HOW SOMEONE BECOMES A BEST FRIEND

The other day I spoke about the rarest Woman I ever met. She was the only Woman who ever told me she didn’t have any Friends. She was unique in all of my experience.

Since I am a Woman myself, I know just how difficult it would normally be for a Woman, almost any Woman or even female girl, to be without Friends.

Almost any Female I have met or probably ever will meet, finds it almost impossible to not communicate with those around her. Even those unable to speak will sign and, if there is one who can not sign, I am sure she would write or draw or something. In short, I think it is the nature of the Female to want and need to communicate with other people.

When you make a Woman friend, with few exceptions, you make a Friend for life. You know that be it two days, two months, or two years; the next time you meet a Woman Friend, let alone your Best Friend, you will take up your relationship almost exactly where you left off. In fact, the first half hour will pass like a few minutes, so rapidly will you be speaking to each other to catch up on what has occurred in each of your lives in the interim since you last saw each other.

Most Woman know that their 'real' Friends will be there with them. Some of us joke about our Friendship, among each other and even in front of our partners, as being ones for life because we feel we each know more about each other than about anyone else in our lives. We might even smile when we say that each of us knows 'where the bodies are buried'. In other words literally there is nothing we don't know about each other that we have not shared and lived through together.

I mentioned above, with few exceptions. The Woman, known to all other Women by the universal label 'Slut' is an exception. Unfortunately, most Women know at least one. The Gold Digger is another. The 'man stealer', she of incomprehensible competition with all other Women is among the lowest form of life in the Women’s world.  The ‘man stealer’ is, in fact, the one who wins our universal vote as, the most likely to run off with someone else's husband, is an unwelcome third exception somewhere in our own, or our Friends lives. All of these qualify without argument, as the Pariahs in the world of Women.

Such Women are mercifully the exception. They are however, also the detritus and 'garbage' of the world of Women. Many of us would wonder who their Friends could possibly be. We can only assume that ‘like attracts like’ and their associates must be people as low as they are. No one we want to know that's for sure.

The priceless Woman on the other hand in any Woman’s life is your Mother. Your mother and your Best Friend are your Best Friends and companions for your life and theirs.

Your Best Friend is the first person you want to call when you are happy and absolutely the first person you want/need to call when you are sad. She accepted you as you were and are, long ago. She sees you as you are, understands you and still welcomes you into her life. 

She offered you her unconditional support, encouragement and love so long ago that you barely remember a time when you weren’t friends. In fact, she probably never saw your flaws or weaknesses in the first place.  

She has seen you you when you have been your happiest, and held your hand and let your rest your head on her shoulder when you were at your saddest. There is no one like her; and that is all right, because our Best Friends, are meant to be truly One of a Kind.

PEOPLE WHO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

I doubt any of us has ever heard anyone say that they wanted to be forgotten. More likely, most of us hope, to be remembered. We would perhaps even like to be remembered as having made a difference.

I don’t think that the only memorable people are those who become famous because we see them in the media. In fact, those are people we actually do not know except through media. What many/most of these people are like as people is something we will never know.

However, I think every one of us knows someone we consider special and extraordinary. To us, and often to many other people around us, such people are admired, respected and regarded fondly. The question is, what makes some people memorable?

In some case, a person may have invented something, accomplished something or achieved something notable, which benefits others.

Some people, for example, create and invent things all of their lives because they are able to perceive a need and know how to fill it. Other people devote their time to helping others well being, and their health and mobility concerns.

This group of people often are employed and/or volunteer their time to the caring professions.

Other people raise money to help people needier than themselves. Still others volunteer their time to thousands of charities and organizations that provide aid to disabled and challenged individuals, particularly those who find life very difficult.

Many more people however, might be considered ‘unsung heroes’. These are people who are perhaps ‘stars’ only in our lives. We unconsciously or occasionally consciously, give them our esteem and regard because they give so much to the rest of us. Almost any parent might qualify. Hopefully some of us who are aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, friends and neighbours, might be considered ‘good guys’ to those in our lives.

There is much good done every day by ‘ordinary people’ many of whose names most of us may never know. To me the people around me are the unsung heroes of my life.

They are the people who populate my life: they greet me and recognize me and cheer me up and often cheer me on, as I go through my day. They are actually in the ‘front lines’ of my life. Frankly, they make all of the difference in the world to me.

I hope I thank them enough for the role they play in my life, although I doubt it. They are present in my life and I am in theirs. I hope they are as glad to know me as I am to know them. 

LIFE IS LIKE A CAMERA

Last year someone sent me the following inspirational message. I really liked it a lot. I think it gives a good recipe for successful living. The message reads: 

“Life is like a Camera…Focus on what’s important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And, if things don’t work out…Take another shot.”

In order not to be overwhelmed by all of the demands on our time, each of us needs to focus and prioritize in order to be successful at completing the tasks we take on.

The good times are worth remembering. They remind us of beauty and happiness and important events in our lives. In fact, remembering them can help us to get through many of the tougher challenges we might encounter.  

The negative or difficult times can be stressful, upsetting and unnerving even, but we can also, in retrospect, reflect on the life lessons they forced us to learn.

In any case, if things don’t work out, we can look ahead to a different or better outcome by trying again.

As far as I know, the writer of this message was anonymous. The advice however is worth considering. 

HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE BORN

HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE BORN

I used to consider myself garrulous which I thought meant friendly and talkative. One day I met a smart man who told me garrulous meant speaking without a purpose, i.e. rambling and that he thought I must mean gregarious…and so, from such humble beginnings, a friendship is born.

Last autumn, as I often do, I stopped at a coffee shop for a coffee. This one was a Starbucks located in a large book store. With many tables taken, I asked if I might share a table with a young Japanese girl. From such small beginnings, a friendship is born.

This young Woman was in Canada (for a year) in order to learn to speak English. She had beautiful long hair and lovely long eyelashes. She was a tiny person. She had, I learned, a professional career in Japan, was unmarried and a very fine fashion sense. She was what I would consider ‘cute as a button’, friendly and also very nice. Like most younger people she was glued to her text messages, something I have come to expect as inevitable among most young people.

Since it was already Autumn or Fall as many of us call it, I decided to warn her that she could expect some pretty cold weather and should prepare a bit. When she asked when, I presciently said, ‘any time now’. Consequently, on our next meeting I brought gloves, a head band, a wool scarf, a warm pea jacket (far too big for her, although too small for me) and after some traipsing around, showed her what kind of leotard and boots and warm socks she would probably need.

Once she realized leotards were tights and UGG’s were worn here in winter and she already had a scarf and a warmer coat, she was soon dressed more warmly. This turned out to be not a minute too soon for the worst winter in 50 years arrived soon after.

I am pleased to tell you though, that being young and cute and stylish, she never gave up her lace shorts, even when she had to wear them over tights.

I did not realize, until much later that she really would go on her dream trip to Machu Picchu and to see the salt lake in Bolivia before she returned home to Japan. I also did not realize that my initial conversations with her were harder for her to understand than I thought.

Life is a funny old thing, isn’t it? It takes you to places you never imagined you would go and brings people into your life, you normally would not expect to meet.

As I mentioned earlier, being open to new experiences and new people, holds the possibility of a rich, interesting and varied life.

The letter from my Japanese friend which I received last week was a big surprise. It was well written in English. It was neatly printed and included a ‘lucky’ charm she had made for me. I am delighted to have a real letter to add to the email message memories I have of my friend.

I enjoy the texts we send each other and other news about her life back home. She sent photos several times, since she returned home in March, to me and another friend I introduced her too. We will go on Skype soon I hope and let her practice English a bit on us when we talk, since she says she is not getting enough practice back home.

Maybe we will see each other again…Paris next year is a possibility for the 2 of us from Toronto to meet our lovely new friend from Japan. In the meantime, I smile as I think of how I made a new friend one day when I stopped for a break in a crowded coffee shop.

MAKING NEW FRIENDS

I am fortunate in that I meet people easily and almost everywhere I go. I suppose I am an extrovert, although I would not consider myself one were it not for the fact that I can, and do, speak to people I see around me, almost anywhere I go throughout the day. I do not feel any reticence in speaking to almost anyone I meet. To the late Will Rogers and me, "A stranger is just a Friend I haven't met yet".

Many years ago I met a Woman who said she didn’t have any friends. I dismissed this as impossible. However, she invited me to her apartment for a cup of tea and told me about a trip she had taken to Germany and her experience with travelling alone and as an unaccompanied female, somehow not being able to be served in the restaurant of her hotel. I remember also that she had a large Spider Web in the corner of a window of her Living Room. I suppose it is possible that she actually did not have any friends. Although, I said hello to her when I met her, we never did anything else together after sharing the cup of tea.

I have written before about being widowed and some of my experiences with meeting people. In some cases, I have become reacquainted with people I knew before I was married. Most of the people I knew while I was married are still somewhere in my life, although some of those we knew as a couple are often now people I see at various events we both attend. We often spend a few minutes together and ‘catch up’ but I would consider most of these contacts as casual.

When I started to meet new people on my own, I generally found that my personality enabled me to speak to almost anyone I wanted to with ease and spontaneity. I have a particularly easy time speaking to Women since we seem to share our experiences of life fairly easily and freely. Perhaps in our society the experiences of Women have many similarities to those of other Women.

It seems therefore to be fairly easy to interact and speak with Women I meet in, at least, a friendly and casual way. Arranging to meet for coffee or a meal is usually not hard to organize. Usually getting together with other Women depends on their current obligations and whether they are still working or how much time they need to spend with their families.

I find, a busy Woman remains a busy Woman all of her life. Even in retirement, a normally busy woman, wonders how she ever managed all of the things she used to have to get done and go to work as well. I would say that for an energetic Woman, activities expand to fill to overflowing whatever time is available.

Meeting Men has also been something I have found relatively easy and comfortable as well. I seem more recently (since being widowed) to meet many Men who have never married. I eventually realized that most of these Men live fairly similar lives. Some Women feel that the never married man looks for a Mother. Cynical Women says Widows meet Men who want a Woman who is a ‘Wallet’ or a ‘Nurse’.

I am not generally a cynical Woman so I would say that most never married Men have a regular routine which they follow. They generally have long established, and often quite specific plans. For example, on a particular day each month they might meet one or more of their friends. Whether to lunch together, attend events of mutual interest or simply to hang out, plans are usually made for a particular day or week each month.

