LET'S BE FRIENDS. I'd like that she says. Meanwhile she's thinking we've had a lot of troubles recently, maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder and he will realize he really wants and needs me.
Who is going to be the friend in this situation? The EX-BOYFRIEND? The same EX-Boyfriend who didn't love her enough to stay with her and commit to her. The EX-Boyfriend, who still wants all of the support and encouragement and everything else she gave him up till now, but is not going to be there for her except when he is available and/or needs her temporarily to help him out with something.
The same EX-Boyfriend who is now intending to find someone else, play the field, has found someone else, is living with someone else, or worse still is marrying someone else. The same EX-Boyfriend who wants someone else as his wife and the mother of his children, wants YOU for a FRIEND. How Sweet!
So let me make this perfectly clear. While he is giving the rest of his time, energy, commitment, financial and emotional support and building a new life for himself and someone else; he wants you to be there to support and encourage him.
In addition, should he be between partners, or not find someone right away, you can be FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.
You, the Woman 'friend' in the meantime, can remain, half involved and half available for her EX at his convenience and stay that way forever, probably never really available to the sort of man you would really want. Why will you never find the one you want, and who would want only you? Because, unlike the EX Boyfriend, you actually aren't available for a full time commitment. Whether you realize it or not, you are half in and half out of a past relationship.
Then again, there is, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. I needed this one explained to me because I was happily married when some guy thought it up and convinced stupid insecure girls to accept it as a (let's pretend, not slutty) way to give him the sex he wants, whenever he wants it, in exchange for his 'friendship'.
The perfect male sex toy, docile supine woman, thinking NO STRINGS ATTACHED was her idea, and somehow good for her. The inventor was a genius. He was thinking on all cylinders, and both brains, came up with a perfect arrangement, FOR HIM.
Staying friends with your EX Boyfriend sounds like a guy's perfect arrangement, even without the benefits part. Even as a 'friend', the Woman gets a half relationship, most likely, forever. She will, in effect, never be fully available to find the sort of man who would be willing, ready and able, to commit totally to her.
Even were the woman 'friend' to find someone she loved, would he, after finding out she is still seeing one of more of her EX Boyfriends, still think, that she is as ready to commit to him as he is to her.
Perhaps however, you are more trusting than I now am, and don't mind being open minded about his previous EX Girlfriends as well. If you are, I suppose it would be alright for the man you finally marry to continue to see his EX Girlfriends because they are just FRIENDS now too.
IF IT SOUNDS LIKE THE MAN HAS HIS PERFECT SOLUTION, with you as his friend, it is, because he does. The man will still get what he always got from you, his EX. You will continue to give him, your time and energy, encouragement and in fact, your best efforts, on his behalf. Meanwhile, he is giving the best of himself, probably including his love, to someone else.
The EX Girlfriend, as a friend, has not moved on, and might not be able to, since every time she tries, the former EX Boyfriend is there with what he needs or wants.
He comes for a lot of things, all to meet his needs of the moment. He will come for you for some or all of the following: emotional support, advice, encouragement, consolation, and probably a free meal; and maybe sex as a bonus.
Naturally, we should remember there will, as there always has been, NO COMMITMENT from the EX; just as there never was before. Certainly, not enough, if you are honest enough with yourself to admit it. Had there been, you would still be together full time, would you not. Then, he goes off again, for however long, to his new life; but you do not, not really.
I did this most of my life. I saw no harm in staying Friends with my Ex Boyfriends, they were after all friends, were they not. Actually, not really, and not to me.
When I met the love of my life, I was still seeing some of my Ex Boyfriends for Birthdays and Christmas for a meal and a gift exchange of some sort. My future husband did not really understand why, particularly after I was going to Marry him.
How, he asked, was I going to reciprocate his commitment and love for me, when I had all of these former boyfriends and (as we all know, in some cases) lovers, still around somewhere in my life? Though I insisted, on the innocence of it all, some people are obviously better at understanding human nature than I had been up till then.
I would now say to the EX who proposes 'friendship', I personally, do not think this will work for me.
I know what a Real Partner is. He is a Lover, A Friend, and someone who loves me, JUST THE WAY I AM, which You did not. He is willing to give me a commitment of his Heart, his Soul, his Name and his Life as my Partner. He deserves the same commitment from me, however long we shall live.
YOU meanwhile, have given me a partial relationship, no commitment and want even less now.
You have had enough of my sincere and very great generosity; more than you deserved of my time, energy, affection, support, encouragement and the love I offered you.
You chose to move on without me, and look for, and offer someone else, all of the parts of yourself, you could not, or would not, offer me. It looks like you want to keep only the parts of me you liked. This would be nice for you, but the parts of you that you are giving me are not the whole man and that is what I realize I actually need to be happy.
Who is going to be the friend in this situation? The EX-BOYFRIEND? The same EX-Boyfriend who didn't love her enough to stay with her and commit to her. The EX-Boyfriend, who still wants all of the support and encouragement and everything else she gave him up till now, but is not going to be there for her except when he is available and/or needs her temporarily to help him out with something.
