PLAN A REUNION WITH YOURSELF TODAY

How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World is an interesting new book. In it Jordan Christy states that leaving the next generation a legacy of pole dancers and Hooter's girls does not bode well for the future of Women.

Meanwhile, most Women already know that despite the strides that have been made in opportunities for a variety of careers which other generations would likely not have felt prepared to tackle, something is not right with where we are today as Women.

The working woman of today, may have more disposable income of her own, but however loving her husband, she is still the one working and doing most of the Parenting, and Chauffeuring and Cleaning and Laundry and Homework supervision and Elder Care for both her own parents and her in laws, and much more.

In effect, the only thing she gets all of out of 'having it all' is less respect, consideration and more work piled on in addition to the responsibilities she traditionally would have had as a Wife and Mother.

Meanwhile every form of media from magazines to videos to television tell her she must be 'hot' or she will be replaced by someone who is. The diet she has been on all her life is just the beginning of the physical demands, now it's injecting Botulism to paralyze her face and try to appear forever young, and stay that way. 

We are, in effect, more uncertain of our place in society and without even the confidence that our Mother's had that there was only one Mother in the family and her place was there for life. 

The Respect, Esteem and Deference are gone. What is left? A crucial question and one only you can answer. What it amounts to is reacquainting yourself with that lovely carefree girl who grew into an accomplished and beautiful woman.

Take a step back from the ones trying to pretend they can 'have it all' and meet yourself again. Reflect quietly and thoughtfully about the quality of your life and the goals you have. 

When you are ready, look in the mirror and tell your best friend that you are happy to see her again, that you are proud of how far you have come and that you have given it a lot of thought and you are really happy to see her again after all of this time. It's been so long you thought you might never see her again.
   

See also: April 2013 FIND YOURSELF AGAIN TODAY (Tempus Fugit - Time Flies by - What are you waiting for?)

OUR POSSESSIONS PLACE IN OUR LIVES

Our possessions have meaning to us. We keep things for a variety of reasons. Some are useful to us, others have sentimental significance in our lives. Still others have been stored away, because we did not need them immediately but felt we might need them later.

Literally and metaphorically, we all have 'stuff' we bring with us, wherever we go. Some of our baggage is emotional, many more things however, which we may use to define our identity are our material possessions. 

When we go through our possessions, especially in the course of changing our residence, we usually take out everything we own and finally see just how much 'stuff' we have accumulated thus far in our lives.

In the process we are likely to re experience some memories as we remember various occasions in our lives when we added these things to our lives. 

Some of these things we decide to still keep; some we always will, because they are part of our history and identity and represent the place we have established for ourselves in life. Others we have forgotten we even had. Still others no longer hold any value to us.

This sorting through our possessions, becomes a way of taking stock and deciding on which of our stuff still has a place in our lives.

Ultimately, at some point, the place we are leaving begins to look bare and empty except for a large mess of boxes full of our possessions. The place starts to feel strange. Many of the things that gave this place a comfortable feeling are no longer in the place we expect them to be.

I think, at this point, we begin to disassociate ourselves from the place we are leaving, and somehow have become ready to move to a new place.

We also reach a point where we know we can actually 'let go of' a lot of this stuff and become both willing and able to either throw it out or give it away. This is especially true when we see boxes that were never unpacked after the last move.

After the move, we are again overwhelmed because of the quantity of things we possess and which we must now try to find a place for. We face a new challenge; finding a place for our things, and ourselves, in our new environment. 

No matter how well we label our boxes while moving, there is still the problem of finding a 'home' for some of our 'stuff'.  Eventually however, we have unpacked and begin to feel more at home when the familiar things are around us and have made a new place for our possessions.  

Someone I know once said, 'every hour of a move is a year off of your life'. Thinking about this today, I am wondering if in fact, each hour of a move, helps us dispose and discard past baggage and actually help us to make some room in our lives for a lighter and brighter future.  

