A LEGEND IN THEIR OWN MIND

Clint Eastwood in 1983 put the phrase into the English language in the course of the movie Sudden Impact when he said, “I know...You’re a legend in your own mind”.

Recently I’ve been amazed to encounter two old men who might just believe this of themselves.

One of these was in the Doctor’s office where I was, I swear (for the first time ever) getting an address on my cell phone. This little beauty, who I identified (of course) as a short, fussy little wuss, pompously told me without preamble and time to apologize, to leave and make my call elsewhere.

Since most Canadians, particularly those who are civilized, do not make angry demands outright, almost ever, without some politeness preceding it, I advised the nurses that this man (translation: creature) wanted me to move out of the office area. Of course, I needed to tell them where I could be found completing my call.

As you can see, I am not Suzy Sunshine 24/7 so I did not offer this savage an apology for disturbing him (as I normally would have) had he been more civil.

It just shows you that he, or the second man who monopolized a t.v. remote in another office with a boring (to me) 2 hour programme, are both part of the recent intolerance of other people that is out there today.

Most Women understand very well what a Mid-Life Crisis means since they, or someone they know, has or is living through the result of one in their marriage.

Most Women also are awestruck but the amazing self-confidence or self-delusion of the type of ‘dirty old man’ who seems to feel that he is God’s Gift to Women. Personally I blame his Mother for this, but it is too late and he cannot be cured. At best, you will soon walk away and hopefully never see him again.

But seriously, are there really people out there, who believe they are so special we should all be impressed? I sure hope not.

Nevertheless, today on the Subway, I saw a young guy wearing a T shirt with a really large (convention style) label printed on it which read: My Name Is – AWESOME.

Maybe he thought he was AWESOME. I suspect he bought the shirt for himself. Maybe he feels people should know he is Awesome. Then again maybe his name is Awesome. The alternative is, that like a small child, a name tag is necessary so that he can be returned home - to whoever let him leave the house in that T-shirt.

As we all have heard, however, the ‘female of the species is deadlier than the male’. The Praying Mantis is cited for ‘biting off the head’ of her partner. Surprisingly, not many Women are called ‘Praying Mantis’, but they could and maybe should be, because of how they behave to Men.

Most of us are familiar also with that ‘special’ Woman “The Princess” a.k.a. “Daddy’s Little Girl” in some cases. Our society seems to be able to accommodate this (usually) consummate consumer quite nicely. Almost every luxury brand on earth will offer her premium service, with a smile.

The above might also be the type who considers the terms High Maintenance or confuses the word Demanding for Discerning and thinks the terms define exalted status and ‘Class’. In reality, those around her delete the first two letters in Class and hope she will soon go away…forever.

Call me Old Fashioned, but I’ve always found the classiest person to be the one who has the ability and breeding to treat all people equally. This is the kind of person who treats others as they themselves wish to be treated. They are also most likely to be the same people who do not think they are special or better than everyone else. They are definitely not walking around thinking or expressing their unqualified conviction (usually in a loud voice) that they are a ‘Legend in their own minds”. 

RESTORING PASSION

I read again today that every Woman would love to have one more grand and passionate love affair. I think the speaker said Woman, but it must apply to Men too, otherwise why would there be a 'MID-LIFE CRISIS' in the lexicon.

There comes a time for all of us when we suddenly realize we are older. We might almost say it's the day when we stop pretending we are older as you do when you are growing up and start to define yourself by the nearest year under the next decade that you think you might get away with.

Everyone knows someone who is having a 20th+ Anniversary of their 29th Birthday. I read somewhere that no one ever feels that they are older than 32. If this is so, it explains why people in their 70's and 80's climb up on ladders and think they can do the same things they did in their youth.

Human nature seems always to see us accomplishing things and moving forward. However, there is a day that comes, regardless of how we try to delay it that we look back wistfully and wish, if only for a moment, that we still were at whatever age we felt happiest.

A lucky few may feel that day of greatest happiness, but I am almost certain that most of us would think it was at least a decade earlier than today.

We are a passionate species, passionate about ideas and our interests, passionate in our emotions about things we like and even more so about those we hate. Many emotions, some happy and some sad or angry. Some showing disappointment but,
more often still with a grain of optimism pushing us forward into the next day.

I understand wistfulness for that perfect time when we feel we were 'on top of the world' or carefree, or happiest. I think it's good to remember how we felt then. I also think that feeling this again can give us something to think about and give us a clue what it would feel like to make everyday, from now on, feeling like that to us again.

SOMEONE ELSE IS ALWAYS PERFECT

Have you ever met anybody who you think is Perfect? Perfect looks, perfect clothes, a perfect voice, a perfect manner; in short, Perfect. Most of us have, and one thing most of us know for sure is, it isn’t us.

