GETTING PAST THE PAST

I often try to write about moving forward. The reason is I realize how easy it would be to make your life into a shrine to the past.

We all know of people, including famous ones such as Queen Victoria, who never recovered from the death of her husband Albert. She went on to live another 40 years, in other words, almost another half of her life after Widowhood, since she was 42 when he died.

After a time of big loss in your life, you eventually are O.K., but you're not. You wonder why people are always telling you to get out more. You are out with them, every single Friday perhaps, or every single Sunday. What could they possibly mean, get out more?

Although you may not realize it, others recognize that you are living some kind of half life. 

Hint: The fact that you are always dressed in black (which does not suit you at all) or that your home has a table on it with 25 pictures of you and your deceased loved one(s) on it, might have tipped them off.

Meanwhile, most days you get up and take a bath or shower; sometimes you wash you hair. Occasionally you even smile wanly at the mirror and you do go out for a bit. So what's the problem? 

Why is everybody coming up with ideas to get you to go out more, and especially to meet new people? What's that about?

Getting out of bed is of course, a start point. Dressing in more than one or two dark outfits over and over again, is also good. 

At least you are not sleeping all day any longer and then walking around for days on end in whatever you slept in, with your hair one inch away from 'bedhead', most of the week. 

You may even have reached the point where you leave the house (usually when you must to go to the bank or to eat some fast food close to home).   

You are out, but are you really? Doesn't the nearest coffee shop to sit in and do the crossword puzzle count? 

However, you don't even notice that you still have an excuse ready to decline most social events; or that a drop of rain when you step outside seems enough of an excuse to return home.

Yes, leaving the house occasionally is part of what needs to happen. It is another step forward. 

Who cares that you are actually oblivious to what is going on around you? Not you, that's for sure. 

One day, however, the sun is shining. You open the curtains, let some air into the place, decide that not only does your place need a lift, but so do you. 

It may be that finally, even you are tired of being a sloppy, dirty mess. Meanwhile, all of the sleep you have indulged in has left you full of energy. To your surprise as you tackle the debris, you notice you are humming your favourite song. 

You take the old sheets off the bed, you clean up the place. Even your loved ones (in the photos) you feel, may be grateful that the dust level in your place is improving and a bit of sunlight is finally entering the room...AND YOUR LIFE.

Like much in life, the choice is yours on when you decide to re-enter the land of the living. Only you, can decide when your loved ones are by your side and that they always will be. Only you, can take your life off of pause mode and press play again.

The time, however, will come when you are ready to appreciate again that life is to be lived. You will also realize that the best memorial you can give your love is by taking your wonderful memories and passing on the lessons their love and example brought into your life. 

Life has been waiting for you to add your contribution. You are finally ready to pass on all you have learned and share the gift of love you were blessed with, with others who may not have been as fortunate. 

THE BUCKET LIST REVISITED

On April 13th, 2013 I revised and published an essay I had written two years earlier called THE BUCKET LIST - KEEPING HOPE ALIVE. 

In this essay I wrote about a time in early 2006 when I was still trying to recover from a cataclysmic and heartbreaking loss that had occurred in my life. I had been Widowed less than a year earlier.

As you can imagine, I was not exactly enjoying life much BUT I also knew that in memory of my beloved husband, my need to see where he grew up, went to school and had lived a life he always said was happy and idyllic until emigrating to Canada in his early 20's, was stronger than ever.

Big problem, taking an airplane. I had to fly, and farther than I ever had before. But it had been 20 years since I had last been on an airplane. Quite frankly, I was viscerally terrified. 

As I mentioned in an earlier essay, I employed the time honoured trick of asking - WHAT IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? 

Not only this, but a second and perhaps more important question: WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN TODAY'S LOSS AND PAIN AND SORROW? The answer was easy...NOTHING!

I made that wonderful trip, then I made another and went a bit farther...all around France, and then back to England for a short visit. 

When 5 years passed, I finally was able to make a very short, purposeful trip. I took his ashes HOME. 

