YOU HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE - TODAY IS A NEW DAY

Every day is a new chance to have a great life. You would miss so much that you are supposed to learn in life if you do not let it play out. For example, I finally, met the love of my life when I was 35 years old. I had many good things and bad occur in my life before that, but not someone 100% for me. 

Other people around me, including friends and most of my younger siblings had earlier marriages, and some were very happy, but not me. I was happy, but not totally, because without someone of my own, I always felt something was missing. 

One day, the unbelievable happened. I still think of it as a miracle. On a day, like any other, I was to meet someone after work that an acquaintance at work suggested I meet. She said he likes to read books too. That was about it by way of introduction. 

I went to meet him, with what else, a large book, so that I could get some reading done, in case the situation was a dead end and left me sitting by myself and heading home by Streetcar a little while later. At least, I wouldn't miss out on my reading, I thought. 

We met, he seemed a nice man, we talked and ended up having dinner together. The second time we met, we were with friends (the woman who suggested we meet and her boyfriend) and they had been drinking all day. We did not meet again for a month or more after that evening as I figured I was wasting my time with people I had nothing in common with.

Finally, about a month later, Peter and I met for dinner again. By the next date, he said he loved me and I knew I loved him. 

We had almost 20 years of 24 hour days together, with only 51 days apart, little conflict, a lot of Good Will toward each other, and most importantly, a lot of Love. 

My husband died of a chronic disease, after so many years of happiness. As he put it, 'We didn't have a long time, but we had a good time'. I miss his strength, support and encouragement every day. On the 24th of August, it will be 8 years since I became a Widow. 

The important thing is not that it ended. The important thing was, to go and meet and give this person a chance to not be a continuation of an unsuccessful past, but instead to be the start of a very happy future. We took a chance and had a happy Marriage. 

After my husband died, I wanted very much to see where he grew up, went to school and lived during his childhood and until he emigrated in his early 20's to Canada from England.

To do this, I had again to take, what for me was, a big chance. I had to fly in an airplane for the first time in 20 years. I knew there was only one way to get there. With great fear I knew I had either to go or give up. I took the flight. 

My life was transformed, and incredibly, I had happiness again. I wrote about this part of my experience of trying to return to living my own life as a Widow in my essay THE BUCKET LIST - KEEPING HOPE ALIVE. 

What would I have missed, if I had stayed the same person I was when I was growing up as a generally unhappy teenager all my life? What would my life have been like, reliving those not wonderful years of, for example, that period of adolescence over and over again, until today? 

What if, I decided that, like a star athlete in High School or College, that nothing was ever going to be as good in my life again as those fantastic years I had experienced in University. 

As I mentioned above, imagine a 35 year old still reliving past glories of her early 20's, never having moved on to other experiences, even though a lot of time had passed. 

If any of us lock ourselves into a specific period of time and refuse to go forward into the new day, week, month or year; we are in danger of stagnating and going no further. In the same way you can tell how old some women and men are, by their old hairstyle and dress, there is also an old mindset in that place along with the old ideas...and reminiscing about the past. 

I see every day as full of possibilities, and a miracle possible around every corner. You need to be there to see it though. Make yourself present and open to the possibilities of each day you live. To do that, you have to make a move out of the idealized past, take a few steps out of your comfort zone perhaps, and peek around the corner. 

Who knows, maybe you too will find a whole new set of experiences awaiting you, all because you poked your nose out of the door...as a new day dawned.

.

If you have time, read some of my other essays. Feel free to comment and as I ask in one of them –

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF SOMETIME TOO and also WHO ARE YOU – I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.  They are at: gettingitright-meb.blogspot.ca/        

ONE STEP AT A TIME WILL GET YOU WHERE YOU ARE GOING

One step at a time.

Make a decision to be happy every day. Find something you like in every day, however small.

Think of good people you have met, know now, and see around you.

Greet someone you meet cheerfully. Perhaps when you buy a coffee, say hello and something cheerful (as an example).

Smile. Smile at the mirror, it raises good energy. Take the smile outside and see others respond. SMILE - ITS ADDICTIVE AND CONTAGIOUS is what I wrote about. This works, and you see it work right away.

It is small things that start you going forward again, not running away (to create the same situation somewhere else) or brooding alone and miserable.

Look for whatever works to lift you up and add a little bit of something new every day. Soon you will see you feel better.

Forgive yourself for a bad decision. One decision will not be your whole life. Much more will happen to you. It will not all be bad. Build on what has happened since.

Think about how you saw something before and how you see it now, with the benefit of time passing. 

Decide you will give new things a new perspective and a chance to be seen as an opportunity. Only you and I can change how we see things.

Small steps will start you off. Small steps, one by one, will also take you where you are going.

I know for sure, where you are going isn’t backward, into the past. You don’t live there any more. That is over. You are a different person now. Time to move forward.

Hope some of this helps get you started. 

BECOMING FREER - P.C. DEATH THROES

The Politically Correct*, who I like to call the Thought Police, are still with us for the time being. However, the very means they used to indoctrinate so many people for more than a generation, the Media, is the same one that is already working to finally free us from their printed and electronic tyranny.

Whether we are children at school, people at work, or even during our leisure time, an incessant barrage of words, has followed us throughout our day 24/7 for more than a generation now. 

Every mainstream media source around us, insinuated itself into our lives with some earnest message, seeking to tell us what we should change about ourselves. We were usually scolded and were to be shamed or forced, into changing ourselves into supposedly less judgemental and more tolerant people. It seemed our ideas and speech were wrong. They were also, among other things, intolerant, racist, sexist and ageist. 

Unfortunately, no one, especially in the public eye, has dared for a very long time to ignore them completely. Anyone who tried to stand up to them also, risked censure, their reputation or even loss of their livelihood. 

For at least a generation now, the majority of us had little recourse except to ignore or avoid their largely irrelevant and absurd pronouncements. This, however, was of limited effectiveness when only a few alternatives for news and entertainment were available. 

However, today, greater choices of communication and self expression have become available. These have made it possible to circumvent traditional media and their limited lifestyle choices. There are newer ways to stay informed and get our news and share ideas.