Many years ago I met a very beautiful young Woman. Incidentally, I was about 2 years younger than her. Within a short time we were very good friends. This was so much so that sometimes when we spoke together about something I would not be able to tell you who said what because either of us would have said the same thing. We established a fine and lasting Friendship that endures to this day.

One day several months after I met her however, this very pretty Girl, who had become my dear Friend, sat down on the floor and began crying like her Heart was breaking.

When she could speak, she told me that she was crying because she wasn’t perfect. I was completely surprised because I knew she was serious. I was also amazed because I actually thought she was as close to perfect as I had ever seen anyone be in ‘real life’.

Although, this was a long time ago, I continue to see that beauty and perfection, within my friend as a person, both inside and out.

At the time of the crisis however, after I got over my total surprise at what had upset my friend, I was able to tell her immediately that I had never had her problem; worrying about perfection.

I immediately cited a list of some of the things I saw wrong about myself. In self defence, although, I wouldn't normally point out or draw attention to my weaknesses and flaws, I was actually only expressing my personal list of what most of us feel about ourselves.

It is amazing sometimes to hear another person telling you about what he/she feels is wrong with them. For example, at the simplest level, if their hair is straight, they wish it was curly and vice versa.

With most Women you don’t even need to ask whether they think something is wrong with them. You probably can just skip that step and ask them outright about “what part of your body is a problem for you”? You will probably almost always get a baffling answer. It will confuse you as to how, and possibly also why, they could possibly feel this way. To you this ‘problem area' looks perfectly normal.

Men are not immune, although to us Women, it is a source of amazement, and sometimes amusement, that some pretty messy and obtuse males appear to be oblivious to their own appearance, yet freely criticise that of others, especially Women.

Maybe it’s in the genes, but most Women can spot ‘Mr. Macho’ at 20 paces. This is probably because we can tell he is confident that he would be perfect for any of us. The way he behaves, we are certain that he probably answers the question, “Do you think I’m sexy?” with an unequivocal YES. 

Look at a few couples and you can tell who has confidence or a thick skin. It is amazing to try and figure out how two different species got together when they are physically (at least) so mismatched.

What I’m saying is that next time you see someone you think is Perfect in real life (as opposed to airbrushed cover photos of magazine Models and Movie Stars), consider how perfect you actually are and go and let a bit of your own light show and emanate out into the world. 

TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCT

The more I think about it, the more we push aside our suspicions and uneasiness that something is not right in a situation, the more likely we are to find out, later on, that we should have paid attention.

When the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You (2009) came out, one of the most important things it told us is that when we want someone or something to fill a need in our lives, we will convince ourselves that any reservations we have can be ignored and that everything is, or soon will be, fine.

When our hopes are not realized, when nothing comes of what we hoped was a promising situation, it might only be much later that we admit to ourselves that we were hoping that somehow, something exceptional will happen and give us what we thought we wanted or needed at the time.

Instead it is more likely that we likely will not fulfil our dreams by trying to force a situation to be what we want it to be. More likely, it is almost inevitable that instead we will have some of our worst fears realized.

At best, some disappointment or disillusionment is almost inevitable when we realize that our hope to reform, change or remold reality to fit our hopes is not going to happen.

Eventually I concluded that regarding people, especially a partner, that if you don’t like 90% of what you see in a person, you might best keep moving.

I understand very well that in your mind (and mine, all too often) we both feel (or have felt) that a person would be perfect, if only, we could change the other person.

When this happens again, and it will, since we are all human, don’t beat yourself up. Try to incorporate the fact that when we want something we sell it to ourselves.

Because this is what it is in our nature to do, even when we know it will not give us what we want, eventually work toward trusting your instincts more and responding to them, not dismissing them. Like a headache, they are an early warning system that something is not what it should be.

Along with this conscious awareness that we are having doubts, we can perhaps eventually stop ourselves from pushing them aside while hoping we might have our needs met now.

Although it is harder and requires patience and withdrawal from temptation to settle for what we sense instinctively is not right for us, it is important to do just that. 

When you consider how much time and energy we are about to tie up before we are free to move ahead again; trusting the warning signs may help to avoid delaying the fulfilment of your dreams even longer. 

Being aware and thinking about what your dreams are, and how wonderful it would feel to have them become reality, can help us avoid more trouble and wasted time.

I assure you that you actually know when the real and authentic person or thing comes along because, your gut instinct just confirms everything you see and feel. It is right because it feels right and everything from what we both see and feel comes together naturally. 

BALANCING ACT

In a life that seems to be a balancing act already, if we let unexpected and additional detours knock us off course, we will find it more difficult to refocus and restore balance in our lives.

Having a routine helps a bit. It gives us a regular structure or at least, some parameters to guide us through the regular essential elements of our day.