It might be a bit of a generalization, but I think it may be true that Men are creatures of habit. I might also say that the routines and structures in their lives may serve them very well. If I am not mistaken, a change in routine or spontaneous/spur of the moment deviation, actually might be disconcerting or uncomfortable for many Men.

Just as many Men do not enjoy shopping or talking a lot, I would think also that Surprises are not among their favourite things either.

When I mentioned above that making friends with Women may be contingent on their current obligations and what mutual interests you might share together, I meant that making a new Woman friend is possible whatever your age or circumstances.

Making new friends with Men, while also somewhat dependent on mutual interests, will also depend, I feel, on whether they have a place for you in their established routine. Obviously, some interest in you will have a great deal to do with whether you develop any more of a relationship at all beyond casual greetings when you both attend the same event.

I would say however, that involvement with a never married Man and a friendship with one would likely be more unlikely unless he felt an attraction or interest in a new relationship to fill a gap created by the loss of an former one. In general, a Man who has never married generally may never have married for a reason and also that he might also have consciously decided not to marry.

I am somewhat entertained by books titled, How to Get Married after 35 or 40 or…whatever decade you personally may have reached. I suspect that any of us passing some Benchmark as a date after which people generally don’t marry, probably have, by now, filled their lives with regular activities, friendships and events. I suspect that few of us would be willing to totally change our lives to be part of a couple again, except if we miraculously met someone who somehow seamlessly fit into our existing lives.

The likelihood of Mr. or Miss 100% Right suddenly sweeping most of us off of our feet and transforming and transporting us into a new life, seems at best, a very unlikely possibility.

Making New Friends however, is always a good thing. Leaving room in our lives for new interests and people will mean we will always have an opportunity to learn about and experience new things. We are giving ourselves a chance to keep evolving and growing. In many ways, an openness to new ideas and people, compliments an already full and rich life. In fact, welcoming new people into our lives, ensures that our lives will continue to be interesting and happy ones. 

CELEBRATE YOUR INDIVIDUALITY

I believe that we live many lives as we develop and evolve as people. Some people say they ‘wear many hats’. Most of us can be considered part of a number of groups. On the most basic levels we might say, we are male or female, young or old, children or adults, sisters or brothers, daughters or sons, mothers or fathers etc. Beyond this, some of us identify ourselves by our occupations. In some cases, a job is much more than just a job, it is an identity that defines some people, both professionally and also personally.

I am inclined to think that the way in which we define ourselves, what we identify with and feel connected to provides us with a sense of identity and having a place in society. I also believe that elements of this identity, logically and necessarily change over time.

I feel, we actually ‘live’ many different lives and therefore identify ourselves differently at different periods in the course of our lives. Some of these suit us better than others and we incorporate and assimilate them into our lifelong personal identity. Others we are glad to move away from and put behind us.

For example, few of us remain full time students for our entire lives. While lifelong learning is to be hoped for and literally continues throughout the course of our lives, few of us, continue as full time Students into middle age.

Beyond the general categories we might use to describe our stage in life and our place in society, as individuals we are both similar to those around us and uniquely ourselves. It is in these individual ways, whether through the way we dress, act or express ourselves, that we make our lives truly our own.

If I were to give anyone one piece of advice on how to live a good life it would be to make your life your own. I would tell people I spoke with to be an individual. Enjoy being yourself. I would encourage them to do something every day that you personally like doing.

I would certainly encourage each of us to celebrate with others the things you have in common and the sense you have of belonging to various groups in your life.

I would also suggest however, that we take some time in our lives to celebrate and enjoy the attributes and abilities which differentiate and distinguish us from others. It is these things which let us make a unique contribution to the world around us.

Perhaps we should be less conscious of how we differ from others, and how they differ from us. Perhaps we might instead consciously acknowledge and appreciate, how these differences make our lives and that of those around us, considerably more interesting than they would otherwise be. 

MEN FRIENDS

I meet a lot of people, many/most of them Men. My education, my working life and even my social life, all meant I met many more Men than Women. This continues to be the case today.

As many of you know, I was very happily married until I became a Widow in 2005. From the time of my Marriage, therefore, Men were just more people I met and not people I would look at as other than Friends. I think because of this, I became much better at looking at Men as people of the opposite sex, and I am convinced saw them more objectively, than had we been dating.

What then, if anything did I learn by looking at the opposite sex, Men, as people? I think I would say I found most Men are friendly. Many of them will give you their honest advice, if you ask for it. If you don't ask for advice, and sometimes even when you do, most Men, unlike Women, won't volunteer their opinion.

If you have something that is not working properly, ask a man to fix it. He will often drop everything and fix whatever it is that is broken or tell you how you can fix it. Their solution will usually not involve spending a lot of money. Most Men will try and repair the one they have, before they buy a new one. In fact, if you are planning to throw out something, most Men will take it home and fix it. They will then probably offer to return it to you. If you decide you don't want it back, they will probably use it themselves. Often several years later, the will thank you again, for something that works so well.

Some of the men I know, that talk about such things at all, say that Men are Neanderthals and have not evolved much in a very long time. They will tell you they are visual beings and simple in their wants and needs.

You will notice that their friendships with each other are different than those of Women. For example, there are very few Men I have ever met who talk a lot. In fact, those that do are dismissed by being called 'Salesmen'. I guess there is room for everybody in life, but a man that is a 'Salesman' in his personal life probably is looked at suspiciously by other Men. He may also be accused of always 'selling something' or being pushy or having 'the gift of the gab'. None of this implies respect or admiration, in fact, likely the opposite.

