MEN FRIENDS

I meet a lot of people, many/most of them Men. My education, my working life and even my social life, all meant I met many more Men than Women. This continues to be the case today.

As many of you know, I was very happily married until I became a Widow in 2005. From the time of my Marriage, therefore, Men were just more people I met and not people I would look at as other than Friends. I think because of this, I became much better at looking at Men as people of the opposite sex, and I am convinced saw them more objectively, than had we been dating.

What then, if anything did I learn by looking at the opposite sex, Men, as people? I think I would say I found most Men are friendly. Many of them will give you their honest advice, if you ask for it. If you don't ask for advice, and sometimes even when you do, most Men, unlike Women, won't volunteer their opinion.

If you have something that is not working properly, ask a man to fix it. He will often drop everything and fix whatever it is that is broken or tell you how you can fix it. Their solution will usually not involve spending a lot of money. Most Men will try and repair the one they have, before they buy a new one. In fact, if you are planning to throw out something, most Men will take it home and fix it. They will then probably offer to return it to you. If you decide you don't want it back, they will probably use it themselves. Often several years later, the will thank you again, for something that works so well.

Some of the men I know, that talk about such things at all, say that Men are Neanderthals and have not evolved much in a very long time. They will tell you they are visual beings and simple in their wants and needs.

You will notice that their friendships with each other are different than those of Women. For example, there are very few Men I have ever met who talk a lot. In fact, those that do are dismissed by being called 'Salesmen'. I guess there is room for everybody in life, but a man that is a 'Salesman' in his personal life probably is looked at suspiciously by other Men. He may also be accused of always 'selling something' or being pushy or having 'the gift of the gab'. None of this implies respect or admiration, in fact, likely the opposite.

A man who shops is a unique specimen as well. Few Men like to shop, other than for necessities such as food. The concept of a man going shopping is rare, even when far from home. He will drive you to the mall, but likely will find some way to meet up with you later. Save shopping for your Women friends or the rare male who might enjoy it, though few of these exist.

I like the fact that Men will usually answer a question with a considered answer. Most of them, won't just blurt out the first thing that comes into their head either. They will consider your question and assume you asked it because you actually want an answer.

If you are seeking a solution to a problem, you can do no better than asking a man for his advice. Provided that you explain the problem in a few words, you will get a reply, in a few words, which the man has carefully considered.

A word of warning, I think most Men find a lot of words confusing, possibly even upsetting. Unlike Women, who can follow several conversations at once, I don't believe this works with Men at all. They may try to decipher what you are actually asking for, but many will just withdraw and stay silent until you ask again for the answer to what you were asking for before. Perhaps by then, you will have translated the situation or problem into a manageable sentence or two, removed the emotional delivery and commentary and finally, asked for help on the basic problem, not on how to fix your whole life.

Men usually will not tell you every thought passing through their heads. They will usually sit together quietly making occasional observations about something happening around them, something in the news, something about an event they are attending together, or something that interested them. They will not describe or discuss it in detail, nor weigh out the pros and cons, via a long discussion.

On even important matters, they will usually tell another man about an event briefly, occasionally advising whether they favour an idea or not, and go back to being quiet again.

You can trust a man you are friends with. He will be punctual, reliable and honest. He will tell you the truth, because that uses the fewest words. If he likes and respects you as a person, he will always treat you kindly and gently, whatever maelstrom you may feel is effecting you. Not only that but most Men who are your friends are friends for life. I'd say many are worth their weight in gold...at least that is my experience with Men As Friends.

LET IT GO

In myself and others I have noticed that much of our emotions are expended on talking about something in the past that did not work out the way we had hoped. Whether it was a job or a relationship, the speaker's disappointment is almost palpable. Their face shows anger or upset, few smiles on this subject, that's for sure. The time past since the disappointment also is almost irrelevant. Just a few words and we are speaking of the event as though it happened yesterday.

Sadly, too many of us, have to make an effort to remind ourselves that we are talking about a past event. Most, if not all of the people involved, are usually no longer in our lives, and actually we have done many other things since the troubling event. In fact, sometimes we often become far more successful in work, and in our relationships, than we would have been had we continued what we wanted before, rather than what we actually ended up doing.

Why then do we still talk about the past event as if it just happened? Why do we feel the pain and frustration as if if were happening to us as we speak? I think it is because the critical event effected us deeply and profoundly and in fact, changed the course of our lives since that time.