I finally was able to feel a sense of peace that he was HOME at last. I felt that he could finally REST IN PEACE in the place where many of his happiest memories had occurred.

How do I see it all now? Recently when I went back and saw his resting place. I was again, of course, reminded of my personal loss. I was also happy to know and recognize the rightness of having brought him Home.

Meanwhile, I continue to occasionally fly to new places. Recently I saw 19 more European cities. 

I am grateful that my despair in bereavement was greater than my fear of flying, strange as that may seem. 

Taking that first terrifying step to board that first airplane because I felt I had nothing more to lose, proved to me how much I had yet to experience. 

My life, continues to evolve and be lived as it should.
Occasionally I whimsically, but happily, add to Bucket List #3. 

I hope and pray that I will always have something to dream of, look forward to, and anticipate today and every day that I am blessed with in the future. 


NOTE: see also THE BUCKET LIST - KEEPING HOPE ALIVE from April 13th, 2013.

GIVE CHANGE A CHANCE

In the blink of an eye, in a second, in a heartbeat, your life can change forever.

Some changes are very welcome. The holiday or an extra day off is cause for celebration. 

After all, as it is said, a change is as good as a rest.

Maybe so, in such cases, but change can also make us nervous, fearful and make us worry about the future. 

No one I've ever met said they really liked the idea, except in theory, of starting over with nothing. 

Usually what we mean is that if we could have known then what we know now, we might have done things differently. For sure, we would have left out doing the things that we now feel are mistakes. 

But, throw it all out, including the good things we like and even love about our lives; I don't think so. Most of us would surely like to pick out a few favourite things to take along. 

Maybe though, were we to approach today or decide that tomorrow we were going to start again, how could we do it?

To begin with I'd say that we would have to consciously decide that our NEW - 'New Year's Resolution' - starting today is going to be to add one new thing every day. 

It might only be that each day we add a new word or a new colour or a new food. It could also be almost anything you can dream up or have secretly in your dreams hoped might someday be possible.

This time though, make it a bit more than just talking about our dreams; this time add a bit of action to the intention. Stick your neck out a bit and put a foot forward to try to add even one new thing into our life today and every day.

It's up to you to decide if you are ready and how ready you are. 

I know you can do it and I know I can do it...so hold your heart and take one giant step forward...into the future and GIVE CHANGE A CHANCE. 

BIG CHANGES - BIG CHANCES

 

Someone once said that the only thing we can be sure of in life is change. 

Small changes are part of the life cycle as we move through it. They are usually incorporated into our lives without much stress, upset or inconvenience.

Life however, occasionally brings larger changes into our lives. 

It is said that the two most stressful changes involve the sense of loss created by bereavement and that which occurs when you change your residence. Other big changes occur when we experience the 'empty nest' or beginning retirement.

Times of big changes may be difficult and can actually be quite traumatic. This is especially true when large changes necessitate altering the daily routine which we used successfully for many years. 

As with so much in life, it takes time to develop and incorporate a new routine of daily activities into our lives.

Your attitude to change will, as in so many things in life, play an important role in how you view your new life and also how quickly you adapt and rebuild. 

Suddenly you may find you have greater freedom than ever to reorganize your life as you want to. For the first time in many years, if not at any other time of your life, you may actually have a chance to choose a new range of daily activities. 

However, sometimes a wealth of choice can be more worrying than no choice at all.

Newly found 'free' time leaves some people feeling happy, liberated and energized. Some quickly organize a new schedule which makes them feel busier than ever because they have many things on their 'to do/wish list'. 

The downside for a highly energetic person is the risk of immediately loading themselves down with too many activities.

Retirement can end up leaving these people with a frenetic and stressful schedule dangerously similar to the demanding one they had no choice about during their working lives.

Others however, might initially find that they are at pains to fill their day. They might actually find themselves feeling quite rootless and disoriented when long established habits and routines no longer provide a focus for their time and energy.