A man who shops is a unique specimen as well. Few Men like to shop, other than for necessities such as food. The concept of a man going shopping is rare, even when far from home. He will drive you to the mall, but likely will find some way to meet up with you later. Save shopping for your Women friends or the rare male who might enjoy it, though few of these exist.

I like the fact that Men will usually answer a question with a considered answer. Most of them, won't just blurt out the first thing that comes into their head either. They will consider your question and assume you asked it because you actually want an answer.

If you are seeking a solution to a problem, you can do no better than asking a man for his advice. Provided that you explain the problem in a few words, you will get a reply, in a few words, which the man has carefully considered.

A word of warning, I think most Men find a lot of words confusing, possibly even upsetting. Unlike Women, who can follow several conversations at once, I don't believe this works with Men at all. They may try to decipher what you are actually asking for, but many will just withdraw and stay silent until you ask again for the answer to what you were asking for before. Perhaps by then, you will have translated the situation or problem into a manageable sentence or two, removed the emotional delivery and commentary and finally, asked for help on the basic problem, not on how to fix your whole life.

Men usually will not tell you every thought passing through their heads. They will usually sit together quietly making occasional observations about something happening around them, something in the news, something about an event they are attending together, or something that interested them. They will not describe or discuss it in detail, nor weigh out the pros and cons, via a long discussion.

On even important matters, they will usually tell another man about an event briefly, occasionally advising whether they favour an idea or not, and go back to being quiet again.

You can trust a man you are friends with. He will be punctual, reliable and honest. He will tell you the truth, because that uses the fewest words. If he likes and respects you as a person, he will always treat you kindly and gently, whatever maelstrom you may feel is effecting you. Not only that but most Men who are your friends are friends for life. I'd say many are worth their weight in gold...at least that is my experience with Men As Friends.

LET IT GO

In myself and others I have noticed that much of our emotions are expended on talking about something in the past that did not work out the way we had hoped. Whether it was a job or a relationship, the speaker's disappointment is almost palpable. Their face shows anger or upset, few smiles on this subject, that's for sure. The time past since the disappointment also is almost irrelevant. Just a few words and we are speaking of the event as though it happened yesterday.

Sadly, too many of us, have to make an effort to remind ourselves that we are talking about a past event. Most, if not all of the people involved, are usually no longer in our lives, and actually we have done many other things since the troubling event. In fact, sometimes we often become far more successful in work, and in our relationships, than we would have been had we continued what we wanted before, rather than what we actually ended up doing.

Why then do we still talk about the past event as if it just happened? Why do we feel the pain and frustration as if if were happening to us as we speak? I think it is because the critical event effected us deeply and profoundly and in fact, changed the course of our lives since that time.

What however, is this event from the past doing to our present life? Well, for one thing, we are, whether we realize it or not, reliving and experiencing some of the tension and emotions that the situation evoked in us before. Sadly, bringing it up again puts us back into the past, causes us to relive the situation, refreshes the memories of it and unfortunately gets us carrying it around, sometimes for days afterwards.

What can we do, we tell ourselves we were sad and hurt and angry...and guess what here we are again, months, sometimes years later, sad and hurt and angry. Meanwhile this past event, which has no place in our life today, might as well have happened today.

You are in a different place now, but unless you determine to reflect on the past and put it away, it will keep coming up, sometimes for years after the event.

Only by reflecting upon it, can we face up to the impact it had upon our lives. After we acknowledge this however, we need to look at our lives today, particularly about how much we have changed and grown since. We might also realize just how much more living and learning we have done.

Beyond this, appreciating what we have accomplished, what pitfalls we avoided after that painful event and all of the good we have in our lives now, will remind us that that event was in the past, and actually is without any current power or ability to effect us now, unless we choose to carry it around with us.

Let it go and you can finally let yourself be happy. You have the power to do this. When you acknowledge how far from the past you have moved, what you have learned, how you feel today and realize with relief and gratitude that this thing from your past, is just that, a thing from your past. Be grateful you have moved on and be happier for having put it away, realizing it is ancient history and you simply don't live there anymore.

HOW YOU COULD MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

In life, there are many enjoyable activities and things we can do when we make the time. Among the best of these are things in which we have a genuine interest.

Whether it is a long standing interest or something new you have decided to pursue, being genuinely interested increases the possibility that you will have a good time.

It also makes it possible for you to have a good time by yourself or others you meet who are also interested on the subject or event you are attending.

I have to admit that it is not easy to forget the past. However, despite that our experiences are what made us who we are today, there are some memories and experiences from the past which we are best to both forgive and forget. This is especially important if we want to move into the future unencumbered by a lot of baggage, including possibly a bad attitude which we are still carrying about some past event in our lives.

Without letting the past go, you tend to let memories of your (especially bad) experiences, influence how you behave toward new people you meet. It is only, I am convinced, when you teach yourself that, when you meet someone new, not to expect them, in either a good way or a bad way, to be like someone from your past. You must look at each person you meet, as an individual.

I have found that when you meet people in an open and friendly way, you are more likely to see them and what they say and do in a neutral or even positive way. You are relaxed and comfortable and usually ask and answer questions in a way that shows interest and curiosity about them and their ideas and opinions.