What however, is this event from the past doing to our present life? Well, for one thing, we are, whether we realize it or not, reliving and experiencing some of the tension and emotions that the situation evoked in us before. Sadly, bringing it up again puts us back into the past, causes us to relive the situation, refreshes the memories of it and unfortunately gets us carrying it around, sometimes for days afterwards.

What can we do, we tell ourselves we were sad and hurt and angry...and guess what here we are again, months, sometimes years later, sad and hurt and angry. Meanwhile this past event, which has no place in our life today, might as well have happened today.

You are in a different place now, but unless you determine to reflect on the past and put it away, it will keep coming up, sometimes for years after the event.

Only by reflecting upon it, can we face up to the impact it had upon our lives. After we acknowledge this however, we need to look at our lives today, particularly about how much we have changed and grown since. We might also realize just how much more living and learning we have done.

Beyond this, appreciating what we have accomplished, what pitfalls we avoided after that painful event and all of the good we have in our lives now, will remind us that that event was in the past, and actually is without any current power or ability to effect us now, unless we choose to carry it around with us.

Let it go and you can finally let yourself be happy. You have the power to do this. When you acknowledge how far from the past you have moved, what you have learned, how you feel today and realize with relief and gratitude that this thing from your past, is just that, a thing from your past. Be grateful you have moved on and be happier for having put it away, realizing it is ancient history and you simply don't live there anymore.

HOW YOU COULD MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

In life, there are many enjoyable activities and things we can do when we make the time. Among the best of these are things in which we have a genuine interest.

Whether it is a long standing interest or something new you have decided to pursue, being genuinely interested increases the possibility that you will have a good time.

It also makes it possible for you to have a good time by yourself or others you meet who are also interested on the subject or event you are attending.

I have to admit that it is not easy to forget the past. However, despite that our experiences are what made us who we are today, there are some memories and experiences from the past which we are best to both forgive and forget. This is especially important if we want to move into the future unencumbered by a lot of baggage, including possibly a bad attitude which we are still carrying about some past event in our lives.

Without letting the past go, you tend to let memories of your (especially bad) experiences, influence how you behave toward new people you meet. It is only, I am convinced, when you teach yourself that, when you meet someone new, not to expect them, in either a good way or a bad way, to be like someone from your past. You must look at each person you meet, as an individual.

I have found that when you meet people in an open and friendly way, you are more likely to see them and what they say and do in a neutral or even positive way. You are relaxed and comfortable and usually ask and answer questions in a way that shows interest and curiosity about them and their ideas and opinions.

For some time after you meet a new person, you have an opportunity to see clearly what type of person you have met. Like yourself, generally they are not usually guarded or tense about talking with you either. Consequently, they tell you a lot about themselves, their likes and dislikes.

It is easy therefore, particularly in a group where you have mutual friends, to know something about what kind of person you have just met. You are able to decide if you actually like this person you have just met.

In fact, you might consider whether they are good friends to the people they are with and consider their friends, as well as, whether they might possibly be the kind of person you would like as a friend as well.

It doesn't hurt of course, if both of you are easy on the eyes of the other, but friendship and genuine interest, lets you figure out whether this person is, on any level the type of person you would want in your life, first as a friend, and even subliminally, as possibly something more in your life.

If the answer is yes, you like this person, what they have told you about themselves, how they treat their ‘friends’ and you would like to see more of them; you have begun to establish a relationship of friendship and possibly more with them.

As you begin to see each other more, together with friends, or alone with them, you will actually eventually know, if you let yourself trust your instincts, whether you could possibly see this person as more than a friend.

The hard part is that stage in between when you realize you have some warm feelings for this person, but don't know whether they are reciprocated. Someone has to speak first and the other respond positively for anything closer to develop between you.

Whether it is you or the other person, whoever put themselves forward is most vulnerable to rejection. Be aware of this.

If it is you, perhaps tell yourself, nothing ventured, nothing gained. However, if the other person suggests a closer relationship, whether you intend to accept the offer of greater closeness or not, be decent about it.

Consider that the other person took a big risk of hurt by declaring themselves before they were certain about how you would reciprocate. Therefore, do not leave them hanging but answer them as soon as you can about whether you are ready to continue the relationship or not.

This is the point I consider during which, a 'leap of faith' must occur, about whether you are willing to trust another person again. I know it is scary. I know your past experience, like near death, is flashing warning signs before your eyes, but sometimes you just have to ignore them, and take a chance on love.