The danger for someone feeling unsure about the future and indecisive about what to do next, is the risk of feeling a bit isolated and abandoned by a busy world around them. In self-defense, some people may feign scorn, indifference or disinterest because they feel fearful or insecure about the future.  

The answer however, is not in withdrawing from life or in becoming too interested in other people's lives when trying to fill the gaps in your own. These behaviours risk unnecessarily alienating those around us.  

Instead it becomes incumbent upon each of us to relearn how to make decisions for ourselves from among the incredible number of possibilities which have suddenly become available to us.

It takes a while to accept and then incorporate a much greater freedom of choice and free time into our lives. 

It is however, a life changing revelation to realize and accept that we can finally freely reorganize our lives to suit ourselves. 

It can be exhilarating to open ourselves up to take advantage of, fully experience, participate in, and embrace, the new life opening up for us.  

CONNECTING TO LIFE'S PASSAGES

Most of us, given the choice, would probably prefer to have lives with enough variety in them to make them interesting, but not so full of unexpected events that our lives are full of confusion and unpredictability. 

Life at various points requires that we do a variety of things as members of a family, community and of society. Although, the expectations of our society prevent untrammelled freedom on our part, they provide most of us with a place in the society around us and some degree of personal satisfaction.

In the course of our lives each of us will play various roles. We might at some point be a student, employee, friend, partner or a parent. Many of these steps are a passage, out from one stage in our lives into another. Each requires some flexibility and adaptation to the requirements and obligations we have taken on. 

For example, we go to school and get an education usually while most of us are living with families that accept us and care for us. The student who does not study, likely will not pass their courses. They might also be unable to develop the knowledge or skills they require to do something they would like to do.

Later most of us must find a job so that we can support ourselves. The employee who can't or won't do their job, usually disappoints others who are depending upon them. They will eventually be asked to leave.

Most of us use some of our time to mingle with and meet other people. Eventually we develop a circle of friends with interests similar to our own. If you want friends, you must be prepared to be a friend and share your time and energy with other people.

Some of us find partners. If you want a partner, you will most likely have to show some flexibility towards each other so that both of you can meet your personal wants and needs and your goals together as a couple.

Many people raise a family of their own. To raise children, cooperation with a partner is necessary, as is an understanding that you have someone dependent upon you to take care of them.

Whatever the stage of our lives and the obligations it involves, having a realistic understanding of what is expected of us and knowing what we hope to achieve as a result of our efforts, helps us to be successful at whatever we do.

Satisfaction and success come from finding something that you like, using the innate abilities you have, the skills you have acquired through education and/or practical experience, and doing something that you like well.

This is the way that each stage of our lives can be both interesting and have enough variety to give us both some challenges and some satisfaction.

ROUTINE MATTERS!

Our routine, and all of us have one, helps to keep our days manageable and enables us to get certain basic chores done in a regular and timely way.

Without a routine, however haphazard it might be, we would be chronically late and always in a hurry to make up for the things we have forgotten which needed to be done each day.

A regular routine, which we perform almost automatically, enables us to deal with most of our regular and repetitive chores and obligations, and saves us tremendous amounts of time and energy.

Many busy people seem to be organized and efficient people. Some seem to be able to get so much done in a day that they leave the rest of us far behind as they quickly pass by us.

Most of the rest of us muddle along and somehow manage to get most of the things we need to done by the end of the day. The routine we have established can carry us through many years fairly well. 

Perhaps just a small thing in our lives, but one which helps us function, get things done and benefits us more than we ever consider.

DECOMPRESS YOUR STRESS

Each of us inevitably experience times when we seem to have too many things to do and not enough time to do them.

When we are overloaded by our obligations often our stress level rises as well. Sometimes we may even feel as if we are ready to explode from the tension.

As if we're not stressed enough those around us start urging us to sit down, to relax, to lighten up, to take it easy and especially to count to 10. They may sense that we are really wound up, but usually what they say only makes us more tense.