For some time after you meet a new person, you have an opportunity to see clearly what type of person you have met. Like yourself, generally they are not usually guarded or tense about talking with you either. Consequently, they tell you a lot about themselves, their likes and dislikes.

It is easy therefore, particularly in a group where you have mutual friends, to know something about what kind of person you have just met. You are able to decide if you actually like this person you have just met.

In fact, you might consider whether they are good friends to the people they are with and consider their friends, as well as, whether they might possibly be the kind of person you would like as a friend as well.

It doesn't hurt of course, if both of you are easy on the eyes of the other, but friendship and genuine interest, lets you figure out whether this person is, on any level the type of person you would want in your life, first as a friend, and even subliminally, as possibly something more in your life.

If the answer is yes, you like this person, what they have told you about themselves, how they treat their ‘friends’ and you would like to see more of them; you have begun to establish a relationship of friendship and possibly more with them.

As you begin to see each other more, together with friends, or alone with them, you will actually eventually know, if you let yourself trust your instincts, whether you could possibly see this person as more than a friend.

The hard part is that stage in between when you realize you have some warm feelings for this person, but don't know whether they are reciprocated. Someone has to speak first and the other respond positively for anything closer to develop between you.

Whether it is you or the other person, whoever put themselves forward is most vulnerable to rejection. Be aware of this.

If it is you, perhaps tell yourself, nothing ventured, nothing gained. However, if the other person suggests a closer relationship, whether you intend to accept the offer of greater closeness or not, be decent about it.

Consider that the other person took a big risk of hurt by declaring themselves before they were certain about how you would reciprocate. Therefore, do not leave them hanging but answer them as soon as you can about whether you are ready to continue the relationship or not.

This is the point I consider during which, a 'leap of faith' must occur, about whether you are willing to trust another person again. I know it is scary. I know your past experience, like near death, is flashing warning signs before your eyes, but sometimes you just have to ignore them, and take a chance on love.

When you are ready however, I believe you will know the answer. Actually, whether you are a Man or a Woman, I doubt anything will prevent you from taking a chance on the happiness that you hope may be possible for you.

Maybe you will have enjoyed the activity you had an interest in, met a new person or not. Perhaps you met a bunch of friends and their friend who was new to you. Maybe not.

In any case, by opening yourself up to meeting new people, you will possibly be doing more than just attending an event you were interested in, you are opening up the possibility of learning something new, meeting someone new and generally opening up your world to a wealth of new possibilities, including a new direction or future for yourself.

I may, of course, be wrong, but then again, I might be right...and stranger things have happened en route to your Destiny.

TEACH YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY

Most of us smile when we hear little children giggling and laughing. They seem to laugh with their whole bodies, from the tips of the toes to their foreheads and their arms are usually flying around like a conductor's baton at the sheer joy and music of their laughter. Adult laughter however, is much more restrained.

A few years ago, for a few months I helped out a friend in a place new to me, the modern trading office. The first change I noticed was that there was barely any sound in the room. No one spoke in a normal, and especially not in a loud voice. The television was tuned to BNN or some other business news channel but other than the sibilant earnestness that is the tone used to proclaim and declaim market changes, any natural laughter seemed to be inappropriate, as I soon found out, to my personal chagrin.

So even business is now conducted with silent respect and little extravagant emotions. What about what we consider appropriate behaviour on our own time? Sports allow noise, it proves you are enjoying yourself. Restaurants, not much sound there whether in conversation or real or pretended enjoyment. Transit, most people are playing computer games, reading text on their laptops or staring at posters. A lot of noise from metal on metal but anyone with a raised voice, is either looked at askance as a weirdo or we think that they must be school kids to be so oblivious to the rest of our quiet behaviour.

So where do we go to be happy? Our computers don't give us much contact with other people. There is obviously not much emotional, and of course, no physical contact at all. Blogging to strangers, making some new friends. Maybe if you are very lucky and those you communicate with are even sometimes telling the truth. There is no laughing together here though. Somehow an Emoticon does not chortle or even add sound to our lives.

Nevertheless, wherever you are and wherever you do go, you can ensure that you can be happy. Not only will you be happy, but you can make others who meet you happy too. All it starts with is a bit of reflection and some changes you can easily make to your behaviour.

I am convinced that you can turn every frown upside down if you try. I am also convinced that you will become a different person if you do. No longer will everything around you seem doomed to disappoint, your ennui will no longer be what is noteworthy about you. Your smile, however, might become your most memorable feature. The question is can you actually handle being happy? Only you can decide if you are willing to turn your life around.

When you are ready, take a small step forward, then go for it. To begin, take a small measure of reflection to see how far you have come. The mistakes you made are part of your life, yes, but so are a lot of important milestones that you have passed as you grew into the accomplished and confident person that you became. You are no longer constrained or answerable to many people. You may however, shackled yourself to a negative view of your life and neglect to remind yourself of how much you have accomplished, accumulated and lived through.

Life became a miracle to me when I realized that not only was I alive and well and generally living a pretty happy life, but it was still ongoing. It actually was going on around me, with or without my cooperation or participation. I then realized I could make a choice to be part of the life around me or sit on the sidelines indefinitely.