When you are ready however, I believe you will know the answer. Actually, whether you are a Man or a Woman, I doubt anything will prevent you from taking a chance on the happiness that you hope may be possible for you.

Maybe you will have enjoyed the activity you had an interest in, met a new person or not. Perhaps you met a bunch of friends and their friend who was new to you. Maybe not.

In any case, by opening yourself up to meeting new people, you will possibly be doing more than just attending an event you were interested in, you are opening up the possibility of learning something new, meeting someone new and generally opening up your world to a wealth of new possibilities, including a new direction or future for yourself.

I may, of course, be wrong, but then again, I might be right...and stranger things have happened en route to your Destiny.

TEACH YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY

Most of us smile when we hear little children giggling and laughing. They seem to laugh with their whole bodies, from the tips of the toes to their foreheads and their arms are usually flying around like a conductor's baton at the sheer joy and music of their laughter. Adult laughter however, is much more restrained.

A few years ago, for a few months I helped out a friend in a place new to me, the modern trading office. The first change I noticed was that there was barely any sound in the room. No one spoke in a normal, and especially not in a loud voice. The television was tuned to BNN or some other business news channel but other than the sibilant earnestness that is the tone used to proclaim and declaim market changes, any natural laughter seemed to be inappropriate, as I soon found out, to my personal chagrin.

So even business is now conducted with silent respect and little extravagant emotions. What about what we consider appropriate behaviour on our own time? Sports allow noise, it proves you are enjoying yourself. Restaurants, not much sound there whether in conversation or real or pretended enjoyment. Transit, most people are playing computer games, reading text on their laptops or staring at posters. A lot of noise from metal on metal but anyone with a raised voice, is either looked at askance as a weirdo or we think that they must be school kids to be so oblivious to the rest of our quiet behaviour.

So where do we go to be happy? Our computers don't give us much contact with other people. There is obviously not much emotional, and of course, no physical contact at all. Blogging to strangers, making some new friends. Maybe if you are very lucky and those you communicate with are even sometimes telling the truth. There is no laughing together here though. Somehow an Emoticon does not chortle or even add sound to our lives.

Nevertheless, wherever you are and wherever you do go, you can ensure that you can be happy. Not only will you be happy, but you can make others who meet you happy too. All it starts with is a bit of reflection and some changes you can easily make to your behaviour.

I am convinced that you can turn every frown upside down if you try. I am also convinced that you will become a different person if you do. No longer will everything around you seem doomed to disappoint, your ennui will no longer be what is noteworthy about you. Your smile, however, might become your most memorable feature. The question is can you actually handle being happy? Only you can decide if you are willing to turn your life around.

When you are ready, take a small step forward, then go for it. To begin, take a small measure of reflection to see how far you have come. The mistakes you made are part of your life, yes, but so are a lot of important milestones that you have passed as you grew into the accomplished and confident person that you became. You are no longer constrained or answerable to many people. You may however, shackled yourself to a negative view of your life and neglect to remind yourself of how much you have accomplished, accumulated and lived through.

Life became a miracle to me when I realized that not only was I alive and well and generally living a pretty happy life, but it was still ongoing. It actually was going on around me, with or without my cooperation or participation. I then realized I could make a choice to be part of the life around me or sit on the sidelines indefinitely.

Loss of an important person in your life, leaves a large hole, make no mistake. Illness that is overcome, lets you sit on the sidelines longer than you may actually need to. Other setbacks can become a permanent part of your lifestyle if you choose to put them in front of you and keep your anger, frustration, disappointments and bitterness about some past event polished and brought out on each and every occasion, rather than set down in it's proper place in the past.

Sure you had some setbacks, losses, disappointments and sometimes probably actually had some heartaches and heartbreaks. You also had some very wonderful people and experiences along your journey so far.

When you think of your life in balance, and you let yourself appreciate and celebrate, you can see that most of us have already experienced more than we ever dreamed we might. Not only could we not have predicted where the turns in the road of our journey might take us, but the wonder of it all, was for all the times there were sorrows, there were also hundreds of other happy, even blissful times.

The miracle of life is something to be celebrated, anticipated with optimism and gratitude for all we have been given, all we have learned and earned.

Beyond this, we might yet, if we are lucky, teach ourselves not only to SMILE again and be happy, as addictive and contagious as this is; we might also learn to be childlike somewhere along the way. That's when we will know we have made real progress in the quality of our lives.

BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN...