LOWER YOUR VOICE

Back in April, I wrote an essay called HOW TO LOOK AT 'HOW TO' BOOKS. At that time, I listed a few, among the thousands of books that are around, which I actually keep in my bookshelves. I also mentioned that my favourite of all time was/is: how to improve your marriage without talking about it.*

This morning, I unearthed another book I plan to read called: The Art of Talking so that people will Listen - Getting Through to Family, Friends & Business Associates**

I just opened it to the Index and saw some interesting subject headings. Regardless of what the book tells me when I read it, I can think of something each of us can do immediately: LOWER YOUR VOICE. If you are a Woman...really lower your voice.

Yes, I know you are not Lauren Bacall, who incidentally went on to have a fabulous Hollywood career after she lowered hers, but I am certain that listening to someone talking on their cell phone in a public place, will show you the merit of doing this.

If the noise pollution around you isn't enough to make you change your own behaviour, become aware of all of the yelling and raised voices on television. 

If you are a Woman, notice how easy it is to seem strident and harpy. With a voice already higher in pitch than that of most men, it does not take much for a Woman's voice to become a screech. Think about how attractive this is...not. 

I have already written earlier this year, about Whining and about the people we all encounter who think the world revolves around them. Either of these groups will not, I suspect, even notice when you have left the room. They are usually still talking about their favourite subject, that source of endless fascination to them, themselves.

There also seem to be a lot of people around who are holding a grudge and/or feeling others have wronged or cheated them. You will usually find them loudly complaining about someone at work, or at home. Almost anything will set them off on a tirade. A harangue or monologue is their habitual method of communication. They amount to a one person complaint service. Many of us suspect they will never be happy.

When a group of these discontented people, meet others of their ilk, you will probably find them protesting about something out on the street. 

I have not even mentioned 'road rage' or another dozen forms of anger and excuses for raised voices. More often than ever, we see evidence of impatience and frustration expressed in heated exchanges. There seems no shortage at all in the ways we, and those around us are finding to express our dismay and disgust and discontent with life.

Even contemplating all that can bother us today and which seems to be bothering those around us, raises my tension level and makes me feel a bit anxious.

I think however, we have at our disposal a way to take a small step to turn our own lives into a calm, quiet place. Join me and do yourself, and everyone else around us a big favour and Lower our Voice. 




* how to improve your marriage without talking about it by Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. 
**The Art of Talking so that People will Listen - Getting through to family,friends & business associates by Paul W. Swets.

OTHER RELATED ESSAYS: 
HOW TO LOOK AT 'HOW TO' BOOKS
WHINE WHINE WHINE - IS IT HUMAN NATURE? and THE SOLOIST - ME ME ME ME ME


 

PUTTING YOUR LIFE ON A DIET

I think that a change or residence presents us with a unique opportunity to put our lives on a diet. Change in our lives, most of us realize, requires that we move from something we have become used to towards something new. 

Generally, once we have consciously decided we are ready to move, we are committed to packing up the old and familiar. In effect, we are actually sorting through the past. 

All too soon we see just how many 'things' we have accumulated. As we begin to empty out all of our storage places, we realize that we have a lot more ‘stuff’ than we ever thought we did.

At some point we cannot help but feel overwhelmed by the job ahead of us. If nothing else, we begin to realize that we have voluntarily made this decision to totally disrupt our lives. What were we thinking?

However, instead of letting ourselves feel 'weighed down' by the amazing quantity of possessions we have accumulated, we might instead see moving out as a way of positively moving on.

Something inexplicable seems to happen to us when we make a major residential move. Somehow, we reach a point where we are between two homes and
we finally become unusually willing and able to dispose of many possessions which we know will no longer fit the next place we are going to. 

The major changes we are in the process of making, present a unique opportunity for us to go one step further and to lighten up our lives in general. In effect, we can make it a good time to put our life on a diet.
The amount we are ready to let go of is probably also a good indicator of how ready we are to move forward. Something to think about. 

CHANGING SEASONS

Many people I have been seeing recently feel everyone they know is feeling 'flu-ish'. For most of us, the change between Autumn and Winter requires some adjustment.

Not only does the onset of colder weather leave us in a dilemma about what to wear to adjust between overheated buildings and a cold, drizzly and sometimes windy outdoors, but generally requires a bit of time for us to adjust to days that turn dark before 6 p.m. Such is life in North America at this time of year. 