The nature of the Internet and social media such as you tube and various other means of instant communication, has transformed communication and made a world of information available to us anywhere in the world. Personal communication has already changed beyond the limited choices we were willing to tolerate and accept even a few years ago. 

While this cornucopia of choice sometimes puts even the most spurious rubbish out into the mainstream around the world faster than ever; it also prevents a few networks from controlling what we see and hear about the world around us.  

We are gradually, I am happy to say, getting back more freedom of choice and ways of expressing our own ideas. More options, gives us reduced exposure to the would-be surrogate parents and media models, determined to enlighten us. As a result, their ability to influence us has dwindled considerably. 

Today, although Academia continues to speak and publish its arcane and unique language, it seems to mainly do this for itself. Meanwhile, many print newspapers and the television news are rapidly declining in importance to most people's lives. Most of these, have instead jumped onto the celebrity news bandwagon to try and hold some viewers/readers interest for a little longer. 

The older forms of media, with their promotion of many ridiculous social engineering experiments, are becoming remnants of a time when limited choice and few alternative outlets gave unwarranted and totally ridiculous credibility to the foolish and ridiculous power to a small minority of know-it-alls.

We now have enough options that we can usually avoid the 'mainstream' media and finally express and hear other points of view other than those the 'old media' offered. 

Like the child commenting on 'the emperor's new clothes' it only took a few new options to begin the 'old medias' well deserved descent toward oblivion and reveal its insignificance and irrelevance to the real lives, the rest of the world was living despite them.

*Political correctness (or PC for short) means using words or behaviour which will not offend any group of people. Most people think it is important for everyone to be treated equally, fairly and with dignity. Some words have been used for a long time that are unkind to some people. Sometimes these words have now been replaced by other words that are not offensive. Such words are described as politically correct. The term is often used in a mocking sense when attempts at avoiding offense are seen to go too far. Politically correct words or terms are used to show differences between people or groups in a non-offensive way. This difference may be because of race, gender, beliefs, religion, sexual orientation, or because they have a mental or physical disability, or any difference from what is considered the norm.

http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_correctness

ACTING THE PART - ACTORS AS ACTIVISTS

I think a bunch of people in the late 1970's and early 1980's seemed to have decided that people like them, who had read a book or two, were entitled to consider themselves and their friends 'intellectuals'. They somehow must have convinced themselves that they knew a lot more than the general public did. 

They certainly spoke at and to us, in our classrooms and schools and also through the media, as though the rest of us would benefit from their opinions on what parts of our lives would be better after we followed their advice. 

Strangely enough, this fad hit Hollywood too, and around this time, movies such as The China Syndrome (1979) and The Big Chill (1983) and Silkwood (1983) began to be produced. By the time Erin Brockovich (2000) was an Oscar Winner, it was well entrenched and in fact, ubiquitous. 

Perhaps 'Acting School' and some College education made the Actor as Activist who emerged between 1979 and 2000, less peculiar than they would otherwise have been. Unfortunately, reading words somebody else had written for a movie stopped being enough for the movie star. 

The Movie Star as Activist, begun during the Vietnam War, became the thing to be. It was also important to be seen as saying and doing the Politically Correct thing, among their fellow Hollywood actors. Another way to see and be seen presented itself and suddenly we began to see more of them as champions of a variety of 'causes'.  

As a result, a bigger soapbox than ever suddenly became available for whatever 'cause', the group decided to champion whether, pesticide sprays on fruit or more often as time went by, their favourite political party and candidate. 

The actor to be effective had to be someone with a recognizable face, whether successful or not. Somewhere along the way, they decided that a prop was needed to make them appear more serious. They seemed to feel that, donning eyeglasses and a serious facial expression, made them plausible as intellectuals. 

The next step required the actor to begin expressing his 'heartfelt' convictions about something, in whatever medium would let them air their views. While I am certain, various thoughtful and idealistic among them were expressing their concerns and convictions about the world around them, I suspect that all were not motivated by compassion, concern or altruism.

As a strategy for more exposure and influence within Hollywood or even to get more work, it was very successful.  The support of a  popular 'cause' also served to get them 'face time', usually on television. For a few of them, it also meant paid work on documentaries, reading the scripts in front of various 'natural' (outdoors) settings. 

Aspiring stars today, know that to be successful celebrities, they are required to show interests in the world beyond their industry. Earnest explanations for their nudity or bisexuality in a role are no longer enough to demonstrate their commitment to their ‘art’. Now they know they must express empathy and support to those less fortunate than themselves, such as wildlife, selected chronic diseases, or to be seen as caring to the ‘less fortunate’ in distant countries.

Meanwhile, to accompany and serve this caring persona which is now presented by successful celebrities, a whole entertainment and gossip industry has developed to discuss their every word, action, attire, rumour or lifestyle change; normally excluding their addictions and lawless behaviour; unless it proves fatal. 

The earlier group of activist actors, generally was more interested in voicing their personal opinions about various global concerns, than in what to wear. 

Today’s actors, in contrast, need to attract attention by how they look. The public adores and admires them when they are being seen and on display. Appearance disguises whatever weaknesses or reality there is beneath the façade. 

This new group therefore needs to devote considerable time and effort to it in order to be considered successful and look the part. What they say is not as important, with the exception of the names of the clothing and jewellery designer responsible for their ensemble. 

As long as they quickly present the correct causes to their peers in public, once their credentials have been recorded by the media, little more need be done about this, beyond occasional attendance at the appropriate fundraisers. Any false steps are quickly corrected by their publicists who are there to ensure long, lucrative careers.

The earlier group actually wanted their opinions to be out there and be seen as relevant and important, and was not only far less interested in what they were wearing, but possibly even indifferent to such things. 

This culminated with a famous movie actor and also a Director offering to leave the United States, if their choice of president was not elected. Sadly, neither of them, made good on the promise.

Eventually the actor decided to act again and finally resumed and revived his career. Most recently he has taken his comedy very seriously indeed...most profitably. Possibly it was because he started to do what he was good at, 'playing' other people in television and movies, instead of, wild ranting political diatribes. 