Loss of an important person in your life, leaves a large hole, make no mistake. Illness that is overcome, lets you sit on the sidelines longer than you may actually need to. Other setbacks can become a permanent part of your lifestyle if you choose to put them in front of you and keep your anger, frustration, disappointments and bitterness about some past event polished and brought out on each and every occasion, rather than set down in it's proper place in the past.

Sure you had some setbacks, losses, disappointments and sometimes probably actually had some heartaches and heartbreaks. You also had some very wonderful people and experiences along your journey so far.

When you think of your life in balance, and you let yourself appreciate and celebrate, you can see that most of us have already experienced more than we ever dreamed we might. Not only could we not have predicted where the turns in the road of our journey might take us, but the wonder of it all, was for all the times there were sorrows, there were also hundreds of other happy, even blissful times.

The miracle of life is something to be celebrated, anticipated with optimism and gratitude for all we have been given, all we have learned and earned.

Beyond this, we might yet, if we are lucky, teach ourselves not only to SMILE again and be happy, as addictive and contagious as this is; we might also learn to be childlike somewhere along the way. That's when we will know we have made real progress in the quality of our lives.

BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN...

Most of us have heard the expression, Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Some of us, doubted this, since we well remembered the sting of being disappointed in someone in the past, after having freely given them our hearts.

For some of us, that awful past experience makes us wonder whether we can protect ourselves from ever having to experience that kind of pain again. We wonder whether, we might be better off, protecting ourselves by never again leaving ourselves vulnerable to another person.

Last month someone in my Google circle wrote that they don't want to be hurt again and so they will never let themselves be in love again. Someone else wrote that if the person in their lives was planning to leave, then they should not come into their life in the first place.

What I would say to both of these people, NEWSFLASH, Love like Life, does not come with guarantees, about anything, let alone something as important as Love.

Meanwhile back in the real world, most of us are usually too busy, especially during the working day, to think about what love might mean in our lives. We suspect, and perhaps even secretly fear, that it might just make life complicated, actually too complicated. We tell ourselves and others also, that we have enough problems to deal with every day already and Love for another person might just be one too many.

So if we are alone, claiming that we are strong, self sufficient, and are doing just fine on our own 'Thank you very much', we go home and cook. or likely make some sort of makeshift 'dinner', for one.

While eating it, often in front of the television, we wonder why there are no decent Men or Women out there. You and all of the Men/Women you know seem to be both decent and are not finding a partner either.

You tell yourself, you aren't asking for perfection after all, just some decent human being. Why then is this thing called Love so elusive?

I remember someone saying that when you least expect it, Love happens. When you are not looking, Love happens, and most mysterious of all, when you are ready Love will come to you.

Until it happened to me, my answer to any of these -- least expect it, not looking and being ready -- was to say, Yeah sure thing, I won't hold my breath.

However, one thing I know happens when you think you might have a chance to love someone you have met is to prevent yourself from 'shooting yourself in the foot' and ensuring that you won't get closer to the new person.

I think, if I were to give one piece of advice to a potential couple is that you must not expect them, in either a good way or a bad way, to be like someone from your past. Not only was your past unsuccessful, but you don't live there any more.

You must therefore, look at each person you meet, and not just someone you might hope to have a relationship with, as an individual.

When you meet people in an open and friendly way, you are more likely to see the positive about them and what they say and do. You are relaxed and comfortable and usually ask and answer questions in a way that shows interest and curiosity about them and their ideas and opinions.

You sense whether this is a person you would like to get to know more about and whether there might be a place in your life for them. If the answer is yes and you begin to spend more time together, I believe you will actually know, if you let yourself trust your instincts, whether you could possibly see this person as more than a friend.

Sometimes you just have to take a 'leap of faith' and try to trust again that this time things might be different. I know it is scary. I know your past experience, like near death, is flashing warning signs before your eyes, but sometimes you just have to ignore them, and take a chance on love.

When you are ready however, I believe you will know the answer. In fact, that triumph of Optimism over Past Experience will happen relatively painlessly. Actually, whether you are a Man or a Woman, I doubt anything will prevent you from taking a chance on the happiness that might just be possible for you with this person.

I may, of course, be wrong, but then again, I might be right...and stranger things have happened en route to your Destiny.


Also published on Word Press in April 2014

6 MONTHS, 1 WEEK, 1 DAY

I suspect that many of us do not wake up and feel beautiful from the minute we leap out of bed, eager and ready to face the wonderful day ahead of us. Some of us in fact, throw off the covers when the snooze alarm tells us there is no more time for 15 more minutes of sleep and that we will be late if we don't get moving immediately. Not a propitious start.

Think in contrast, about how children greet the day. They catapult out of bed and sometimes race to yours to get you to join them in greeting the new day. They are full of boisterous excitement and energy. You meanwhile, sit up, rub your eyes and stand up trying to figure out why and how morning has already arrived. Some of us, without that first cup of Coffee, are likely to be somewhat cross-eyed and surly.

Meanwhile, with or without our co-operation or appreciation, another beautiful day awaits our consciousness of it. If you think about it, life being the strange and wonderful thing that this is, this could turn out to be the best day of your life.

One thing is certain. This is the first day of the rest of your life. The best part is already present the minute you wake up...you woke up.

NOW WAKE UP! I mean it, WAKE UP! Time for you, me and the rest of us to stop taking most days for granted. Time for us to really wake up and really look at the new day that awaits us.