It is almost essential that you also allow additional travel time when you live in a badly organized city. In some ways this is just one more cause of stress you must work with and around as you try to manoeuvre through your day and somehow get all you need to get done.

As for the political class, the less time and energy we waste on this subject the better. Suffice it to say, that today’s politicians aren’t interested in anything much other than themselves once they are in power. That power to increase their allowances, salaries and perquisites, at will, proves to them that they truly lay golden eggs.

Last week I talked about the unexpected and unwelcome surprise of a root canal and tooth repair. You cannot plan for such unexpected things. Usually you need to accept that you will need immediately to somehow find some time and money to address the problem now.

Nevertheless, at the same time I could not have expected an additional problem of coming home to kitchen cupboards which had, in my absence, had rust coloured pest control powder inserted at the sides of each shelf. It was only today that I realized that all of my mugs, glasses, dinner plates and serving dishes have been sitting amidst the bug powder for a week.

En route to my root canal this morning therefore, I made a stop at the management office of my complex to express my distress and dismay. I believe my concerns were met with, at best disdain and indifference.

Walk to my corner and you encounter more than 2 blocks of a construction zone with much of the road blocked off in preparation for future demolition to add to the new building construction under way and already in scaffolding which has blocked off those areas for a long time already.

In a life that seems to be a balancing act already, in self defence, we need to plan ahead for the unexpected detours that will otherwise knock us off balance. 

ANNIVERSARIES

Yesterday was the 9^th Anniversary of my beloved husband’s death. I have done a variety of things over the years to commemorate his passing. Usually I make a point of not going out with anyone else as it seems difficult to pay attention to them when my mind is so obviously elsewhere.

The First Anniversary was, as I feared it might be, a disaster. It was made worse because I met a relative who wanted to celebrate my Birthday (from the week before) on the same day. 

As usual, when you do not follow your instincts you could have, and I should have, predicted disaster. I was especially angry with myself because I felt a celebration was a desecration of my husband’s memory. It took me a long time to forgive myself for making this disaster possible and inevitable.

On the Fifth Anniversary, I took his ashes ‘HOME’ to where he grew up and spent a most happy Childhood and Adolescence. It was the right thing to do. I knew then and I know now that it was the right thing, despite that, his remains are so many miles away from me geographically.

Yesterday I spent the day with a good Friend. She is also Widowed – 2 years before me. She and her Husband knew my Husband long before I met him. I always know she understands me because of this personal connection with him. Even more than another Widow, I am grateful that she and I can reflect and remember together when we need to. Beyond this I have the gift of someone who understands perfectly what we have missing from our lives with these losses we share.

When you have a Miracle in your life, be grateful while you can and appreciate it. When it has to end, remember and be consoled. Love is the greatest gift. Some never have it. When you did and when you do, understand that it is irreplaceable. Cherish it, treasure it and remember the wonder of it and be grateful for the priceless gift you were given in your life.*

*A much happier Anniversary yesterday also was that of my youngest Sister and her Husband. They and their two lovely children get to celebrate the new Family they formed after both of our Parents were deceased. The miracle endures and I celebrate with them and they understand my own Anniversary is a different passage that we as a Family share.

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE?

Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up and feel that today was the start of the rest of your life? Wouldn’t it be nice to be as happy, and carefree – even for a moment – as you and I think we were when we were children? Wouldn’t it be nice to have everything to look forward to and few regrets to look back at? Wouldn’t it be nice?*

I wonder when I think like this whether I have started daydreaming of an impossible place that never was and can never be. 

I think however, that it is human nature to dream and speculate and plan. Thankfully life is a process, a journey which we embark upon and which unfolds with or without our active participation. Because of this, some of our plans and dreams actually become reality.

I am not Fatalistic. I do not believe that every moment of our lives is predestined and already playing out automatically without my input and beyond my control. 

I am not convinced either that I am in total control of each and every event in my life and therefore, with few exceptions I have all the power over myself and those around me to seize and control my destiny.

I guess instead I am more likely a person on a journey who has somehow retained a bit of optimism that good things come to those who look for them, just as bad and sad things come to those who expect them. I actually like a few surprises in life and having some unexpected things happen from time to time.

The wonder of it all is that on life’s journey, many things have turned out to be better than what I planned for, speculated about, imagined or dreamed about. Like the late Fortune magazine publisher Malcolm Forbes, I am experiencing More Than I Dreamed**. It is my burden to have to dream about something new. Poor me.

I am the first to admit that I have had, and continue also to have unexpected and decidedly unwelcome surprises – i.e. the root canal coming up next week I learned today that I must have.

Perhaps overall I have some how succeeded in making my life into a triumph of Optimism over Experience. What I can influence and organize of it, makes it possible for me to have enough to work with that I can continue moving forward.