This actor's manly visage coupled with his ability to read lines that other people wrote probably helped him too. He revived his career and has gone on to considerable acclaim since he began reading his lines again and gave up the far more difficult job, of thinking...so beyond his abilities.

I think Hollywood learned a valuable lesson, see and be seen, but use whatever talents and gifts you have wisely. Stick to what you are actually good at. The land of the Dream Weavers finally has returned to, what passes for normal in Tinseltown.  

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT - BE WHO YOU ARE

Earlier this week I had two posts that made me think; and reply immediately. The first was a quote: Ask for nothing, and you will get everything. The second was: Show only your good side to someone, if you want your relationship to last.

Both of these seemed wrong to me on so many levels that I had to reply to each of the writers right away.

Let's look at Ask for nothing, and you will get everything. I didn't agree at all. Ask for nothing, and nothing is likely what you will get. 

Who are you hoping will give you everything when you ask for nothing - a fortune teller, a psychic?. It has to be a 'mind reader' of some sort, because you are asking for nothing but they are going to give you everything. 

I wonder what everything you will get. Maybe anything someone doesn't need. Maybe they like to play charades with life, and they will keep giving you things until you show some interest or disinterest and they can mind read something better. 

More likely the result of this philosophy is that you may be given things regardless of whether you asked for anything or not, after all some things do come even to those who sit and wait. You therefore, may end up with a lot of 'stuff'; but whether any of it is what you want, need or can use, is doubtful. 

The problem is not that you have been wise and not asked for anything, because you believe that all will be provided to the pure of heart, I understand the concept but ask you then why we were also given a brain and the power of speech. 

On the other hand, if you did not ask for anything because you don't know what you want, you risk getting a lot of things you don't need, want or can use. Save yourself and everyone else, the energy, time and money and let them know who you are, what you want and I suspect you will all be happier.

The second person felt you should only show your 'good' side to someone, if you wanted to keep a relationship going. Your good side may be quite nice, but then again, your good side is not all of you. What happens if one day you slip up and the 'bad side' slips out? Is it possible that one of us is so bad that the end would be immediate?

I told this girl that I thought being who you are is ultimately better. There is, I believe someone for everyone. There are people who will find the unique combination of things that make you who you are, absolutely perfect. These are the people you want and need as friends, lovers, partners and everything else you want or need in life. 

People who like and accept you as you are will be the best people to have around you. They are the people who saw you as you are, liked what they saw and stayed around. They are the keepers...and so are you because you have put the real you out there and found someone who thinks that is just great.


See also: FRIENDSHIP - I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE 
and today's essay ACCEPTANCE - I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. 

WILL TODAY BE A GOOD DAY OR A BAD DAY? IT'S YOUR CHOICE.

I began the Blog site after a hiatus of almost 8 months from the end of July 2012, because ideas were still coming to me about people having more trouble than ever in getting along. Everywhere I looked, especially in the news, things seemed worse than ever. I hardly thought we could do any worse with conflict and protests and bombings and generally bad news everywhere. I knew however, that we could do better.

My site and, what have become many essays, are set up to give all of us encouragement and to reflect a little about what we have in common as human beings. I think there has been far too much emphasis on what is wrong. The time seems to call for thinking about what is right instead.

I would rather spend whatever time I have, whether long or short, thinking about what we have in common as human beings, rather than, what separates us and prevents us from understanding each other. 

For some reason, I have survived Cancer and Widowhood and a lot else, and I am still here. What kind of life do I want to have for the rest of my days here on earth is a question, each of us must ask ourselves individually. 

I believe that, every morning, each of us, has a choice. Do we start to love life or do we postpone it for some other day?.

Each day can be seen as a new opportunity or a disaster. Each day we decide again what kind of life we want when we choose how we are going to look at the day ahead of us.

If we choose to have a good day...and this is a choice we can make; we can begin anew. 

If we choose to continue whatever was going on which made us miserable or unhappy yesterday; then we will have another rotten day to look back on tomorrow.

Someone sent a post saying - keep smiling, eventually life might quit giving you bad news. Ultimately, though it is more than this. Our perspective has so much to do with how we will act and react to what we encounter each day.

I am no different than anybody else, and so, just like anybody else, I can decide I hate everything and everybody in my life. I can start with the morning news and those people that predict that the world will end...while smiling their fake smiles at us. Then I can go to the commercial of the little brat scowling at her mother, until bribed by the cereal, the little darling, deigns to eat. If it's raining, I can get splashed or wet or miss the bus. I will have set the stage for a whole day of feeling rotten...guaranteed. 

The question is, what do I get out of finding fault with everything and everyone I see, hear from, or encounter in the course of my day? Do I want any sane, relatively happy person to leave my life? Is my goal to make sure that I am left alone, so that I can justify my unhappiness? 

The above is one option. Except for a very few people that thrive in total solitude, and I doubt there are many who do, I doubt it is the best option.

There is also another choice we can make each morning; to look on each new day as a NEW DAY, a new chance to turn things around and begin again.

No one's life of course, literally begins again on the following morning, because in reality we already have a life that is ongoing. However, even a small step to turn our perception from an automatic negative to, even a small begrudged positive, could start us on a new path.

Somewhere farther along we might even begin to actually appreciate, and in fact, express our gratitude that we have been given another chance to enjoy another day on this beautiful earth. It can all begin with a small step and lead us to enjoy, and ultimately, celebrate another day of living. 

One of the beautiful posts I received recently gave a quote from Ray Bradbury, the science fiction writer who died on June 6th, 2012: "Looking back, over a lifetime, you see that love was the answer to everything". 

Something to think about tomorrow morning when you are about to decide whether you are going to have a good or bad day to look back on for the rest of your life.

ACCEPTANCE - I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

We meet someone and the first thing we say to ourselves is, I wish they did this differently or were different in this way. I would like them more if they didn't say this, wear this style, had a different hairstyle or generally were just a little different from what they are. 

It may be a small thing, but we hesitate to accept them, because what we think we want in the 'perfect person' is not there. Then again, we may think well, a lot of what I like in a person, this person has, maybe I can get them to change those few things I don't like and then they will be 'perfect'. 