Understanding that everyone will have this sometime, can let us anticipate and plan for the next time we feel we have too much to do, in too little time. 

I think that we can easily take some steps to help ourselves better cope before the next unanticipated 
event, overloads our daily obligations.

I suggest therefore, that each of us take time occasionally, to consider what we need and want in our lives. This will allow us to remind ourselves of what is important in our lives as well as, focus on our personal goals at the same time. 

I think we should do this, not just when a crisis occurs, or on important days in our year, such as New Year's and our Birthday, but perhaps once each month or season. 

By reminding ourselves what we need and want in our lives, we will, I am convinced, cope better with the unexpected events that come up in the course of our day and quickly refocus on what is most important to us. 

KNOWING WHEN TO MOVE ON

Almost worse than a bad relationship itself is the length of time the recovery takes. This however, is the price of Compromise. This is the real cost of letting a situation that is not right for you to continue in your life. 

Whether we let something continue because we are afraid of being alone or whether we try to not hurt someone else's feelings, we merely postpone the inevitable end of a relationship.

Whether it is two days or two years, when you know something will not work out, letting it drag on doesn't help either of you to move on to someone either of you is better suited to. Better than being alone? NO, it's not! 

By the time there is nothing left but recriminations and resentment, there is no point in discussing what you feel, or think about why it didn't work out. For me, there was nothing left to say except "Try and be a better human being", as if he cared.  

Mostly however, there is only anger at yourself because no one else is to blame for letting the situation drag on long past it's stale date.  

Meanwhile, how can you expect to meet someone more suitable when your time and energy are still devoted to a person, who will never be able to give you what you either want, or need, to be happy?

What sort of person would accept you when you are not available for a relationship? 

Might anyone new actually want to hang around you while you breakup, rebound and resolve your issues?

A Compromise is far too expensive emotionally, and at the very least, delays any possibility of happiness with someone better, for either of you. 

Do yourself, and the other person a favour. Wish each other 'Better Luck Next Time' and move on as soon as you know.



NOTE: KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE - FRIENDS I THINK NOT (May 2013) and GOODBYE AGAIN - FOREVER I HOPE (August 2013).
Both of these essays were also about past relationships & discussing the tsunami effects of a toxic relationship. 

  

GIVING/GETTING THE LOVE YOU DESERVE

Because I lived so much of my life without a real partner, the miracle of finding one was something, I like to think, came into my life at a time when I was able to appreciate it. 

Whether we truly only appreciate something after it is gone is one of the monumental questions in life, however, smarter people than I have said, "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I think they are right.

My loss is a permanent one to my life, in that it involved Widowhood. Your loss may be for other reasons such as separation or divorce. 

For others, never having found satisfaction and happiness with other people, a sense of something missing has become something they have lived with all of their lives. It is possibly not a loss, but a lack that they have to live with. 

I remember thinking that I was destined to be a nice aunt to my nieces and nephews. I would always be the 'good guy' because I was someone they would see on holidays and at times when presents were coming to them.

Little did I know then that, shortly after, my life was about to change forever and give me what I lacked and needed so much in my live. Love.

To get love, you must give love. To give love, you must be open and receptive to it. 

You make yourself open by giving and sharing of yourself with others by giving them your time and attention.

I am convinced that only after you learn to give love, selflessly and freely to those around you, that you will receive it back. 

Love is the unexpected miracle which life offers us when we are ready for it. When we give freely, we unexpectedly are given the best gift of all in return, love.

THINGS DON'T MATTER, PEOPLE DO

What do any of us really need in life? Do I really need another leather handbag, another pair of shoes, another computer or camera or even another book?

There are times when I look at all of the THINGS around me and wonder if any of it makes sense. Why fill your life with things? I'd say it's when you don't have people who matter, that's when you need to fill the gaps with things.

I can't help but wonder whether we would be freer if we could pare down the things and start to actually use what we have, instead of buying more. 