*Wouldn't It Be Nice? (Song) The Beach Boys - 1966

**More Than I Dreamed/a Lifetime of Collecting, 1989 Malcolm S. Forbes and Tony Clark

LIVE LONG ENOUGH AND...

If you live long enough you will know a few things almost as well as you know your own name.

You will for example know that many, maybe even most days the sun will come out tomorrow; day follows night; death and taxes are inevitable. Life no one gets out alive and you will meet good and not so good people in the course of your life.

If you live long enough you will truly have outlived most, if not all, of your friends. You will also have outlived almost everyone you liked and disliked. That is why you will have learned that there really is a time and a season for everything.

You might also realized that there is enough time to do a lot of the things you really want to, but, possibly not enough time to stop dreaming of something you might yet like to do. That is, if you are enjoying living.

Live long enough and you will have learned that money won’t buy you love. Money also won’t buy you time or happiness.

Live long enough and you may have learned a lot about what your priorities were, could have been, should have been, might have been other than what they were.

Live long enough and you might have learned how to live, love and be happy. I hope you do, just as I hope I live long enough to learn this the most important thing I need to live long enough to learn.

YOU TALKING TO ME?

Some mornings you wake up and wonder where you are? For the past couple of weeks I have been wondering why I let someone give me some ‘free advice’ and secondly, why I am still carrying it around with me.

Why did I not instead ask them if they were talking to me, and whether for some reason I looked like I needed their unsolicited advice? But I did not, so here I am still paying for it.

I have tried all of the things I usually do to put expensive ‘free advice’ behind me, but none of them has completely removed the annoyance from my life. 

Frustrating that distraction, movie watching, talking to nice and caring people, going out, emergency dental work and a doctor’s visit haven’t succeeded.

Now you know why I consider ‘free’ advice so costly. At the very least it wastes productive time and gives you a pain somewhere. This latest round has been no exception.

Maybe I should wear earplugs or hum out loud to myself. Seriously, I have now lived long enough to know that this too shall pass, but in the meantime I wish I’d told the ‘advice giver’ to tell it to someone who cares.  

BUSY BEING BUSY

We all know someone who is, and who will always be, BUSY. This person was busy when we met them, they were busy 10 years later, and if I called them now, they would tell me how busy they are.

Recently a movie came out called HOW DOES SHE DO IT? In the film we meet the person busy HAVING IT ALL. She is trying to be everything to everybody in her life at the same time. Ultimately something has to stop so that she can catch up with herself, because nobody can do all the things which such a person is trying to do.

Some of us wouldn’t try to do so much anyway, but faced with someone as driven as this ‘busy’ person, we soon discover that they feel a need to make it their busy-ness to tell us what we should be doing with our lives. They usually often also need to make us guilty for not being as busy as they are.

Beyond this, they will explain how what they are doing is just so right and modern and so of the moment. In fact, the whole exercise is likely to push us into wondering whether we are missing the plot if we don’t add more busy-ness to our own lives.

My answer, when I can’t avoid being given the third degree by this busy person (about the next 20 projects I could/should/might take on in order to live a fuller life), is to consider how directly I need to tell them to mind their own busy-ness, so that I can go back to living my own life, and they can go back to whatever it is they are actually doing with theirs. 

NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED

About a week ago, I mentioned that I overheard and shortly after spoke with a Woman trying to book a trip to Europe at a Travel Agent. I spoke about how she had more ideas about what she might not be able to do than anyone I’d ever met and I ultimately saw her as someone living a life full of limitations.

Though I might comment on someone timid and afraid of life because I am observing something I just saw, I have to admit that you and I might recognize and comment on someone like this because, beneath the surface she could easily be me or you.

Denial will not work since I know that many of the things I might have considered trying to do when I was younger have long ago become things I know I would not even consider doing now. I wonder about that person sometimes. Would she really have tried Skydiving? How much longer would she have been ready, willing and able to take off for anywhere, anytime had she not suddenly let a new found ‘fear of flying’ ground her for a full 20 years?

When something is true and we know it, people admit (if only to themselves) that the speaker is right. Join me in admitting - NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED and then consider what you and I might be able to do about it.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

Most of us have heard this expression. I actually believe it because I’ve seen it happen many times in my life.

Let’s face it, no one is perfectly happy all the time. Even in a relatively happy life there are times when we seem to need to blow off steam, and express our annoyance or anger about something that happened to us.

In fact, sometimes we wish we could retaliate and do unto others, exactly what they have just done unto us. At the very least, we find someone we can complain to. Usually we just feel angry and upset and, at worst, carry around our bad feelings about the incident for a while.

Some people might take this further and actually try to ‘payback’ the other person. I don’t think you actually do yourself much good by descending to the level of the person who you feel harmed you.