There are more than a few things wrong with this type of thinking...which I think we all do, consciously or unconsciously. Wanting to change someone else presumes that we ourselves are ideal. We are perfectly happy with ourselves and generally perfect in every way. We must be perfect since we feel ready to judge others as needing to change to suit us.

Some people however, are sure that the other person can change and behave, act or look more like we would want them to. We decide that we will accept them, despite their missing something we wanted in a person. We are convinced that we can change them. After we do, they will be just right. Why they may even thank us for setting them straight. Everyone wins.

My theory, however, is that people change when they are ready to. Sometimes it is because they must or they will lose something they greatly care about. In other cases, they are not successful in reaching their goals, because their personality or habits prevent them from succeeding. Since the world will not change for them, they must change themselves to have a better life.

Otherwise, you as judge and jury about someone, are not likely to get them to change, however perfect you consider yourself as an example to anyone else.

I feel that if you don't like 90% of what you see in someone else, you probably will want to change the person. This is not likely to happen since they may be perfectly happy being themselves. If this is so, what is wrong with that anyway? 

Maybe instead, you should consider that if this 'flaw' or thing you see in them that does not suit you, it may mean that you can't or won't accept them as they are. Should you recognize this, you may be doing yourself, and them, a favour by finding someone else more suitable to you. 

If you don't understand them and/or like them as they are, move on to someone you do like and understand. Let them do the same. You will both be happier. 



See also: FRIENDSHIP - I LIKE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

OUR CITY TODAY - LEARNING ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD FROM HOME

Being a veteran of 30 years of Metro Toronto Caravan from the time it began in 1969, I have always been interested in learning about other people's cultures and traditions.

This multicultural event sometimes featured as many as 50 different locations.
These were spread out all over the city and each location was given the name of a city in another country of the world. Each one featured a display of items from the countries culture, foods you could buy and eat, some souvenirs and best of all music and dance performances. This was two weeks of nightly cultural education, with a booklet called a passport, stamped at the door of each location.

I remember one year eating the food of Indonesia, seeing the cloth and costumes, hearing their music and seeing the dances and being astonished by a brief film shown about the countries. I was shocked to realize that there were 140 million people I knew nothing about.

As Multicultural immigration grew in Toronto, Toronto, always a city of neighbourhoods, began to offer up a cornucopia of ethnic foods and culture. I think it became less unusual to be able to eat foods from most of the world because they were more available throughout the year, rather than just when the two week special event took place.

Ethiopian cabbies are stunned when I know about the amazing rock churches of Lalibela in northern Ethiopia, carved out of solid rock below the earth around the 12th century by Orthodox Christians.

Parisian Basques are surprised that I want to try Basque Ham at The Last Metro restaurant in Paris, and that I know about Izarra liqueur but have only seen yellow and not green versions on a poster where I eat crepes at home.

Among the wildly hospitable Parisians of 2006 Bucket List, Basque generosity, gave me shot samples of both liqueurs, and let up on, what I suspect was teasing me, (in mercifully unintelligible patois).

It is debatable whether governments and organizations trying to legislate equality and understanding of other cultures and countries by number counting, do as well as individual people do on their own, meeting with newcomers to the city, eating new foods and learning about new cultures.

I think that, the more we get to know and interact with other groups, whether they are people of other religions, cultures or races; the more we will learn and, I believe, value, the rich heritage and cultures that they add to the city we live in.

Already, in addition to established restaurants from all over the world, we have many new cultural events in our city throughout the year. This gives us a chance on a more regular basis to learn more about our newer neighbours and their lives, customs as well as trying new foods. 

I think our daily lives are richer because we learn more today than our brief vacations out of the country previously could teach us about other countries and people.

I find it good that every time I experiment with a new food and culture around my city, that I come home having learned a lot I didn't know about the people around me and am always happier for it. 

 
SEE ALSO: MERGING CULTURES AND RELIGIONS - FAMILIES TODAY

Note: OUR CITY TODAY -  LEARNING ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD FROM HOME and the essay I mention just above this note were originally one long essay trying to talk about more than one subject and possibly not doing justice to either. Rewritten today May 21, 2013 and newly published, I hope they do more justice to both subjects as separate essays.

KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE - FRIENDS...I THINK NOT

LET'S BE FRIENDS. I'd like that she says. Meanwhile she's thinking we've had a lot of troubles recently, maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder and he will realize he really wants and needs me. 

Who is going to be the friend in this situation? The EX-BOYFRIEND? The same EX-Boyfriend who didn't love her enough to stay with her and commit to her. The EX-Boyfriend, who still wants all of the support and encouragement and everything else she gave him up till now, but is not going to be there for her except when he is available and/or needs her temporarily to help him out with something.

The same EX-Boyfriend who is now intending to find someone else, play the field, has found someone else, is living with someone else, or worse still is marrying someone else. The same EX-Boyfriend who wants someone else as his wife and the mother of his children, wants YOU for a FRIEND. How Sweet!

So let me make this perfectly clear. While he is giving the rest of his time, energy, commitment, financial and emotional support and building a new life for himself and someone else; he wants you to be there to support and encourage him.

In addition, should he be between partners, or not find someone right away, you can be FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.

You, the Woman 'friend' in the meantime, can remain, half involved and half available for her EX at his convenience and stay that way forever, probably never really available to the sort of man you would really want. Why will you never find the one you want, and who would want only you? Because, unlike the EX Boyfriend, you actually aren't available for a full time commitment. Whether you realize it or not, you are half in and half out of a past relationship.

Then again, there is, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. I needed this one explained to me because I was happily married when some guy thought it up and convinced stupid insecure girls to accept it as a (let's pretend, not slutty) way to give him the sex he wants, whenever he wants it, in exchange for his 'friendship'.

The perfect male sex toy, docile supine woman, thinking NO STRINGS ATTACHED was her idea, and somehow good for her. The inventor was a genius. He was thinking on all cylinders, and both brains, came up with a perfect arrangement, FOR HIM.