Meanwhile, I know that most of us look at what we already have in passing, often still telling ourselves that some day we will use some of it.

Having just given away another blender, food processor and mixer system (that sat unused for more than a year) I realize that yet one more thing I never needed was not going to replace what I did...someone to eat the food that I was intending to create.

Someone, but not just anyone. Not just a body seated at the table, but someone who cared for me even though they knew and understood me.

All the 'stuff' I could possibly buy was not going to matter, if I wasn't able to share it with a friend.

Right now, I think, that the time and the meals shared with people we care about are more important than almost anything else we do. 

Things don't matter, people do. Things won't give you love, people will. Something to remember as we look at what's really important in life.

Take some time today, if you haven't already over THANKSGIVING, to appreciate the people you have in your life who care about you. If you haven't told them, do it now, not tomorrow or someday. 

Time flies, people leave our lives, but making a conscious decision to recognize and acknowledge our blessings; in person, possibly also in words and especially, through our actions; ensures that today will be a good day and, that tomorrow will be even better.

WHAT WE NEED

I am beginning to reflect more and more on what unites us as human beings. The more I think about it, the more I look at our basic needs as humans as part of the human condition and universal.

Food and shelter, nourishment and protection from the elements and capricious nature certainly, but beyond this, the need we as humans have to be among others of our species and why we so easily and usually cluster and congregate in cities.

Man as a social being, with needs for companionship, camaraderie, recognition, acceptance and love is something each of us seems to viscerally need to satisfy.

What I hope to think about is how we get to the point where we seek and find the most important need, and that is to love...ourselves.

I am convinced that we learn to love ourselves, and when we do, we also learn to be happy - with ourselves, with others around us, with the world at large and with life.

BANISHING SELF DOUBT

Sometimes I think the greatest gift we can receive is the gift of Self Esteem. Particularly today, when young people are increasing finding life hopeless, and younger and younger women, in particular, seem to be dissatisfied with how they look; self confidence seems to be something we are lacking.

When I was fairly young, I remember being highly dissatisfied with myself and self conscious. I even thought that people might be looking at me negatively. I made the mistake, I thought at the time, of telling someone I knew. What she said to me, shocked me completely. 

She said that she had never met anyone so CONCEITED in her life. Conceited was the very last thing I considered myself to be. I considered myself the very opposite in fact. However, what she said I never forgot.

"For you to think that everyone, everywhere is looking at you, is the most conceited thing I have ever heard".

In fact, I tend to think that hardly anyone is looking at us among the millions, actually billions of people in the world. Each of them has their own concerns, interests, obligations and life to live. 

Most people probably have enough on their minds, without spending valuable time, thinking about the stranger walking by them on the street.

You are one of several billion people. Each of us is living in their own world. That world revolves around them/us only in our own minds. Meanwhile, with or without us, the rest of the world continues.

Self consciousness therefore is a solitary pursuit and like so much self centered behaviour is not productive or beneficial to ourselves, or anyone else. 

Self consciousness makes us focus inward rather than outward, to where we might learn something new. Looking outward can prevent us from insulating ourselves and creating a repetitive cycle of self absorption which benefits no one...least of all ourselves.

There is a whole world out there. All we have to do to experience it more fully is to break out of our Cocoon of self absorption and look at all that the world has to offer us. Then it is up to us whether we want to participate in the spectacular variety of opportunities life has to offer, or go back to staring at ourselves in the mirror. 

GIVERS AND TAKERS - WHICH ARE YOU?

I have always admired people to whom giving seems to come naturally. They are the people who we like to be around and have around us. Everyone knows someone who wakes up and bakes cookies or helps you out whenever you need a hand. They seem to be people who have time for everyone.

A lot of these people are parents, others are the selfless volunteers who give their time and energy to others. Regardless of who it is in your life, such a person makes time for many people and generally is the glue that holds a family, a group, and sometimes also, a community together.