In short, a bit of adjustment and adaptation is in order during the change of the seasons. We need to 'switch gears' emotionally and physically to welcome and appreciate the new season and all that it has in store for us.

In the same way, when our lives are in transition and we are making changes in our lives, a period of adjustment is usually necessary. 

In some ways this can be compared to other times in our life where we have needed to adapt to changes in our lives. 

The really big changes in our lives such as changing our residences, recovering from illness, experiencing a period of mourning, require the passage of time to become assimilated into our life experience.  

The change of the seasons however, whether gradual or abrupt, requires quicker adaptations and reactions from us because they occur beyond our control and involve a much shorter period of time. 

Seasonal changes take us forward into the next part of the year and bring with it both the familiar and the new. We move forward in our lives and in our year.

By choosing to accept and appreciate what each season brings us, we can participate and enjoy the change as a positive yearly passage and really get the most out of what it brings us. 

GO FOR IT

I often think and write about making changes and finding ways to actively 'kick start' my life and give it a good push forward. 

While, I truly believe that a routine gets us through the everyday tasks we need to accomplish, most of us, I know feel from time to time that we would like to make something happen. 

Whether we feel stuck in a rut, or the change of seasons reminds us that time is passing, or for whatever reason, we feel it would be nice to feel a sense of progress, inspiration and enthusiasm again. 

Something tells me/us that being proactive, and taking an active role is more likely to move things ahead than waiting for something new to appear on the horizon someday.

As always, though, where do you start? If it was easy, we would already be out there working on our next Bucket List or confident that life doesn't get any better than this.

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't meet too many people who feel their lives could not be any better. So back to the Drawing Board, where do we start when we feel we are low on inspiration and new ideas?

I'd say start with yourself. That is, after all, who you want to work on and with. Knowing what you really want, is a fine place to start to getting it. 

Do you have a secret dream? Is there something you always wanted to do but couldn't either because other obligations or perhaps because there didn't ever seem to be enough money to do it? 

I suggest that, once you think about this a bit, you ask yourself how much you want this dream? Next ask yourself, who or what in your life actually prevents it's realization? You may be surprised to find that the person preventing success is yourself. 

For example, the obligations that prevented you from going after the dream may originally have been taking care of your younger family or elderly parents. You might consider whether the same circumstances still exist. 

On the other hand, if you thought you did not have enough money to fulfill your dream, you might scrutinize the way you use whatever money you have. 

You might also, after deciding that you really still want this dream to become a reality, realize that some extra funds might be found to bridge the gap between your dream and your pocketbook. In other cases, some extra effort may be required.  

Sometimes physical limitations, such as being out of shape, preclude your dream. Skydiving or active sports activities such as running a Marathon, would be impossible if you do not do something to make it physically possible. Such things have been overcome by others and might be something you also could achieve. 

Life you may already have learned, involves a certain amount of compromise. We must be realistic also about our personal strengths and weaknesses. You must also, accept that unless your dream becomes a priority, it is unlikely that you will ever fulfil it.

Everyone else is not more exceptional, we are not surrounded by Super Heroes, or even particularly gifted paragons who are easily capable of 'having it all' either. 

There are however, some things each of us believes we would like to have, or do. I personally am convinced that each of us is capable of a lot more than we think we are, if only we decide to direct ourselves toward a life closer to our dreams than the one we currently live. 

DOMINOS AND LIFE OVERLOADED

There are now world record competitions each year to show how you can topple up to 275,000 Domino's after you launch the first one. There are times when I feel life is similar.

The domino effect gives us a perfect example of how there are times when it is impossible in life not to sweat the small stuff. In fact, accumulated small stuff eventually knocks our entire routine over.

Normally the routine we have established in our lives, carries us through most days pretty easily.

However, a lot of 'small stuff' seems to creep up unexpectedly into our lives. Each additional task adds to those we already must do. 

Most of us, I think, have experienced periods of time, when there does not seem enough time to get everything we need to do done. Then again, there are times where we seem to be rushing around and still feel we are not able to complete anything properly.

Sometimes in fact, we feel as though we are about to be knocked over by the number of things we have to get done. 

At such times, it may be worth looking at a domino competition. Several good ones have been put on you tube. 