Most of us have heard the expression, Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Some of us, doubted this, since we well remembered the sting of being disappointed in someone in the past, after having freely given them our hearts.

For some of us, that awful past experience makes us wonder whether we can protect ourselves from ever having to experience that kind of pain again. We wonder whether, we might be better off, protecting ourselves by never again leaving ourselves vulnerable to another person.

Last month someone in my Google circle wrote that they don't want to be hurt again and so they will never let themselves be in love again. Someone else wrote that if the person in their lives was planning to leave, then they should not come into their life in the first place.

What I would say to both of these people, NEWSFLASH, Love like Life, does not come with guarantees, about anything, let alone something as important as Love.

Meanwhile back in the real world, most of us are usually too busy, especially during the working day, to think about what love might mean in our lives. We suspect, and perhaps even secretly fear, that it might just make life complicated, actually too complicated. We tell ourselves and others also, that we have enough problems to deal with every day already and Love for another person might just be one too many.

So if we are alone, claiming that we are strong, self sufficient, and are doing just fine on our own 'Thank you very much', we go home and cook. or likely make some sort of makeshift 'dinner', for one.

While eating it, often in front of the television, we wonder why there are no decent Men or Women out there. You and all of the Men/Women you know seem to be both decent and are not finding a partner either.

You tell yourself, you aren't asking for perfection after all, just some decent human being. Why then is this thing called Love so elusive?

I remember someone saying that when you least expect it, Love happens. When you are not looking, Love happens, and most mysterious of all, when you are ready Love will come to you.

Until it happened to me, my answer to any of these -- least expect it, not looking and being ready -- was to say, Yeah sure thing, I won't hold my breath.

However, one thing I know happens when you think you might have a chance to love someone you have met is to prevent yourself from 'shooting yourself in the foot' and ensuring that you won't get closer to the new person.

I think, if I were to give one piece of advice to a potential couple is that you must not expect them, in either a good way or a bad way, to be like someone from your past. Not only was your past unsuccessful, but you don't live there any more.

You must therefore, look at each person you meet, and not just someone you might hope to have a relationship with, as an individual.

When you meet people in an open and friendly way, you are more likely to see the positive about them and what they say and do. You are relaxed and comfortable and usually ask and answer questions in a way that shows interest and curiosity about them and their ideas and opinions.

You sense whether this is a person you would like to get to know more about and whether there might be a place in your life for them. If the answer is yes and you begin to spend more time together, I believe you will actually know, if you let yourself trust your instincts, whether you could possibly see this person as more than a friend.

Sometimes you just have to take a 'leap of faith' and try to trust again that this time things might be different. I know it is scary. I know your past experience, like near death, is flashing warning signs before your eyes, but sometimes you just have to ignore them, and take a chance on love.

When you are ready however, I believe you will know the answer. In fact, that triumph of Optimism over Past Experience will happen relatively painlessly. Actually, whether you are a Man or a Woman, I doubt anything will prevent you from taking a chance on the happiness that might just be possible for you with this person.

I may, of course, be wrong, but then again, I might be right...and stranger things have happened en route to your Destiny.


Also published on Word Press in April 2014

6 MONTHS, 1 WEEK, 1 DAY

I suspect that many of us do not wake up and feel beautiful from the minute we leap out of bed, eager and ready to face the wonderful day ahead of us. Some of us in fact, throw off the covers when the snooze alarm tells us there is no more time for 15 more minutes of sleep and that we will be late if we don't get moving immediately. Not a propitious start.

Think in contrast, about how children greet the day. They catapult out of bed and sometimes race to yours to get you to join them in greeting the new day. They are full of boisterous excitement and energy. You meanwhile, sit up, rub your eyes and stand up trying to figure out why and how morning has already arrived. Some of us, without that first cup of Coffee, are likely to be somewhat cross-eyed and surly.

Meanwhile, with or without our co-operation or appreciation, another beautiful day awaits our consciousness of it. If you think about it, life being the strange and wonderful thing that this is, this could turn out to be the best day of your life.

One thing is certain. This is the first day of the rest of your life. The best part is already present the minute you wake up...you woke up.

NOW WAKE UP! I mean it, WAKE UP! Time for you, me and the rest of us to stop taking most days for granted. Time for us to really wake up and really look at the new day that awaits us.

Many days the sun greets us, but even when it doesn't lift our spirits by shining at and upon us, we can still begin our day by appreciating we are alive. However, I suspect, many of us, including myself don't do this with any consciousness.