Staying friends with your EX Boyfriend sounds like a guy's perfect arrangement, even without the benefits part. Even as a 'friend', the Woman gets a half relationship, most likely, forever. She will, in effect, never be fully available to find the sort of man who would be willing, ready and able, to commit totally to her.

Even were the woman 'friend' to find someone she loved, would he, after finding out she is still seeing one of more of her EX Boyfriends, still think, that she is as ready to commit to him as he is to her.  

Perhaps however, you are more trusting than I now am, and don't mind being open minded about his previous EX Girlfriends as well. If you are, I suppose it would be alright for the man you finally marry to continue to see his EX Girlfriends because they are just FRIENDS now too.

IF IT SOUNDS LIKE THE MAN HAS HIS PERFECT SOLUTION, with you as his friend, it is, because he does. The man will still get what he always got from you, his EX. You will continue to give him, your time and energy, encouragement and in fact, your best efforts, on his behalf. Meanwhile, he is giving the best of himself, probably including his love, to someone else.

The EX Girlfriend, as a friend, has not moved on, and might not be able to, since every time she tries, the former EX Boyfriend is there with what he needs or wants. 

He comes for a lot of things, all to meet his needs of the moment. He will come for you for some or all of the following: emotional support, advice, encouragement, consolation, and probably a free meal; and maybe sex as a bonus.

Naturally, we should remember there will, as there always has been, NO COMMITMENT from the EX; just as there never was before. Certainly, not enough, if you are honest enough with yourself to admit it. Had there been,  you would still be together full time, would you not. Then, he goes off again, for however long, to his new life; but you do not, not really.

I did this most of my life. I saw no harm in staying Friends with my Ex Boyfriends, they were after all friends, were they not. Actually, not really, and not to me.

When I met the love of my life, I was still seeing some of my Ex Boyfriends for Birthdays and Christmas for a meal and a gift exchange of some sort. My future husband did not really understand why, particularly after I was going to Marry him.

How, he asked, was I going to reciprocate his commitment and love for me, when I had all of these former boyfriends and (as we all know, in some cases) lovers, still around somewhere in my life? Though I insisted, on the innocence of it all, some people are obviously better at understanding human nature than I had been up till then.

I would now say to the EX who proposes 'friendship', I personally, do not think this will work for me.

I know what a Real Partner is. He is a Lover, A Friend, and someone who loves me, JUST THE WAY I AM, which You did not. He is willing to give me a commitment of his Heart, his Soul, his Name and his Life as my Partner. He deserves the same commitment from me, however long we shall live.

YOU meanwhile, have given me a partial relationship, no commitment and want even less now.

You have had enough of my sincere and very great generosity; more than you deserved of my time, energy, affection, support, encouragement and the love I offered you.

You chose to move on without me, and look for, and offer someone else, all of the parts of yourself, you could not, or would not, offer me. It looks like you want to keep only the parts of me you liked. This would be nice for you, but the parts of you that you are giving me are not the whole man and that is what I realize I actually need to be happy.

YOU NO LONGER DESERVE MY TIME, MY ENERGY, MY INSIGHT, MY SUPPORT, MY COMFORT, MY SELFLESS DEVOTION OR LOVE AND I AM NOT GIVING IT TO YOU PART TIME. I AM NOT YOUR PAL, CONFIDANTE, FRIEND OR CRYING TOWEL.

I WILL GIVE SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT, ALL I GAVE YOU AND MORE BECAUSE THIS TIME I WILL CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO DESERVES ALL I GAVE YOU.

BYE BYE., DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH.

MODERN DAY HORROR STORIES

Mark Steyn, who has written for the National Post in Canada, as well as, for various other international magazines and newspapers, wrote a book published in 2012 called After America. The following facts may sicken you, as they do me, but they should be known.

Much to my dismay, he says that recently, in several countries, particularly England and Scotland, Children drowned while Emergency Services stood by on several occasions, prevented by procedures from saving them. I fact, in one case a Glasgow University Student, unrestricted by job procedures, dove into the water to save a drowning child.

Mark talks about how differently Men behaved in the brief time the Titanic was sinking (with few exceptions incidentally), compared with how men acted when a ferry boat sank in Estonia in 1994.

What sort of (hu)man tells reporters that he passed by young children clinging to the ship rails and weeping (while he was obviously saving himself). Steyn also tells us about a woman with two broken legs unsuccessfully begging for a Life Jacket.

He also tells us, of a 96 year old man in London with two canes, standing in a subway car (since no one offered him a seat). This man was severely beaten by a 44 year old man because he was unable to move out of the younger man's way quickly enough.

What Mark has written detailing such as the above tragedies in his book (After American in Chapter Four - Decline p. 127-187), you and I risk becoming  disillusioned and disappointed by some of today's Men. 

This is a great pity when some of us have spent our entire lives seeing the good qualities and character of the fine Men around us.*

Beyond this however, if you are like me, you will read these Real Life Horror
Stories in dismay and weep in despair for the people among us incapable of understanding courage, heroism and decency. 

After some reflection however, you might, like me find some consolation when you consider that, as always in life, some horrible events occur, but thankfully still rarely enough to viscerally horrify and appall us.

When hearing the worst of what we are capable as human beings, there is a great danger in condemning all mankind, instead of reminding ourselves of the many acts of courage and selfless sacrifice and assistance we give each other, throughout the world every day.  




*originally written March 2012...as A LIVING NIGHTMARE - revised and republished twice, May 15 and June  27, 2013

I had not read this for a year. When I reread this recently, I sat there with  my eyes full of tears despairing at what we have descended to. i again, asked myself: IS THIS WHAT WE'VE BECOME?

Upon reflection, however, I realized that actually, such awful things are rare enough to horrify me. I realized that actually these acts, remain exceptions as they always have , in the midst of much good that is done naturally and generously around the world every day. 

CUTTING LIFE SHORT - NOT LIVING OUT YOUR LIFE (2011 & 2013)

Growing Old Gracefully may have become an outdated idea. Perhaps now all of us, young and old, will find a way to stay forever young.* This certainly seems to be an idea that has taken hold in our youth oriented culture and mores. Maybe we will eventually die still Zooming away when old age and our worn out bodies take the life out of us.