I do believe however, that in the long run, we all reap what we sow. In a garden this might be fruit, vegetables, grapes or flowers. In life, it is having good or bad things happen to us. In other words, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. What we need to do is move forward and enjoy fully all that we have worked to deserve.

Eventually life usually repays the harm or the good that we do, and which others do to us, sometimes in far harsher or surprisingly more wonderful and unexpected ways than any of us could have imagined.  

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU'LL GET

I was just sitting here thinking that I wish there was some way we could all spread some sunshine all over the place and put on a happy face. Someone thought about this and wrote a song about it.*

Meanwhile, I’ve had a lot of black thoughts recently about how sometimes all of us, me right now especially, can feel really taken advantage of. The result of this kind of preoccupation can lead to a very negative outcome. In fact, if you and I aren’t careful all the good stuff that is happening at the time, goes right past us and we don’t even notice it.

Last Saturday was my Birthday but I was still annoyed about a couple of people in my life who I felt were taking me for granted. As a result, I had a very odd day.

The calls that came in on my message machine did not make me as happy as they usually did. I was more preoccupied with the people who had rained on my parade than those who were remembering me and celebrating with me.

Luckily for me, celebratory events and surprises continue. The day after one of my sisters, her husband and my niece arrived with balloons, a cake and coffee and treats for me to enjoy that day and every day since. This was a unique celebration since often we do not meet up until long afterwards and usually I only get a phone call from them. What a wonderful surprise and a blessing.

By looking at some past event, I had been carrying around, I risked missing all of the good around me. That it was around my birthday made it stand out more. However, what I am saying is that any day can become a bad one if you let it be clouded over by gloomy thoughts. Something to think about since WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU’LL GET.

*PUT ON A HAPPY FACE – 1958 Musical - BYE, BYE BIRDIE

YOUR MIND IS A GARDEN

“YOUR MIND IS A GARDEN, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE THE SEEDS, YOU CAN GROW FLOWERS OR YOU CAN GROW WEEDS”.

The above quote is anonymous. I think I would like to know the person who understands that we have a choice in life about whether we are going to think positively and make something beautiful of our lives, or whether we will end up letting everything go negatively instead.

Many of us think too much about what we might do, could do, should do and then we take a break from all this thinking and go and watch television until guilt again makes us think again. The result is usually a sort of vicious cycle of procrastination.

As someone once said, when you are ready to change you will. Maybe you will change because you want to. Then again maybe you will change because you need to.

Whatever the reason and whenever you begin to make the necessary changes in your life; keep in mind that you have a choice to make the garden a beautiful place or let all the flowers die and convince yourself that weeds are natural and lovely gifts from nature. 

USE YOUR MISTAKES AS STEPPING STONES

Learning to stop carrying your mistakes around with you is one of the important lessons each of us must learn if we are going to move forward.

Instead of carrying them around, we should put them down and under our feet and use them as stepping stones.

In fact, the best thing we can do is put them down. Each of us knows they are heavy, especially if we have been carrying them around for a while. Because they are heavy to carry, they might as well be useful too. That is why I am suggesting we place them under our feet and use them to move forward and past them.

This will not happen however, until we consciously decide to put them down and stop carrying them around in our minds. Otherwise we will continue to let the past weigh us down every day and hold us back when we try to move forward.

To do this, each of us has to realize, how much time we waste when we don’t let the past go. Those things we consider we did wrong are worse than most of the things we remember in our memories about the way our lives unfolded in the course of living.

We may feel anger at ourselves, dismay or disgust, if we feel we were either foolish or did something we consider harmful to someone else or acted against our beliefs. Nevertheless, reliving some incident over and over again, isn’t going to make it go away. In fact, reliving something gives it power and time better spent moving forward.

I have noticed several times that something from the past has often been forgotten long ago by other people around me. In fact, something that bothers us so much, may not have made much of an impression on other people even at the time it occurred either. 

Even if something we did effected our lives in the past, and those of other people around us; most people have probably forgotten about it long ago. It is likely that it is only in our own mind that this ‘mistake’ still resonates and actively continues to bother us.

As we live our lives, each of us has a variety of experiences. Memories accompany each of them. Some of them are wonderful and happy ones; others are more like heavy baggage weighing us down. 

Each of us accumulates Baggage. However, if we don’t put it down, we become used to its weight. We carry it around with us as a part of our lives. We will never know what a welcome relief we would feel were we to put it down, if we don't let them go.

Perhaps by writing about this, you and I also, will unload some of the junk we are self-conscious about and have been needlessly weighing ourselves down with. By taking our ‘mistakes’ and putting them away with other things from the past, we can use them as something else we learned from life and remake them into stepping stones to move forward a little lighter.

BECOMING MORE OPEN TO CHANGE

How we see the world, and how the world sees us, is an important part of our daily lives. In this, as in many areas of our lives, we can have more control than we think we have.

