INITIAL THOUGHTS

INTRODUCING MYSELF - OCTOBER 15TH, 2011

One thing I've learned over the years is, taking a break from taking myself so seriously, works wonders.

Every once in a while, after a great bout of angst and high drama (either from those around me or of my own creation), I take a look in the mirror (usually at 3 a.m.) and laugh at the silliness of it all.

The large issues in life come up and we prepare for them. 'The Small Stuff' however, is much more likely to sneak up on you both unexpectedly and usually very inconveniently.

Strangely enough, it is this 'small stuff' which makes each day different from the one before, by making it varied and interesting. It can also help to revive our hopes and expectations and makes it easier to believe, as I now do, that the next miracle might be just around the next corner.

As I get older and let fewer things/people actively bother me, I have, somehow, to my surprise, become more optimistic about life. I know who I am and realize I don't need to be told who that is.

I have also learned that having some company and input from others is also good, to make it possible to see beyond my own line of sight, and keep my ideas from becoming limited to my own limitations.

Anyway, I think that there is only so much 'gnashing of teeth' and 'rending of raiment' and other highly dramatic self indulgence that is sensible, before we need to dust ourselves off and get on with 'real life'.

Having survived two kinds of cancers, which were treated aggressively to destroy them, I know I am lucky. People often laugh when I tell them to be hopeful, that 'its 11 years for me and here I am still talking crap'. Lucky yes, but also appreciative at having been given so much.

The loss of my beloved husband, was monumental and catacysmic. But, the incredible memories are always with me in my thoughts and in my heart. Any wistfulness concerns a partnership that was a real 'friends with benefits', both passionate and a 'mutual admiration society'. The shared intellectual coherence is among the things which I miss most.

Nevertheless, when I get up in the morning, there is happiness in knowing that there is light and sun and life going on around me.

To appreciate life, requires only that you take the first step and choose to participate in the world around you.

One of the many 'miracles' that reminded me that life among the living was a beautiful thing was to find how easily my 'wish list' was realized. It required however, that I make a leap of faith and buy the airplane tickets. To do this I had to leave behind 20 years indulging/being paralyzed by, a fear of flying.

This was one of the first of many steps that I took to move back into actively living. This is something within our power in time. It requires us to choose to replace brooding, inertia, dramatic self indulgence, and begin again to look beyond ourselves.

There really is a time for every purpose and some parts of moving toward the next purpose we have is looking around you again.

It is also important to acknowledge and appreciate the blessings we have been given.
It can also be constructive to think again of giving something back to others. Nothing takes you out of introspection better than looking outward beyond ourselves.

People helped me with so many of the initial steps I took to return to life. We visited with each other, saw films, broke bread together, laughed and sometimes cried together.

Beyond this, I needed to take some actions independently to put a first foot forward, in the direction of the future. Once I did this, much happiness was within my grasp.

Travel really does broaden one's perspective and, like so many others, it did for me. Travelling independently again for the first time in so many years, I ate my first Basque Ham, was treated to both yellow and green Izzara liqueurs, was given a taste of foie gras in a French specialty food shop, and extra Sorbet by a very famous restaurant on the Champs Elysee's. I sublimely escaped the 40 degree centigrade heat in the cellar tour of Moet et Chandon and marvelled at the 'spirit' of Dom Perignon's village church.

In short, a world awaited my steps into it. Much more fell into place, once I let go a bit of the past.

By the way, touring Windsor Castle, Oxford, Cambridge, Buckingham Palace, the Yacht Britannia, the Musee D'Orsay, the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower, weren't bad either.

Perhaps, poignantly, best of all, among all the places I had heard about during my life and put on my 'Bucket/Wish List', were the places where my husband went to school and grew up. Once more an entire 'world' was about to open before me.

Life to me is so full of miracles, just around the next corner, the biggest perhaps being that it isn't over yet.

More later.

Emme