Perhaps we will exit, still kicking and screaming that we are too young to die. How can it be otherwise to those who keep saying "Life is too short" even when, life is just life, and it's length if ultimately unknowable.

Regardless of how long we may personally expect to live, genetic factors and personal preferences considered, it seems a number of ways are being discussed which may, at some future date, take the option of living out our natural full lifespan, out of our control.

THE DISCONNECTED NUCLEUR FAMILY AND THEIR DEPENDENTS - Protecting their expected inheritance

It is just possible that some selfish people among the growing numbers of adult ‘children’ never leaving their parental homes, may be hanging around their parent's homes far into Adulthood, proprietarily already watching what they expect to inherit from their parents estates eventually.

All too often, any money they 'borrow' is I suspect merely considered an advance on what the feel is eventually coming to them anyway. Besides it helps them to live the life now, that they feel they deserve.

Considering the disconnection of the Nucleur Family model today, were this 'impatience' to enjoy the benefits of this inheritance now grow; Euthanasia might become a widespread means by which the next generation will succeed the elderly. The disconnection will have reached its  disinterested objective culmination.

NDING IT ALL - LEGISLATING MURDER – EUTHANASIA AND ITS PROMOTERS

Should our culture sometime in the future determine that ageing or ailing people are no longer experiencing the 'quality of life' that others feel suitable, or that people are just living too long, we may reach a point where we legislate who lives or dies.

Possibly also, were some soulless bureaucrat and country decide that old or sick people are  considered too costly for society to take care of, we might even legislate parameters for Euthanasia to determine the end of life. This would nicely match the Choice movement which determines who gets to be born.
 

REFUSING HELP THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

For the past couple of years, I have been dismayed to hear many people express unwillingness to have Cancer treatment to prolong their lives. These people seem sincerely to feel that the (possibly painful) treatments necessary would not be worth the possibility of a cure. 

The Media when speaking of people saying they will not accept treatment if they get Cancer, might tragically lead to people fearing and/or refusing treatment that just might save their lives. Instead, the Media have unprecedented access to medical and scientific sources and could provide helpful and timely information about alternative options, treatment possibilities and medical breakthroughs. Such information could facilitate informed decisions in conjunction with their medical practitioners as to which alternatives and options might work best for the patient.  Scare mongering and unhelpful alarmist articles about serious and especially life threatening illnesses does not help anyone in society. Encouraging early diagnosis would.


NOT WANTING TO BE A BURDEN

Loving and caring people, who have always believed and practiced self sufficiency, might also feel that they would not want to be a Burden, or cause those they love the inconvenience of caring for them if they become ill and require a lot of nursing care and perhaps even help around their homes when they are not able to manage themselves.

Out of consideration and love of their families and friends, those not wanting to be a burden or simply feeling unwell, as well as, those who feel unwanted,  may voluntarily make 'Do Not Revive' directives commonplace.  Might this even extend to demanding some form of Suicide, assisted or otherwise, to shorten ones own life, when we are unwell or feel we are becoming a burden to others. I fear and dread, this is also a future possibility.

There are already, a lot of people we meet around us, and again, the Media, stating that they would not care to survive if seriously injured in an accident, or had become chronically ill. Strangely, others consider being seriously injured as a being 'A Vegetable'. There are many people who adamantly state that they feel, should they ever go in a coma, or become very infirm, that they would not consider their life worth living. Managing pain, fearing pain and being pain free is also expressed as an important wish or priority.

WHAT I BELIEVE

Because I believe that we exist to learn something and to live out an allotted lifespan, I feel dismayed by the thought of artificially terminating another persons life. Whether through self inflicted Suicide or society mandated Murder, both means artificially truncate the time we have been given for our lives to run their course. Perhaps the only person I am right about with this perspective is myself. However, I am talking about what I personally believe.

I did not refuse Cancer treatment, so I must be happy that I have now lived 13 years and 4 months, as of May 2013 than I might have without it. Just over a week ago, I ran into someone who had endured many, many operations around the same time (before and around the year 2000) and it is now 16 years for him. He delights joyously and rightfully in his 5 year old son.

I hope also that I will, at the end of my life, consider it a success. I hope to feel that I met, interacted with, given to and sometimes helped, many fine people.

I hope also that I can feel that I appreciated often the many gifts I had been given as well as, the fine family I was born into, the lovely friends I made along the way and overall the life I tried, and succeeded, in living to its Natural conclusion.

 

 *Footnote reference book relating to the above article, paragraph one.
As Marcel Danesi has written in his book, Forever Young - The Teen-Aging of Modern Culture, the parents are talking the talk of the young, wearing the clothes of much younger people, adopting the music and perhaps also the behaviour and attitudes of those much younger than their chronological age.

 NOTE: Other Essay Blogs that might be of interest and/or are of a related nature are:  
In 2012, I wrote about the 'youth' culture influencing our society: #1  FOREVER YOUNG (December  2011) and #2 - FOREVER YOUNG–2 (March 2012)
In 2013, I have also written:
LIFE IS NOT TOO SHORT and WHEN EVERYTHING & EVERYONE IS DISPOSABLE.
On Cancer: BC – BEFORE CANCER and AC – AFTER CANCER.
On the Nucleur Family: THE NUCEUR FAMILY – RELATIVELY SPEAKING and
THE NUCLEUR FAMILY – GETTING TOGETHER AND BREAKING APART

 

A FRIEND FOR LIFE AND AFTER

Last Wednesday May 8th, I met again with my mother's friend Helen who became my friend after my mother died in 1995. We met for the 17th time to celebrate Helen's 89 Birthday.

Helen and I had met a few times in the past while my Mother was alive and we met her, and on at least one occasion, her daughter while we were shopping on a main street nearby my Mother's house.

After my Mother died in l995, I received a telephone call on my Mother's Birthday in Februray 1996, from Helen. She said she was thinking of Mom and how they used to go and have a bowl of Soup and/or a Muffin and a cup of Tea together. She said they also exchanged a small gift. I was delighted that she remembered my mother and missed her and had called.