Conversely, there are the Takers. These are people who seem never to pass up an opportunity to take something. Whether it is your time, your work, or whatever is available or that they want, they are present with their hand out. Such people have never seen something 'free' that they would not like to have for themselves.

These are the type of people who seem to go through life looking for someone else to do the work, pay the bill, treat them to meals, loan them money or generally give them a free ride.

Everything around them seems to empower their sense of entitlement. These are the people we say, still have the first dime they were given. You come to think of them as people who will never be satisfied, never have enough. In general, they have nothing to spare for anyone else, whether it is time, support, encouragement or love. 

I understand the Givers, and admire them, especially since there seem to be fewer of them than there used to be. The Takers on the other hand, I cannot tell you much about...except I like to get as far away from them as I can...and encourage you to do so too.

Givers and Takers, which are you? More importantly, which do you want to be known as. Something to think about.

TREAT YOURSELF BETTER

In a society that increasingly wants to have it's cake and eat it now, we are told daily that you can 'have it all' because 'you deserve it'. 

Meanwhile back in the real world, most of us live in, jetting off to Paris for the weekend is neither practical (7 hour flights each way) nor logical (who pays for this) thing for most of us. 

Therefore, most weekends, most of us are planning to do our laundry and many other household chores as usual. Meanwhile, most days we have a, sometimes dreaded, routine to follow. Only occasionally, do we get to plan for fun or holidays or time off.

I think however, that because so much of our time and our life are taken over by work and our obligations to others, it is important for each of us to dream a little dream of something we, personally, would love to do. This Wish List is important because it enables us to have a Dream or goal in mind, especially when we are loaded down by our obligations and responsibilities.

Meanwhile, as important as it is for each of us to have a Wish List of big plans and dreams, I suggest also, that each of us also make some time and put aside a little mad money for small indulgences which can make our daily/regular lives a little more fun.

Anyone, indulging in a favourite, or especially a new treat, knows what I mean. It is not quantity either. One incredible delicious and/or decadent treat is as good as a dozen so-so ones.

Putting aside a little time and money for the times when something special presents itself, can work wonders in holding you over till the big dreams can be realized.

Meanwhile, you and everyone around you will be glad to see that person who had a little treat. The good feelings and goodwill we all feel then are passed on cheerfully to everyone we meet and meanwhile also carry us through the rest of our otherwise routine obligations.

THE NEXT STEP – MAKING YOUR DREAMS POSSIBLE

The other day, I suggested that, in order to break the Coasting/Cruise Control of routine that characterizes most of our lives, we should change some small element of our routine. Today I describe what you might do to turn your dreams into reality.  

I felt that a change, however small, might give us a chance to see that not only could we try something new, but that we could be successful if we did so. 

If you gave it a shot and tried something, you already know that no major disaster befell you, nor did something terrible happen. You simply tried a new thing to break the regularity, and possibly boredom, of the same routine every day. 

Now I would suggest taking this a step further, by doing something you have probably never done before. 

Instead of watching someone else do something that you always thought you would like to do, investigate what would be necessary for you to be able to do it yourself.

For example, something I've always found fascinating, are the Northern Lights. At one time I had read the author Bill Bryson's description of his own trip to see them. Very recently, I had a conversation with someone who had made the trip. Both of these sources, gave me information about what could be done to make this a reality. 

Therefore today when I saw an Air Icelandia advertisement offering the Northern Lights with a direct 5 hour flight to Iceland from Toronto Canada, I was delighted that such a trip might someday be possible for me. 

Meanwhile, if your dream has always been to go on Safari, you might start by letting your 'fingers do the walking' and Google items relating to Safaris. The October 2013 issue of National Geographic Traveller has an article about African Safaris.

A historical summary as well as a look into, Safari's which are available now, lets you explore the requirements physically and monetarily that would be involved. 

Once you have explored the practical aspects of your dream, you likely will have some idea whether it is actually something you might be able to, and/or still want to do.