Many days the sun greets us, but even when it doesn't lift our spirits by shining at and upon us, we can still begin our day by appreciating we are alive. However, I suspect, many of us, including myself don't do this with any consciousness.

How did we get away from the exuberant expectation that today is going to be a great day and that we are living a great life and are happy to be alive? When and why did life stop being a source of discovery and wonder? When did we stop celebrating the beauty of life and our existence and instead became this sluggish creature dragging itself out of bed...and moaning and groaning as we do it?

I'd say that the day we began to take life for granted, as one day inexorably followed another, that we lost our way. I say we lost our way, because we forgot what a gift each day is.

At this very moment in time, around us and throughout the world, possibly millions of people are experiencing their last day on earth. Many, if not most of these, are silently begging for one more day to remember and enjoy the many wonderful things they have known and lived and experienced. Suddenly each second is a precious gift because they know it will soon be gone. Each moment that is passing is ending the only experiences and the only Life they have consciously known and lived and like the rest of probably often taken for granted.

Many times, someone asks other people what they would do if they had 6 months to live. I'd ask this of myself deliberately if I stopped to think about it at all. But really think now, What if this were your last 6 months, or last week or last day of life?

For some people, being given notice of a specific or predicted period of life, such as 6 months, might let you plan some grand farewell full of the best things life has to offer.

One week, truncates our plans a bit; we could still fly off to one of the places you always dreamed of seeing and hope we've made the best decision to use the remaining time we had completely blissful and happy.

One day left however, positively places us within the life we are living and most likely, keeps us in the place we are living in now.

One day left: A prospect not as inspiring perhaps as jetting around the world with the Bucket List in hand and really going for all the dreams we haven't realized before, because now we know time is running out. But there it is, you are on your last day. What would you do with it, if you knew this beforehand?

Each of us will have a different answer for the 6 month scenario, the 1 week one, but the 1 day is a real puzzler.

Meanwhile, for better or worse, Life doesn't come with a warning that today is your last day. What I am putting out there, for myself and you is, if you or I, knew it was our last day, what would we be doing differently? I conclude by asking, Why aren't we living as would want to now? What's your excuse? What's Mine?

Also published on Word Press April 2014

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?

Not many smiles out there today. It's raining but not in a teeming, soaking way but even though it's Friday, I'm not seeing any smiling out there on the street.

Why I wonder are so many people looking morose and unhappy? I feel like asking them What's your problem?

People tell you a lot about themselves even without speaking. The way they dress, they way they carry themselves, where they sit when they choose a chair among several that are available, whether they make eye contact with others in the room and a myriad of other clues they transmit through their demeanor.

I find though that when people speak to each other, a whole interesting new world opens up to you as you meet this new person. I find people surprisingly forthcoming and generally pretty friendly. Sometimes you are both waiting for service or your turn in line or in an office. You might start a conversation just to pass the time, but often before long you learn a lot about the other person and they about you.

Today I was waiting for a medical appointment and spoke to a woman next to me who had wisely brought a book to read, whereas I had not. She had 6 tests recently and was patient and fairly calm and composed that she was having her symptoms investigated thoroughly. I later listened to two women both on their laptops discussing what seemed to be some questions from a philosophy course.

A little later, in the hour before I would be seen, I met a man and his wife who had recently left their jobs, moved from larger premises and had careers in technology and stock brokers. It turned out that the man and I had worked for one of the same firms years before. He wanted to write and had published a newsletter in the past, so might actually write again. At 24 he had a serious traffic accident where the car rolled over and over and it seems also off of an overpass. Now 40 years later, here we both were, still living.

There was of course, more interaction between the man, his wife and myself in the time we waited for our appointments but, as you can see above, several subjects were discussed in the course of our conversation together.

I have been thinking today, about what kind of life we would choose, were we to know how long we had left. When the man was 24, the accident seemed to have been a pretty horrific one, yet here he was 40 years later. His father meanwhile, lived till 84 and like so many people that enjoyed a longer life, smoke and drank and seemed to have lived a better life than many people I know.

Despite a stroke, he seemed to be doing well, his wife obviously loved and cared for him and both seemed to be happy together and about life in general. Like so many of us, life was changing and they were changing with it.

I am now determined that whatever problem I may think I have, obviously visible or not, I can decide that I, at least, will use my day better than I might have. Like you, I don't know how much more time I have to waste, not being as happy as I know I can be. I say this because I have decided that even if I am the only one I may see some days with a smile on my face, I will have been happier for one day more of my life than I would otherwise have been, had I not decided to consciously do something about making my life better...now.

Also published on Word Press April 2014

NOT WANTED ON THE VOYAGE

Several years ago I noticed a book called Not Wanted on the Voyage by Canadian Author Timothy Findlay. I found the title interesting and at some point discovered it was a term used for trunks and baggage to be stowed away in a ship's storage area until a passenger reached their destination since they did not need them while travelling.

I have been thinking about life and the journey we are all on. I have found that various small nuisances and unexpected expenses can often throw your routine and schedule right out the window. In terms of nuisances, having to rush back home because it is pouring rain and you are without an umbrella, definitely qualifies. This can often lead you to need to rush to avoid being late for your appointment. Tax time, sometimes requires additional funds to be paid before the April 30th deadline. Perhaps, though, receiving your home insurance bill and an annual doctor's service charge bill at the same time, were neither expected nor welcome. Suddenly $1,000 needs to be found somewhere, above and beyond the tax costs you anticipated.