Meanwhile I suggest that in life, while the pile up seems ready to topple us over, in reality the extra little push ultimately moves us forward.  

When eventually we reach the end of the cycle, we can look back at the fact that, in the rush forward a lot of things actually were done. We can also see that we have also moved ahead to another place. 

Looking at the big rush and the push that propelled us forward, we can recognize that it actually isn't so bad, now that it is done. Besides we also moved forward.

Meanwhile, mercifully we can go back to our regular routine for the time being...until the next time.

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH - IN YOURSELF

You may have read, even if only recently in my essay THE BUCKET LIST REVISITED that I felt it was all too easy to create a Shrine to the past and actually believe that my life was over. 

Instead, I took a bit of a leap over my fears, especially a 20 year old fear of flying, and discovered that there was a lot more in life for me to see and do.

I have to admit that I probably still spend more time alone than I do with other people, just as I did before I met my husband. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know however, that it works out well for me most of the time. 

However, even when I was happily married for all those years, I understood that one of the reasons we got along so well was that neither of us expected the other person to fulfil all of their needs. Some of our interests were strictly our own. 

Early on for example, I realized that my husband actually 'hated' shopping of any sort, excepting perhaps for groceries.

It did not take me long to learn that when I took/dragged him along with me on a shopping excursion, I was about to have a pretty awful time. 

Similarly, sharing his long standing interest in traditional jazz, although enjoyable for me as a an audience member at a live performance in a club occasionally; did not extend to a deeply consuming or scholarly interest in the subject.

It has often been said that one door closes and another one opens. I think this is probably true.

If you think of all of the unexpected surprises that change brings into our lives, you soon realize that predicting the future is pretty hard to do.

So often what happens in life actually exceeds our expectations...if we let it.

In my case, had you told me that I would, one year after being Widowed, be walking around Buckingham Palace, the Yacht Britannia, Windsor Castle, Versailles or drinking Champagne in France, I would have thought you were insane. At best, I would have said, yep, in my dreams maybe.

I may be lucky in that, most of what I have in life did not come easily. I had to work for everything I ever got, including passing grades in Math and French in High School; BUT, when you persevere, you eventually speak French in France and do not make too many people roll on the ground laughing.

I was also lucky perhaps that I never expected to be perfect. In fact, some of my relatives seemed to amuse themselves belittling my immediate family. 

I learned that ignoring such minor aggravations in life as these, and thinking for yourself, are life lessons that you can take with you wherever you go.

Not only is self esteem portable, and almost weightless to take with you on life's journey; but it comes in handy when you want to make some plans for your life.

In the last few years, I've come to realize that no one else, i.e., younger relatives, wants to be given ‘free advice’, any more than I did at their age.

I also realize that the kind of education kids today may need in the future may be far different from that which my fellow Boomers and I needed.

Knowing how to move forward and learning what people and things contribute to your happiness, makes life brighter, and the possibility of a sunnier future, more likely. That's why I suggest that each of us try and HAVE A LITTLE FAITH - IN OURSELVES.

WOMEN AND FRIENDSHIP

Most females know and trust the counsel and advice of a close and trusted friend. There is a kind of feeling that help is on the way right from the moment when they pick up the phone. 

The knowledge that someone who understands us, approves of us, and unconditionally accepts us as we are, immediately reminds and reassures us that we don't have to deal with life's difficulties by ourselves. 

It's wonderful to remember that in your life is someone who will listen patiently, hear whatever you have to say, however long it takes. This is one of life's great gifts, that of friendship. 

Beyond this, inherent to friendship is that someone who knows you, will not only hear your out but often also give you the best advice you can get in your best interest.  

Knowing that you can soon be in touch with someone who knows and cares about you, can make all the difference in the world toward reducing your stress level.

Be glad that you have someone like this to call. Be grateful that somewhere along the way in your life, you made a friend. Appreciate again, the many times they have been there for you. Be happy also that you were there for them when they needed you.

If, like me, you have been in the middle of what seemed like a crisis recently, or when someone has recently called upon you because they are; realize how wonderful it is to know that you know someone who's always got your back. Say a small thank you and be encouraged and happy.

