widow on the other hand would give anything to see their spouse again, even for a minute.

Eventually, I had heard from a lot of people, both younger and older. I had been told about a vast array of experiences, by many people, all of who were sincerely interested in building and experiencing a lasting relationship with someone.

After a couple of strange personal experiences of my own - feeding a never married guy for a year in a sort of BFF girlfriend type relationship; and later, having my place used as a comfortable hotel for someone saving all of his own money for his retirement, I decided that something was rotten with the state of personal relationships.

There is some truth to the Widow joke(s), however finding the quality of person who you were happily married to and used to having in your life, sometimes seems impossible. Possibly this can't be helped and in any case, life is going to take you in a different direction anyway regardless of what has gone before.

Maybe, as one of the television online dating service adverts says, 'the last time I was dating, the Internet didn't exist'. In short, whatever advice, various people were offering me, didn't correspond to anything I had experienced before.

On a bad day in 2012, when I wrote most of this, I was convinced that the current malaise infesting relationships made it unlikely that anyone could overcome it. More objectively, what I think I see is a lot of men and women who are trying to talk to each other, most expressing bewilderment and wondering whether men and women can ever understand each other.

Regardless, what seems especially daunting today, in view of the giant 'reality show' that people are 'playing' in as their lives, it may just be harder than ever to form a lasting relationship. Unrealistic expectations, obsessive interest in material things and impatiently wanting it all, however unrealistic, likely means that many, perhaps most, relationships will be short lived and unsuccessful.

I wish others well in the search for a 'soul mate', partner, friend, lover, husband, wife, father, mother for their children, or to remarry after divorce or simply rebuild a life after becoming widowed.

For myself, I accept that the freedom I enjoy is a blessing that comes at the price of some solitude which I live with. I also acknowledge and appreciate that I was given a great gift in my life for longer than most people ever get. Today I recognize how precious my friends, family and the many, many nice people I have around me are, in a way I probably never would have otherwise.