You might find instead, that looking into the details has confirmed that physically or in other practical terms, an actual Safari is unlikely to suit you. You might find however, that perhaps an Armchair visit 
via DVD is enough for you.

If the Safari however, is your goal, you put the next step into place by planning how physically and financially you can make it possible. A commitment and a plan will bring you many steps closer to making your dream a reality.

Surprisingly, it often takes less effort, fewer resources and less time to investigate and then make a decision about whether this part of your dreams is going to happen in the foreseeable future.

I personally took a big chance the first time I decided to travel abroad (and wrote about it in my essay THE BUCKET LIST - KEEPING HOPE ALIVE).  Because of that first try, I have now, been able to see things I never imagined I would see and do, on three other trips.

In between, the big dreams and plans, I live the same kind of normal life most people do. The bills get worked on, the laundry must get done, meals must be made etc.

I am convinced however, that exploring what it would actually take in terms of time, money and practical considerations, will give you a chance to plan to turn your dreams into reality.  

Meanwhile, each small challenge you give yourself and succeed at, will encourage you and lead, I am convinced, to making your dreams come true.

TO HAVE A GREAT FUTURE - LIVE IN THE PRESENT

It may seem a little harsh to say, 'Run your life or let it run you' but by letting events in your day dictate your actions, this might just be what you are doing.

Earlier I spoke about the dream I believe all of us have hidden somewhere in our hearts or minds. This 'Wish List' which we usually only admit out loud when talking about 'if only I had a million dollars', or 'if I won the lottery', represents the things we might like to have or do. It also, probably represents what we do not yet have or do.

I do not feel upset about the things that I do not yet have or do. Although I think it is important, in fact essential, that we continue to have and actually nurture a dream, I also think the present is a pretty good place to be.

I may not, however, have always appreciated what I had as much as I might have. I try consciously to do that now. I am grateful for so many things. 

That young girl long ago, who promised herself to not let an opportunity go by to say something nice to someone and not regret later not having said it, is also the person who taught herself to learn to enjoy the present.

Enjoying the present has sometimes been a real challenge. Having some health issues many years ago, caused me to understand first hand, how life is never carefree again once you have experienced Cancer. 

One day I sat down and wrote my essay, B.C. - BEFORE CANCER and A.C. - AFTER CANCER. I felt that, instead of just talking about it to people I met, it might possibly help someone somewhere to see that there are many of us out there that are Cancer survivors. I felt that, each of us, in our own way, might possibly be of help to someone else currently experiencing Cancer.

The loss of my beloved husband was another life shaking challenge to live with. Recently I returned to the resting place of his ashes. I have now lived eight years without his strength, guidance and love. Of course, I poignantly felt my present day loss of something precious that had been in my daily life. 

To say, that such memories are bittersweet is of course, an understatement. It is also true. It is however, the past.

At such times, the place in my heart is touched and the feelings I have, flood back. They are my memories, and although good ones, they are part of the past which has contributed to what has made me who I am today. 

Today however, I move ahead. Some days, yes, it's one foot in front of the other to get where I need to go. Other days, are wonderful and I feel the fun of listening and watching young children react and experience the delight of the day they are having.

Living in the present sometimes needs a conscious determination and an example, so well provided by the wild energy and living in the present that children have. 

Once we nudge ourselves, we get back on track and live the wonderful lives we are blessed with. We have grown and learned and become beautiful fulfilled human beings because of our experiences.

We can appreciate the good things that have happened to us in the past, continue to learn by not repeating old mistakes, and head forward in confidence that the rest of our life lies ahead of us.

  

The rest of our life begins now. We can decide quite a lot about how we want to live it and whether we are going to let our life run us or we make decisions to run our lives.

To be successful, I think we need to move ahead. We can view the past with gratitude and appreciation, but move forward by fully living in the present and moving into the future fully confident that it will be beautiful.

DARE YOURSELF - FIRST STEPS OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Most of us remember a time when someone around us dared us to try something. Possibly, it was something we would now consider normal and easy, such as jumping into a swimming pool for the first time. Maybe it was something much more daring, reckless even. 

