MAKING LOVE LAST

As some of you know, I was very happily Married and experienced the joys of 24 hour days with someone who I considered part of a personal ‘mutual admiration society’; ‘my baby and me’ (as another older song says).

Early on, we were fortunate to see a t.v. program where couples married 50 years said why they thought their marriages had survived. The one the struck us the most was the couple who said only two words: GOOD MANNERS.

Good Manners are helpful in life, nice to experience, and I am convinced, make life easier and better. In a Marriage however, they are absolutely essential.

When you are sharing your life with another person, intimately and constantly, a time will come, when only good manners will save you from yourself.

Remember to appreciate, and not take for granted, what is given to you freely and with Love. Thank you is something we don’t say often enough anyway, but in Marriage, it acknowledges the great gift you have the privilege of receiving.

Sometimes an apology, though difficult to choke down, is even more necessary with someone you are especially close to. Even the most perfect, whoever that is, no doubt make mistakes sometime and need to own up to it. The rest of us, mere mortals, probably need to do it even more often.

All the discussion in the world is rubbish if you don’t follow up and keep your promises. What you do is a lot more important than what you say.

Regardless of your eloquence, thinking it is ‘Easier to ask Forgiveness than Permission’  implies that you do not trust the other person or other people in your life with the facts about what you really want and need to do to be happy.

This begs the question about why you are in a situation like this in the first place. It also tells you all you need to know about the difference between what you have and what you want.

Own up to what you want and need in life. Even if this is ‘terra incognita’, and completely new ground for you, you may find that the other person also is making (too many?) adjustments of their own to make the relationship work. Surprisingly they may have some dreams of their own they would like to fulfil in their lives.

When you both know you can count on each other and trust each other to ‘have your back’ and support, your life suddenly becomes easier. When you share mutual goals and both of you are committed to each other’s happiness, you will find that you suddenly are part of a mutually happy relationship. You will be happier and more satisfied than you thought you ever could be and can go on working on other personal goals in life, instead of the problems of the relationship.

Because you love and respect the other person, show them at least, if not more, courtesy and consideration than you do the strangers you meet every day. Appreciate and acknowledge the special gift they are in your life.

I know how hard it is to be without a partner when you have had an outstanding one in your life. Just as you did not have reliable friends arrive on your doorstep one morning and decide to accompany you in life forever,  you did not have a partner like this automatically.  

Some openness, cooperation, learning about each other and living together was required to complement the good will and attraction you felt for this unique and special person. In a way you are establishing the foundation and structural basis of your relationship. 

Although I won't go into it here, I also believe every relationship has a structure and agreement in place about what you have agreed you want and need from each other. It is a very good idea to indicate what you expect, and will accept, to prevent misunderstanding.

Finally realize that you deserve both the friends and the partner you have in life. When you cherish and appreciate people, you become the kind of person who deserves the good things and good people who came into your life and stayed.

Pause and reflect on this. Appreciate and acknowledge the good fortune you have earned together and now can enjoy and celebrate. If you want to continue to have it, live a life that deserves the trust and respect and love that you want and need in life.

P.S. As many of you know I am a committed believer in a VERY LIMITED USE of HOW TO or SELF-HELP books; however, regarding relationships, I especially like: 

Patricia Love and Steven Stosny’s book : how to improve your marriage without talking about it 

AND possibly, 

Bonnie Jacobsen and Alexia Paul’s book – choose to be happily married (How Everyday Decisions Can Lead to Lasting Love)