For example, when we first meet new people, we have only the information about them that is front of your eyes. Most people (sometimes weirdly) present themselves by the way they dress.

Most of us, upon seeing a stranger, almost unconsciously, use visual clues and make judgments about the person based on how they are dressed. We actually decide whether this person is approachable and might be friendly by the way they have chosen to present themselves to the world.

Since we use these visual clues to determine how we respond to people, visual clues also give us some indication of how a new person we encounter sees themselves as well as, how they want to be identified. A strangers attire and beyond this, their facial expressions therefore play a major role in how comfortable we feel when we first meet them.

Therefore, when you wish to make changes in your life, particularly those relating to how other people might perceive or respond to you, you might begin by making changes to your appearance.

A haircut or hair colour change is one of the easiest ways to make changes to your appearance. In clothing, accessorizing might give each outfit you wear a focal point which might work to make you more approachable. An interesting accessory, T shirt or signature piece might work as a conversation starter the same way the book you are reading sometimes does. By changing the style of clothing, the colours you wear or by accessorizing, you might create a new image and impression about yourself.

Larger changes to your life, however, will likely involve being willing and able to making changes beyond ones to your attire or overall appearance.

The other day, while waiting for a travel agent I overhead the preceding customer discussing possible travel plans. I couldn’t help but hear her comment several times that some of the suggestions being made wouldn’t work. As she was leaving I suggested a couple of possibilities that had worked for me for European trips.

According to this woman, she was a light sleeper; she wouldn’t know how to get around by herself; she didn’t think she could find a train station (wherever she went) and besides she wouldn’t know how to buy a ticket etc. By seeing limitations, instead of possibilities whenever a suggestion was made to her, her options became rather limited.

In other words, it was easy to see that, making a fourth trip to England might be all that she might hope to manage when all of her (self-imposed) limitations were considered.

I have recently realized that if you have decided to limit yourself and either cannot, or will not, see a way beyond your comfort zone, your life will not have much room in it for new things. At the same time, other people might see you as very timid and afraid of life.  

It is not unusual, even today, to speak with people who have never travelled outside of their own countries, you might also notice that some of these people also have a provincial perspective about life. I suspect that this could extend to an unwillingness or inability to try new things.

Although, I personally do not spend much time worrying about whether my behaviour meets with someone else’s approval, it occurs to me however that some people do. Not everyone can say that “until someone pays my bills, I am not very interested in their advice about how I run my life”.

Whereas in my own life, it is important that I can accomplish what I need to do each day without a lot of complications and I continue therefore to look for ways to make life simpler; I can see that other people might not feel as comfortable as I do in initiating things themselves. Others might also be uncomfortable about spontaneously introducing new people and things in their lives.

Each of us probably has a ‘comfort zone’ which gives a structure to our lives and lets us get through our days without too many complications. We draw upon our past experiences, what we have learned and what we know, to determine how to approach the situations we encounter each day.

What works for one person might not work for someone else. What seems easy for one of us might not be for someone else.

Something I find easy might not be as easy for someone else or vice versa for something which they accomplish with ease and I could not.

Meanwhile, regardless of our comfort zone, the ‘global village’ brings more of the world into our lives than ever before. Our work environment may introduce new ideas in our lives. More than ever before, Technology and the Media continuously present us with a lot of new information.

When we are willing and able to allow new things into our lives, we have a chance to be learning something new all the time. In fact, I wonder whether our ability to accept and welcome new ideas might actually determine how much of life we are able to enjoy.

How we see the world around us probably depends upon how comfortable we are with change and how open we are to new ideas. Some people might say the more something changes, the more it remains the same. That is the view that someone who feels that whatever happens it’s just the same old thing. 

Others change their hair colour and environment as often as they can.

Although, personally I know that constant change would probably be too much for me, I personally admire the openness and ability which some people have to accept frequent changes in their lives.  

That one person is able to make changes easily and another isn’t won’t alter the fact that life around us brings changes to us and that living actually involves change.

I suggest therefore that we keep the things in our lives that work for us, but try and not limit ourselves by trying to keep everything the same as we think it was before. That would ultimately be a futile struggle.

Possibly a change in hair style or clothing is all we can contemplate initially. Our willingness and openness toward learning about something new however, might go further towards making our lives more interesting. Among other things, it could give us something new to share with others,  enable us to become more open to letting other new ideas into our lives and might ultimately bring us a more interesting future.     

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

I have met a lot of people. Being naturally gregarious by nature, it is almost inevitable that every day I will meet someone new. What I have found is that, with few exceptions, most people are friendly and fall within the range of what, for lack of a better description, I would call normal.