Some of us, no doubt, will remember things that we tried earlier in our lives, that we now say we 'shudder to think about', although they are things that we actually did earlier in our lives. 

I ask, however, what happened when we took the dare and did it?

First of all, we did it and survived. Possibly, we did it and enjoyed it. Maybe we did it and realized that once was enough and we would never try that again. We might have realized that we were lucky to have survived something so dangerous, and lived to talk about it.

Remembering a daring thing we either tried on our own initiative, or at the urging of someone else, we probably consider it as something from a time when we were both, much younger and, definitely more reckless.

In fact, today we probably wouldn't even consider something so risky or daring. We may even be considering what we tried then to be foolish and stupid. Almost certainly, we feel we are older and wiser now. 

I have no doubt, that a sense of our own mortality that was probably absent from our early years, accompanies us much of the time today. We probably also consider that we we have responsibilities to and for other people to consider now.

After thinking about all of the above, it might even make us wonder whether we should be even more cautious and careful than we already are. We might even resolve to take fewer risks than we now do.

I suggest instead, that before we go down the road to insulating ourselves further, from real or imagined dangers, and start thinking about all of the things that can go wrong in life; we instead begin to think about all of the things that could go right in life, if only we dared to try them.

Sometimes thinking about 'What's the worst that could happen?' should be put aside in favour of 'What's the best thing that could happen?' instead.

It is only by daring ourselves, that we will push ourselves out of our routine and begin to revive our lives and change them into something we consciously enjoy.

Turn the Cruise Control off now. Start small. Although this may be something as small as driving down a new street, trying a new food or coffee, or simply consciously changing something in our attire or routine; we will have taken the first small step toward moving forward. 

Soon, after these first small changes succeed, we can consider, what we might try next.

TAKING THE FIRST STEP FORWARD

Most of us are living our lives, just as we always have, in a fairly regular way and generally feeling that life is neither good nor bad. Generally it might be called Coasting. While Coasting, our daily lives are continuing pretty much as they always have. 

Most of us have a routine we have developed which makes it easier for us to get through our day. This routine helps us deal with the expected parts of our day almost automatically. In some cases, it is a sort of Cruise Control.

While on our Coasting/Cruise Control, nothing much out of the ordinary happens. We might even be resigned and thinking 'it is what it is'.

Occasionally however, a problem arises or an unexpected change of schedule is necessary. If an accident or emergency happens, our routine is disrupted and we are forced to drop our routine and respond to this immediately. If it is a relatively small thing, we take it in stride and once the problem is resolved, go on as usual.

When the disruption or change is either more serious or permanent, such as a medical problem or a death in the family, changes are needed to our routine to adapt to our new circumstances. In such cases, we change our routine from reactive to somewhat proactive and as quickly as possible, make room for this longer term change to be incorporated into our daily lives.

We can go on for quite a long time on what I am calling Coasting and comparing to Cruise Control, but I wonder whether we should. 

While there is some comfort and security in a routine, I find that change is not, and does not need to be, either scary or difficult. In fact, if we are to continue growing and developing, it is necessary.

If we admit it to ourselves, each of us has a dream hidden somewhere in our heart and mind. It is a bit like a Wish List. Some of us say, 'if only I had a million dollars' or 'if I won the lottery'. It does not take much thinking along this line to realize that there are things we would like to have or do that we do not yet have or do.

I suggest therefore, that we take even one small item off of our Wish List that we think is doable, and do it. This might seem like a small start, but the success of this, might put a little spark into your life. It could also be a way to ultimately transform our lives to ones that are happier. 

I believe that even the smallest venture out of our routine, can be the beginning of great things. In fact, I think the small step, we consciously decided to make could lead to our actually finding a way to turning our dreams into reality. 

I hope to speak next about taking the first small change and turning it into a jumping off point for making the larger changes that we have put off for a long time, but which we know would improve our lives and make them better.