How did we get away from the exuberant expectation that today is going to be a great day and that we are living a great life and are happy to be alive? When and why did life stop being a source of discovery and wonder? When did we stop celebrating the beauty of life and our existence and instead became this sluggish creature dragging itself out of bed...and moaning and groaning as we do it?

I'd say that the day we began to take life for granted, as one day inexorably followed another, that we lost our way. I say we lost our way, because we forgot what a gift each day is.

At this very moment in time, around us and throughout the world, possibly millions of people are experiencing their last day on earth. Many, if not most of these, are silently begging for one more day to remember and enjoy the many wonderful things they have known and lived and experienced. Suddenly each second is a precious gift because they know it will soon be gone. Each moment that is passing is ending the only experiences and the only Life they have consciously known and lived and like the rest of probably often taken for granted.

Many times, someone asks other people what they would do if they had 6 months to live. I'd ask this of myself deliberately if I stopped to think about it at all. But really think now, What if this were your last 6 months, or last week or last day of life?

For some people, being given notice of a specific or predicted period of life, such as 6 months, might let you plan some grand farewell full of the best things life has to offer.

One week, truncates our plans a bit; we could still fly off to one of the places you always dreamed of seeing and hope we've made the best decision to use the remaining time we had completely blissful and happy.

One day left however, positively places us within the life we are living and most likely, keeps us in the place we are living in now.

One day left: A prospect not as inspiring perhaps as jetting around the world with the Bucket List in hand and really going for all the dreams we haven't realized before, because now we know time is running out. But there it is, you are on your last day. What would you do with it, if you knew this beforehand?

Each of us will have a different answer for the 6 month scenario, the 1 week one, but the 1 day is a real puzzler.

Meanwhile, for better or worse, Life doesn't come with a warning that today is your last day. What I am putting out there, for myself and you is, if you or I, knew it was our last day, what would we be doing differently? I conclude by asking, Why aren't we living as would want to now? What's your excuse? What's Mine?

Also published on Word Press April 2014

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?

Not many smiles out there today. It's raining but not in a teeming, soaking way but even though it's Friday, I'm not seeing any smiling out there on the street.

Why I wonder are so many people looking morose and unhappy? I feel like asking them What's your problem?

People tell you a lot about themselves even without speaking. The way they dress, they way they carry themselves, where they sit when they choose a chair among several that are available, whether they make eye contact with others in the room and a myriad of other clues they transmit through their demeanor.

I find though that when people speak to each other, a whole interesting new world opens up to you as you meet this new person. I find people surprisingly forthcoming and generally pretty friendly. Sometimes you are both waiting for service or your turn in line or in an office. You might start a conversation just to pass the time, but often before long you learn a lot about the other person and they about you.

Today I was waiting for a medical appointment and spoke to a woman next to me who had wisely brought a book to read, whereas I had not. She had 6 tests recently and was patient and fairly calm and composed that she was having her symptoms investigated thoroughly. I later listened to two women both on their laptops discussing what seemed to be some questions from a philosophy course.

A little later, in the hour before I would be seen, I met a man and his wife who had recently left their jobs, moved from larger premises and had careers in technology and stock brokers. It turned out that the man and I had worked for one of the same firms years before. He wanted to write and had published a newsletter in the past, so might actually write again. At 24 he had a serious traffic accident where the car rolled over and over and it seems also off of an overpass. Now 40 years later, here we both were, still living.

There was of course, more interaction between the man, his wife and myself in the time we waited for our appointments but, as you can see above, several subjects were discussed in the course of our conversation together.

I have been thinking today, about what kind of life we would choose, were we to know how long we had left. When the man was 24, the accident seemed to have been a pretty horrific one, yet here he was 40 years later. His father meanwhile, lived till 84 and like so many people that enjoyed a longer life, smoke and drank and seemed to have lived a better life than many people I know.

Despite a stroke, he seemed to be doing well, his wife obviously loved and cared for him and both seemed to be happy together and about life in general. Like so many of us, life was changing and they were changing with it.

I am now determined that whatever problem I may think I have, obviously visible or not, I can decide that I, at least, will use my day better than I might have. Like you, I don't know how much more time I have to waste, not being as happy as I know I can be. I say this because I have decided that even if I am the only one I may see some days with a smile on my face, I will have been happier for one day more of my life than I would otherwise have been, had I not decided to consciously do something about making my life better...now.

Also published on Word Press April 2014