Better yet, don't wait for the next crisis in your life - or theirs - to pick up the phone and tell them how much you appreciate their being in your life. If you haven’t already, remember to thank them.    

OLD FRIENDS

A few minutes ago I wrote and published another essay (eventually called) WHEN LIFE LOADS YOU DOWN. Calling on a friend for help in such a situation made me reflect on old friends and WOMEN AND FRIENDSHIP. Generally, I am thinking and writing about friendships that have endured the test of time.* 

Recently the singers Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers recorded a new song "Old Friends". They wanted, if for no other reason, to acknowledge publicly their long friendship with each other. It will be especially nice, at an upcoming awards ceremony, when Kenny Rogers will be honoured for Lifetime Achievement in the Music Industry, for Dolly to sing this song to him in appreciation.

As the song says, Old Friends aren't made out of new friendships. Old Friends are people who have stood together through many years. They have also been companions to each other through a large part of each other's life journey.

Through 'thick and thin', meaning through good and bad times, they have been present for each other.

A FEW THINGS ABOUT AN OLD FRIEND: 

SOMEONE WHO LISTENS - no matter how long it takes you to say what is on your mind. The old friend listens, and hears, whatever it is you have to say, as well as, what you mean but have not put into words.

SOMEONE WHO IS THERE FOR YOU - whether in good times or bad, an old friend is someone who has been present in your life and has invested their time and energy in you.

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS AND UNDERSTANDS YOU - and miraculously accepts you as you are anyway.

SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS YOU - confident that you deserve and have earned their trust. 

SOMEONE WITH A LONG MEMORY - and a who forgives you when you need it, and conveniently forgets your failings in front of others. 

SOMEONE WHO HAS YOUR BACK - not only does your old friend accept you, but also, loyally defends you unconditionally.

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU REALLY WELL - and therefore gives you their attention, and often their advice, based on what is the best course of action for you to take.

SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU ANYWAY - accepts you as you are...and loves you despite/because of who they know you to be. 

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE FEELING IS MUTUAL - each of you knows they can count on the other person unconditionally and always.

MAY WE ALWAYS DESERVE OUR FRIENDS. BLESS THEM ALL.



*Just after publishing the original essay, I took my own advice and sent a copy to a dear friend of mine. Again, taking my own advice, I tried in some small way to tell her that I appreciate our 41 years of friendship.

WHEN LIFE LOADS YOU DOWN

I am convinced that there are times in all of our lives when the 'small stuff' we are told not to sweat, just piles on and makes us feel overwhelmed. I speak from experience this week. It seems it has been one thing after another and another and another. 

Like most people however, I have been around long enough to believe that either tomorrow, or in a day or two, I will likely be able to move on and get back in synch with my now normally happy view of life.  

I think that most of the time, most of us can handle the ups and downs of our day because we have a tested routine we follow. This routine makes most days fairly manageable. In fact, it even allows room for some unexpected things which crop up from time to time.

Once in a while however, even the calmest person feels it piling on, and can then feel overwhelmed. Under such circumstances it seems that everything we try to do just adds to the frustration. Eventually we might reach the point where we wish we had stayed in bed.

I suggest that, whatever frustration or however stressed we feel, we take something similar to the kind of 'time out' that has been suggested we use to settle children down. 

The adult version, similar to what is suggested for children, would also involve physically moving away from the location of the problem, and taking a short break.

I think it will work best, for adults on 'overload' to, if possible, actually step out of the room or building. Ideally I suggest that we try and get a few breaths of fresh air outdoors, even if only for a minute or two. 

If you can't physically leave the room, then even closing your eyes for a minute, likely will help to restore a sense of proportion and balance to the situation which only moments before seemed overwhelming. 

It might also be time to call a friend and ask them to bring a new viewpoint and a different perspective to a situation you feel unable to calmly get a grip on by yourself.

If, like me, you have been in the middle of what seemed like a crisis recently, or when someone has recently called upon you because they are; realize how wonderful it is to know that you know someone who's always got your back. Say a small thank you and be encouraged and happy. 

Meanwhile, have faith that, 'no doubt life is unfolding as it should'* and soon today's crisis will either be resolved or life will have presented you with something new to work on.


* Excerpt from the poem Desiderata