Helen and I began to meet and have lunch on her Birthday, then on my Birthday which comes later in the year as well. I always told her how much my Mother liked her 'spunk' and how she got up and went to things and danced and enjoyed people and things around her.

Helen was married for 47 years. Her husband died the same year as mine did 2005 but in January. They had one daughter, who is about 10 years younger than me. They lived in the same house for all of their married lives, as far as I know. 

My mother and Helen met when her daughter Brenda was selling Girl Guide cookies as a young girl and my mother ordered 6 boxes. Brenda was 'over the moon' delighted. She could hardly wait to run back up the block and tell her mom. She reminds us to this day, of the reason they met all those years ago.

Brenda has for several years joined us when we meet, since her mother has had leg and hip problems for several years now. The three of us began several years ago to go out for each others Birthdays...and other special occasions a few times a year.

Each Birthday event is a three part excursion. A meal, lunch or dinner, a trip to give the government our money...ie to a local casino, and then a dessert.  I usually give the casino (government operated) more than I will ever take home, and last week was no exception, whatever I had resolved before going.

I have not perhaps told you a lot of the details about Helen and her family; She is the same age as my mother would have been now - 89. My mother however, died when she was 71. 

I want only to add one story about her which says a everything about what she is like...while reminding me what Fiendship is and should always be about.

Early on our Birthday outings, I thought, never mind the Soup and Muffin place, I will take her to the Million Dollar designer decorated place across the street. I figured it would make it a special occasion and a treat.

Helen checks the menu and there isn't a Grilled Cheese Sandwich on it. That is what she wants.

After a brief debate with the Snooty Waitress about making my Friend what she wants, and my offering to go into the Kitchen and make it...if it is beyond the Waitress or Chefs ability...Helen gets her Grilled Cheese. It comes with a new thing for her, Mesclun Salad, which she tastes and likes also.  

This incident taught me a lesson. Don't think asking someone to eat something they don't want is going to make for a better day.

Just being with someone who has good memories of their Friend and who is your Friend is what actually is important.

Your Friend will be just as happy with a glass of Water, cup of Soup, Tea or whatever.

Helen by being her natural self reminded me about what was more important. The lesson will stay with me always. It is simple. It is right.

The best part is I have a friend now for 18 years, who came to me in an expected way...What a Gift.

WHO ARE YOU? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW

Who are you? Where do you live? I don't mean what geographical place, I mean when you are alone with only yourself to blame, praise, appreciate or disdain.

Most of us aren't Method Actors, analyzing and accessing: What is my motivation? Most of us are putting one foot in front of the other, going through our day, and living our life. However, I believe that a little reflection is in order if we are ever to understand what we are doing here, and the purpose of our lives.

Mark Twain said it better than I ever will: "The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why."

To get there we have to learn to live comfortably within our skin. This probably requires at least some reflection about 'Who am I when I am home?' What do I like? What do I feel? What am I basing my life on? 

We might also ask ourselves: Do I welcome today with hope that it will be better than yesterday?; or just drag myself through another day saying "Same Old, Same Old" or worse still, "Same Shit, Different Day".

There was a song, Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)? by Peter Sarstedt, where he asks someone he knew as a childhood friend, what she thinks about when she thinks about her life, when she is by herself. This woman, Marie Claire, belongs to the Jet Set, what we now call Glitterati or Celebrities. He is wondering what she really thinks about her life, and whether she remembers their childhood friendship as poor children in Naples.

Someone once said, Every person has a Book in them. The story of their life. Sometimes, they write it, most of us just live it.

I don't think someone sitting across from me on a Bus has anything less important to say than I do. They may just not have the time, energy or ability to put it into words. Talk to them for a minute and you share their world. Talk to them for a minute and you have a chance to see who they are and where they live.

Maybe you want to talk about your world, to share it with the rest of us, so I ask you again, 'WHO ARE YOU? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW' **






* WHERE DO YOU GO TO (MY LOVELY) song by Peter Sarstedt, 1969.
** WHO ARE YOU? - song by Peter Townshend of the group THE WHO.

THE GIRL WITH THE HALO ON HER HEAD

I saw a lot of the city on Saturday. I may have been mistaken, but, I thought the Full Moon had come and gone. Perhaps not. Maybe it was just too hot outside for the first people I noticed, because they were acting crazy.

The first was on the Subway. I heard some intermittent yelling but it was when one of the new open - front to back - trains came in, that I saw who was making the noise.

Seated by the door about 20 feet from me, was a man slamming his fist repeated against the glass window next to him. Next he decided to yell a few times and have a fistfight with the air in front of him.

At this point I left the train and looked for the transit driver I'd seen walk by 3 or 4 times and told him what I'd seen. He wasn't interested, so I took the next train.

A couple of hours later, further Downtown, another fellow I could see through the Streetcar window was having quite an animated talk with himself.

I missed last weeks well dressed man who entered a Subway Car and said he wasn't going to be violent, BUT, everyone on the car should give him 4 dollars. Someone gave him 5 dollars and he left the car. Where are they coming from? New and exciting stuff these days it seems.

Finally, I went to church for a blessing of food for Sunday's meal. Just before a young girl, got on the bus, just ahead of me. On her head was a wreath/crown/halo, call it what you will, of flowers around her head and a smaller bouquet in her hands.

You may realize by now, I am not very shy, so I asked her if she was going to a Wedding because of the flowers around her head. I was charmed to hear that she was taking a Flower Arranging Course nearby. I told her she had made all of us smile. Sure enough, when she looked around, she saw it was true.

Bless her and bless all those who somehow overcome and endure, and even share something beautiful with us, despite the hardships others are having as they live.

MEETING AUDREY HEPBURN - UNICEF VISIT TO TORONTO CANADA

I met Audrey Hepburn in 1989 when she came to Toronto to speak about Unicef. I went to a luncheon, not the grand ball with the city's gliteratti and I am glad I did. Not only the luncheon, also the press conference as well, meant a good long time hearing her speak and realizing that she was committed to use her fame to give back to others.