By normal I mean, that generally most of the people I meet each day are living their lives, and going about the daily tasks they need to accomplish without making a big public display or seeking somehow to have everyone around them notice them. These exceptions are probably part of a different story anyway.

Generally most of us spend our time in a way we have found works for us. We have some habitual things we do and usually our day proceeds in a fairly regular way.

Some of us may not feel there are enough hours a day to get everything we need to get done. Beyond this however, the days, weeks, months and yes, even years, pass fairly predictably and generally without great changes.

For most of us therefore, life is usually fairly routine and regular. In fact, life would actually be quite a bit more difficult if we didn’t have some regular routine to take us through each day.

What therefore do you do when this ‘regular routine’ has become stale and you feel like you need a change? So where and how do we start when we know we need to make some changes to our lives?

We know logically that either going on strike, or turning our lives upside down to shake them up overnight, isn’t likely to work. Likewise, for most of us the option of staying in bed or hiding away at home indefinitely is also out of the question.

For some of us, particularly Women, many of us usually find a good place to start is with a new hairstyle. While some of us may need to wear a hat to cover the weird hairdo for a while, we can be fairly confident that one day, usually a few weeks from now, it will be safe for the hat to come off. Besides, experience has taught us that, whatever happens, most hair usually grows back eventually.

In the same way, changing the colour of our nails is another safe and temporary way to change something without too much risk to our well being. Clothing, accessories and other changes to our appearance are similar things we can do to bring some immediate change into our lives.

In my case, the turquoise toe nail polish was a step out of my comfort zone but, no permanent change was made. My elderly American Cousins may have thought their Canadian Cousin had chosen an odd colour for her toes, but hopefully otherwise I sounded and behaved relatively normally.

But there are also times when a big change is in order. Usually we feel this after a long time of doing things in the same way. When even we are bored with ourselves, our routine and the predictability of our lives; larger change may be in order. But how do we change and more importantly, where do we start? I suggest there is no better place than the present.

Many years ago, I remember being very impressed with Gestalt Therapy. Gestalt, appeared to work when the way you do things no longer works for you, i.e. no longer gets you the results you want or need. You are said to have reached an Impasse. This makes a lot of sense. Others may say you are blocked, stuck in a rut, or are getting nowhere (as in nowhere you want to go). What then can you do?

Gestalt therapy, puts the solution in front of you in a simple and logical way. Forget about what went before, the past. The way you did things in the past is no longer working for you.

So, I too suggest you and me, start with the present. The here and now. Not only do you have some control over what you do today, but you can actually work with the present and go forward from there.

So, when you are ready, think about taking some small new steps beyond the hairstyle or nail colour, or to various elements of your overall appearance and think about how larger changes can happen in your life.

Changes in important parts of our lives will require us to exert ourselves and make a stretch beyond our comfort zone. To do this, we will have to explore what we feel is missing from our lives that ideally we would like to make a part of them.

To make changes we have to decide what it is we need to change. For this we need to dream a bit and consider a Wish List of what we feel our perfect life would look like. Once we can see it, we can begin to make it happen.

I realized quite a while ago that the urge to change someone else is probably something inherent in our nature. However, too many of us, especially Women, in particular, sense or feel that everything about someone in their lives would be perfect, if only the other person did this one little thing differently.

It is easy for most of us to analyze and see what someone else does. Easier still, it sometimes seems for us to tell them what they could, or worse still, should change. Good luck on this lifetime project.

I personally don’t think anyone, including ourselves changes until we, or they, are ready to do so.

Instead, we may need to consider that a better chance of success will only happen when we are ready to make a change, to ourselves.

Maybe, if we are serious about wanting our lives to change, we are going to be the ones who need to change.

In fact, I am beginning to believe that the most successful changes will be the ones we make to ourselves.

I suggest therefore, that we take on changing the world later and instead make yourself the first person we work on changing. I say this, because I think that we will, at least, have a chance of success. Believe me, none of us will start until we feel we are ready. Because of this we are probably both  motivated and probably also determined to succeed.

In some ways, one of the best parts of trying to change yourself is, that if you don’t succeed at first, no one need ever know. The flip side is successful change will be obvious to us. We will have accomplished something which we can be proud of.

Success will also encourage us to continue making the changes and because we are making our lives more closely resemble our dreams we likely will be happier than ever before. A nice bonus.

Meanwhile, when we begin, as with any new situation we encounter that is unfamiliar, we may need to be brave and push down our nervousness that we might not succeed. This is where you and I might have to ‘fake it till you make it’ and the new approach becomes a regular part of our lives.

You may be surprised to find that the other people you felt needed to change will become less important to your well being. Others may not have changed one bit, but because you have, the needed changes have already taken place.

When you start to change by using yourself as a catalyst and subject, every successful step will bring you closer to who you want to be. I think you will be happier and more successful and confident because you tried.