The same EX-Boyfriend who is now intending to find someone else, play the field, has found someone else, is living with someone else, or worse still is marrying someone else. The same EX-Boyfriend who wants someone else as his wife and the mother of his children, wants YOU for a FRIEND. How Sweet!
So let me make this perfectly clear. While he is giving the rest of his time, energy, commitment, financial and emotional support and building a new life for himself and someone else; he wants you to be there to support and encourage him.
In addition, should he be between partners, or not find someone right away, you can be FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.
You, the Woman 'friend' in the meantime, can remain, half involved and half available for her EX at his convenience and stay that way forever, probably never really available to the sort of man you would really want. Why will you never find the one you want, and who would want only you? Because, unlike the EX Boyfriend, you actually aren't available for a full time commitment. Whether you realize it or not, you are half in and half out of a past relationship.
Then again, there is, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. I needed this one explained to me because I was happily married when some guy thought it up and convinced stupid insecure girls to accept it as a (let's pretend, not slutty) way to give him the sex he wants, whenever he wants it, in exchange for his 'friendship'.
The perfect male sex toy, docile supine woman, thinking NO STRINGS ATTACHED was her idea, and somehow good for her. The inventor was a genius. He was thinking on all cylinders, and both brains, came up with a perfect arrangement, FOR HIM.
Staying friends with your EX Boyfriend sounds like a guy's perfect arrangement, even without the benefits part. Even as a 'friend', the Woman gets a half relationship, most likely, forever. She will, in effect, never be fully available to find the sort of man who would be willing, ready and able, to commit totally to her.
Even were the woman 'friend' to find someone she loved, would he, after finding out she is still seeing one of more of her EX Boyfriends, still think, that she is as ready to commit to him as he is to her.
Perhaps however, you are more trusting than I now am, and don't mind being open minded about his previous EX Girlfriends as well. If you are, I suppose it would be alright for the man you finally marry to continue to see his EX Girlfriends because they are just FRIENDS now too.
IF IT SOUNDS LIKE THE MAN HAS HIS PERFECT SOLUTION, with you as his friend, it is, because he does. The man will still get what he always got from you, his EX. You will continue to give him, your time and energy, encouragement and in fact, your best efforts, on his behalf. Meanwhile, he is giving the best of himself, probably including his love, to someone else.
The EX Girlfriend, as a friend, has not moved on, and might not be able to, since every time she tries, the former EX Boyfriend is there with what he needs or wants.
He comes for a lot of things, all to meet his needs of the moment. He will come for you for some or all of the following: emotional support, advice, encouragement, consolation, and probably a free meal; and maybe sex as a bonus.
Naturally, we should remember there will, as there always has been, NO COMMITMENT from the EX; just as there never was before. Certainly, not enough, if you are honest enough with yourself to admit it. Had there been, you would still be together full time, would you not. Then, he goes off again, for however long, to his new life; but you do not, not really.
I did this most of my life. I saw no harm in staying Friends with my Ex Boyfriends, they were after all friends, were they not. Actually, not really, and not to me.
When I met the love of my life, I was still seeing some of my Ex Boyfriends for Birthdays and Christmas for a meal and a gift exchange of some sort. My future husband did not really understand why, particularly after I was going to Marry him.
How, he asked, was I going to reciprocate his commitment and love for me, when I had all of these former boyfriends and (as we all know, in some cases) lovers, still around somewhere in my life? Though I insisted, on the innocence of it all, some people are obviously better at understanding human nature than I had been up till then.
I would now say to the EX who proposes 'friendship', I personally, do not think this will work for me.
I know what a Real Partner is. He is a Lover, A Friend, and someone who loves me, JUST THE WAY I AM, which You did not. He is willing to give me a commitment of his Heart, his Soul, his Name and his Life as my Partner. He deserves the same commitment from me, however long we shall live.
YOU meanwhile, have given me a partial relationship, no commitment and want even less now.
You have had enough of my sincere and very great generosity; more than you deserved of my time, energy, affection, support, encouragement and the love I offered you.
You chose to move on without me, and look for, and offer someone else, all of the parts of yourself, you could not, or would not, offer me. It looks like you want to keep only the parts of me you liked. This would be nice for you, but the parts of you that you are giving me are not the whole man and that is what I realize I actually need to be happy.
YOU NO LONGER DESERVE MY TIME, MY ENERGY, MY INSIGHT, MY SUPPORT, MY COMFORT, MY SELFLESS DEVOTION OR LOVE AND I AM NOT GIVING IT TO YOU PART TIME. I AM NOT YOUR PAL, CONFIDANTE, FRIEND OR CRYING TOWEL.
I WILL GIVE SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT, ALL I GAVE YOU AND MORE BECAUSE THIS TIME I WILL CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO DESERVES ALL I GAVE YOU.
BYE BYE., DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH.
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