That she continued to do this as long as she physically could, shows her determination and committment to give what she could to help Unicef make the world a better place. To do this, among other sacrifices, she had to overcome her extremely introverted nature.

Audrey Hepburn would have been celebrating her birthday today. She was born on May 4th, 1929 and died of Cancer on January 20, 1993. Her father was an Irish Banker, her mother was a Dutch Baroness. At the time the Second World War began, her parents, separated at the time, decided she might be safer in Holland than in England, where she had been attending school.

This decision was crucial. By the end of the war, Arnheim Holland had been flattened by bombs, one of Audrey's uncles had been shot, another brother walked home arriving 3 months after everyone thought he had died and Audrey herself had escaped from a truck taking her to a labour camp and had hidden for months in a basement. When Unicef arrived immediately after the war, they found a very sick young woman.

No doubt, any of us can access most of her biography ourselves online. What none of us can ever really touch is the unique and ephemeral nature of her being. No one can, or will ever be, like her.

She had two sons after many miscarriages. The oldest Sean Ferrer writes about her often. I believe he has four children. The younger son, Luca Dotti born 10 years after Sean in l970, has never spoken in public about his mother before now. Amazingly, therefore, he is writing a book about her and is featured in Vanity Fair magazine in May 2013 speaking about her life in Rome when he was growing up. Sean's book about his mother, An Elegant Spirit, was a wonderful testimony which showed how well she succeded as a mother.

Now it is twenty years since she died. Those of us who admired her from afar, and by some miracle, got to see her vibrant and alive, will never forget her. Those of us who admire her and what she exemplified, an elegant spirit, a lovely soul, and so much more that is ephemeral and always lovely, have never been surprised that she played an Angel in her final movie role.


P.S. on April 12th someone remembered this special poem Audrey loved:

This exquisite poem TIME-TESTED BEAUTY TIPS excerpted from the poem by Sam Levenson*
is quoted by AUDREY HEPBURN'S son Sean Ferrer in his book AUDREY HEPBURN-An Elegant Spirit.

Sean spoke last at her funeral and read the following excerpt from the Levenson poem.
 

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone".

Sean continued;

"We leave you a tradition with a future.
The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete".

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others".

"Your 'good old days' are still ahead of you, may you have many of them".


_____________________________________________________

TIME-TESTED BEAUTY TIPS*

by Sam Levenson

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be see from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows".

PLEASE WRITE ABOUT YOURSELF TOO

For many years I saved boxes and boxes of other people's writing especially articles from newspapers and magazines. Sometimes the subject interested me. Other times there was a beautiful photograph. I especially liked a well written article.

After a while there were quite a few boxes of these sorted into file folders by subject. The largest file, however was usually the one with a miscellany of articles to be sorted or something.

As long ago as High School someone asked why I didn't write my own things instead of saving other peoples. He had a point.

Occasionally for a short period of time I wrote a few words down and typed them up. Sometimes I would feel like writing about something I had either seen or heard or felt. I would type these up on a typewriter and sometimes revise and retype them eventually several times. Hard work when your just doing it for yourself. 

Later, I put these on a floppy disk but the laptop computer had a virus and 177 pages were 'stuck' on the disk until one of my nephews rescued them a couple of years ago.

For a while the only subject guaranteed to get a visceral and often explosive rant from me, verbally or on paper, was Politics. I sometimes felt that if someone pushed a button, I could go on forever. Fortunately, this became boring, even to me, eventually. I am sure those around me had had enough long before I did. 

Like you, I think about a lot of things in the course of a day. Upcoming events like a family dinner tomorrow are on my mind today. I'll be seeing my niece dance again later in the month. Meanwhile, there is unusually gorgeous weather here and I already have tan lines on my feet because I wore sandals for two days. I have a lot to do today to get ready for tomorrow, and get a lot of stuff done which I need to do today, including getting food blessed and making time for some quiet reflection at church and many other things.

Earlier this week I replied to one of the people in the Google circle after she had put a lovely quote on her blog site, as quite a few people do on the sites I have seen so far. We e-talked a bit about where we live and what we were doing with a 5 hour time zone difference. I told her I was writing prose essays. She said she didn't do that. From the great things she had to say to me, I can't see why not.

I wanted to tell her that years ago, when my late husband was given a cousin in New Zealand's address, as well as, that of a childhood friend who now lived in Australia; he wondered what he could write to them about. I suggested, he write about his daily life or routine or a description of something around here. I thought that this would probably be so different than their lives in another hemisphere that it would be of interest to them. How right I was.

When the New Zealand relatives write and show me a photo of their garden with a very tall single stemmed flower with a orange fuzzy top that is the centrepiece of their garden, I am fascinated.

When one of the Australians tell me they just had to fish a big spider out of their pool and take it to some government office, I remember what Bill Bryson said in his book, In a Sunburnt Country, about the types of poisonous critters in Australia. Incidentally, my friend seemed pretty calm about the spider even though she grew up in Britain. Her life, years earlier in Rhodesia must have been interesting too.  

See what I mean. The money is different, the life is different, the language is different. The terrain and wildlife are different. What people eat every day is different.

When looking at a week's groceries for a family of four in various parts of the world in the book Hungry Planet**, at the very least, I'll bet all of them don't eat a bowl of processed cold cereal for breakfast, as we might here in North America.

Some of the people I have just met on Google live in the middle of Brazil, others in places, no kidding, I have to look up. Their lives would probably be very interesting to me and a lot of other people. Their ideas and beliefs would be interesting to hear about.

If nothing else, like my husband and his friend, you can wonder what Poutine is (since my husband didn't think to ask almost anybody else here in Canada).*

Meanwhile you have a conversation and an exchange of information and often ideas. Best of all you will have written something of your own. You are writing about the life around you, even when you are just describing some small event that was part of your day. Probably to you its just an everyday thing, to some of us though, it is new and interesting and fascinating. Why not give it a try. I would be delighted to hear from you.




*Poutine is a Canadian dish (originally from Quebec), made with french fries, topped with brown gravy and cheese curds. 
**Hungry Planet, What the World Eats - by Peter Menzel and Faith D'Aluisio.
30 families, 24 countries, 600 meals.