SEARCHING FOR MEANING TODAY

I used to think that there were two types of people in the world – those that believed in something beyond themselves and those who didn’t believe in anything. I felt lucky that I had faith in the future, a belief in God and beyond this, confidence that we as a species are here for a reason.

As I grew older I started to feel “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything”. This quote attributed to a man named Gordon A. Eadie in 1945 and published in relation to the Second World War seemed true of many areas of life, not just why people are motivated by patriotism.

There was a time, not so long ago, when civilized educated people would be expected to share a common heritage and frame of reference. For example, various things such as what is commonly referred to as The Golden Rule was something almost all religions on earth paraphrased and incorporated into their own cosmology. Beyond this, civilized behaviour universally seemed to share a set of shared principles and values whatever culture one came from.

What constituted decent treatment toward our fellow human beings often translated from one culture to another without great discrepancies.

When I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I could still remind friends experiencing Divorce that regardless of how things seemed during the dissolution of their Marriage, there actually was a time when they and their partners had professed, and felt, love for each other. I felt, quite strongly that it was therefore untrue, in retrospect, to say that they had never loved each other, regardless of how little of this love remained.

The adjunct and extension of having loved someone was that each gave the other their trust, understanding and the benefit of a doubt that their thoughts and deeds arose from good will toward each other and caring and love.

Based on such an almost universal understanding and seeing many, many couples married to each other for life, I could ask my friends to remember they were (in our case) Christians. I would therefore ask them to do their best to behave decently toward their former partner. This meant working towards decent treatment of the other person, showing compassion, tolerance and remembering that their children deserved to have both parents participating in their lives.

Despite, the fact that the adult/parental partnership was being dissolved, we all wanted to come out of a bad situation with our Dignity intact and knowing that we had somehow remained true to who were purported to be as human beings.

I realize now that this might have been a tall order, but was not then considered impossible to achieve despite that in some cases, their Separation or Divorce being a situation which was often the first in their family in generations, if ever, excepting extraordinarily violent or abusive ones.

Today however, when every second marriage ends in Divorce, I have heard a dozen times that Widowhood and Divorce are the same. Those Divorcing say that both conditions require Mourning. To me, as a Widow however, no such parallel exists. The Widowed person would give anything to see the other partner again. The Divorced person, on the other hand, would usually give almost anything to never have to see their former partner again.

What changed? Was it we who changed? Was it our expectations of what a good life meant which altered?

I think possibly we did change. Whether it was because we as Women became convinced we could somehow Have It All. Was it perhaps that our giant Baby Boom and Generations Jones cohorts felt confident that we were going to be able to surpass all previous generations in our the quality of our lives?

Well, yes, if ‘having it all’ meant working all day and going home to all of the traditional obligations at home as well, then Women changed. One thing is certain, for good or ill, male or female, we certainly ended up with lives far different from those of our Parents and our Grandparents.

Most of us, for example, are either never Married, Married more than once or have decided to never be married again. Most of us therefore are likely to end up alone.

We differ from our parents and ancestors in that we have greater affluence and financial security. We therefore can support ourselves, indulge ourselves and experience a better life sooner than our parents ever could.

We can, if we want, leave our partnerships more easily than earlier generations could, because both financially and emotionally, we are more independent in both of these areas than were earlier generations.

Why then, do we keep on searching for satisfaction beyond ourselves in a new partner, or a new job/career, or a new financial or material goal or achievement? When did success start to be defined by what we have rather than what kind of people we are? To me these are the biggest dilemmas because most of them must be faced by each of us by ourselves and alone.

Our families are broken into nucleur units, often thousands of miles away. Many of them are estranged from us anyway because of earlier divorces, remarriages and stepbrothers and stepsisters.

To those who have never married and those of us who did, without having children, we can find some consolation as Aunts and Uncles but the connections with the younger generation are more tenuous than that of a Parent, regardless of how often we visit each other.

Man’s search for meaning might perhaps be something which each generation must discover for themselves. We may not be the exception to the need which philosophical thought has sought to resolve about the human condition throughout recorded history.

In our time, however, I wonder whether we will come to a satisfactory explanation for our existence or not. I hope each of us does ascribe some purpose and meaning to our lives. I think we as a species need such reassurance and it behooves us to find or make a place that gives us a base and home to call our own. Beyond this I hope we feel confident and successful in what we are accomplishing in the course of our Journey.

I end by wishing us all success in finding our raison d’etre. While will not be the first to strive to put meaning into our lives; we certainly need to do this more than most members of previous generations did because more of us are on our own than ever before. As previous generations did, we will also need to find a legacy to pass on to those following us.

I think much of what we have learned will communicate itself in interesting new ways in the coming years as we become older and look forward to seeing what our cohort finds important to pass on to later generations.