But life, is only somewhat effected by money, although far too many arguments in life are about money. The way we treat each other, the people we have around us to support and encourage us and those we know care about us, can often be the people who help us to use our good judgement and sense of perspective when life throws us a financial or emotional curve ball. To me, they are far more important than the latest trinket I threw money away on.

What do we need on our voyage through life? The above mentioned friends, family and others who care about us are really important. Having some money, enough for food, shelter and some of the things beyond this which we are convinced we want. Some calm place to live which we feel is home and a haven at times when the noisy, interfering world is just a bit too much to put up with. Reasonably good health is pretty important, without it we can't function as well as we would like and may also have mobility problems and pain to somehow endure and overcome.

What don't we need? We don't need people who ask a lot and give nothing. We don't need bitter, unkind and unreasonable people. I was only partly kidding when I used to tell people that a good rule in life is not to sleep with people crazier than yourself. Now I would not joke about such a thing and take 'craziness' as far more serious than I did earlier in life.

What I am trying to say is, reflect occasionally about what you need as opposed to what you want, or think you want. You will find that you instinctively understand when a situation is not right for you. Sometimes, however, you will still take a chance and try something new deliberately to challenge yourself a bit. However, there will also be times when your experience in life will have taught you that there are some things and some people that you definitely can say are 'not wanted on the voyage'. Just as many of us could not travel with various people we know, so also in life is easier to have a friend accompany you on your journey. Travel with those which you both want and need to have by your side.

March 20, 2014

LIFE IS A BANQUET

The actress Rosalind Russell starred in many movies during her long career. She also wrote a biography titled: Life is a Banquet. 

In the original 1958 movie 'Mame', a character says that Auntie Mame says "Life is a Banquet but most poor Bastards are starving to death". 

I think this is a great perspective to have about life and most of the time now, somewhat to my surprise, I find it easier than I ever have to feel this way about life in general.

However, in mid to late winter, when the Northern Hemisphere is being smacked down by one of the worst Winters in decades, I among those loaded down with grim, pinched faces at the moment. We are dragging ourselves through the February blahs. 

The winter has been with us long enough to be past any pleasure that first snow fall (now a distant memory) may have brought out in us. 

A White Christmas, Pooh. Whatever made that seem a nice idea? All too white this Christmas. For many, without heat or power too.

However, whatever you feel on yet another snowy winter's day, soon life will take us into another day and another week and another season. Another turn of the wheel of life. 

The passage of time brings with it a lifetime of various experiences. Even as winter gave us snow today, and I was really late for a medical specialist's appointment and needed to spend $20 for a taxi; as I stood waiting, I was outside, and not cold at all.

Better still, unlike the domino effect, of starting late and appointment after appointment going wrong and being late all day for all of them; being late from the first made me late for the second, BUT, the rest of the day went well.

I think so much of living, especially when times are trying and the very world seems to not make sense, is going to depend more and more on our personal perspective and view of our lives. I am convinced that letting our priorities and perspective quickly reassert themselves, will keep us on an even keel whatever is going on around us.

Maybe sometimes, we are going to need to 'fake it till you make it' and take a deep breath and put on a cheerful face until we feel better. However, I think it is the easiest way to feel that our lives are moving in the right direction. 

Nevertheless, in the immediate future, I am beginning to think that now more than ever, 'We can use a little Christmas, now' (a phrase and song from the Mame movie). The spirit that, that time of year seems to bring out in so many of us, might be just the thing to evoke and remember now and use to pull us along. 

Until the weather decides we can put our winter garments and mid February blahs, away for another year, we may have to give our attitude a little positive pushup. 

The good thing is there are fewer than 5 weeks till spring plus a few more days of the Winter Olympics to justify and experience in the warm indoors.

IMPORTANT DAYS OF THE YEAR

Recently we celebrated and experienced Valentine's Day again. Whether we see Valentine's Day as a great day or we experience it in one of the ways the VALENTINE'S DAY movie did, with many different good and bad experiences; Valentine's Day has come to mean something to each of us as a yearly rite of passage.

Since I am someone who has had good and not so great Valentine's Days, whether involved with someone or not, I also understand the other movie, I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY.

Life, I find is a mixture of good and bad, happy and sad, highs and lows. Generally the idea of a 'Ying' matching up opposite every 'Yang' in life, seems somehow fitting. How else would we understand the differences in life without the opposite.

The events in the year that mark it's passage include some days important to us personally. For many of us New Year's Day and our Birthday are pretty important. Other holidays, especially Civic holidays such as Memorial or Labour Days mean a holiday from work for most of us, but are not personally significant.

What makes the landmark days important though are the yearly appearance throughout our lives and the way they bookmark our lives. I am glad they exist.

Whether some years, an event was a good one or another year, terribly sad for me personally, I am glad I can remember many, many of them and reflect on my life then. I think sometimes of the many people who I met and knew, as well as, people I met and still know. Best of all, I feel happy that I have more of these days to look forward to making new memories on.

WISHING YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE AND REMEMBER MANY, MANY MORE MEMORIES, as well as, many years to reflect upon.