FINALLY FINISH WITH THE PAST

To anyone familiar with the frustrating saga which periodically impinges on the rest of my life, you will already know that the EXCESS BAGGAGE that I was carrying around in my life, this autumn finally got too heavy to carry around any longer.

When I wrote KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE, FRIENDS I THINK NOT, I was thinking about what all of us have been through at one time or another when a dead end relationship seems to drag on and on and never really leaves us free to go on with our lives unhampered.

When you don’t have fits and tantrums or even a good reason to have them, you tend to have a lot of people who are sort of hovering around the margins of your life.

Every once in a while you encounter them again, or they see you at an event or email you or call you. The latter, a phone call is the worst, because you, by picking up the phone, are inviting them into your day. At best, they are saying hello and asking how you are; more often and worse is when they need somebody to discuss and dissect their lives with. Kiss an hour (and sometimes more, if you are polite) goodbye.

You have some sort of a conversation with them. Because you really don’t want to hear from them, they do most of the talking. This is a novelty for you (and probably for them). You are not giving them grief or negative comments or arguing with them. You are actually not saying much at all.

This makes a pleasant change, so they feel all warm and fuzzy that you were there when they needed a shoulder to cry on and/or an ear to talk into. Guess what? You have just become their buddy and are so understanding.

Guess what? Next time, when they have work or relationship problems again, they will pick up and contact you again…and again…and forever, if you let them. Eventually 4½ years after you said, what you hoped was a final, Goodbye to them, they will be calling you again. Any excuse will do.

However, an evening after a holiday is ideal because the call will catch you off your guard, as it was intended to.

When the call FINALLY ENDS, you will find it hard to go back to what you were doing and feel good about the day again, but it is all shot to hell. All you can think of is WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID…but did not. You wished you had begun, or certainly ended the unwelcome call with GOODBYE forever.

Now your night and maybe several days after are consumed by anger at yourself that you did not (when this perfect opportunity presented itself) finally put an end to this pathetic non relationship. Now the past baggage is back in the present and in your face, littering up your life again.

This cannot go on, you tell yourself. This should never have happened again. You determine that you will make sure next time, should you get caught off guard again, that you will say Goodbye for good.

Amazingly, the call comes, not on a holiday but in the middle of a week. Again you think it may be a family member and again it is not. Instead it is your long ago ex. Again it is on the phone not by email (which could be ignored and filed away; and usually quickly forgotten).

Finally, after letting him go on about his life and it’s details, you quietly say that ‘It’s time for us to say Goodbye. I wish you all the best in your life’.

You are glad you finally said it, your friends are glad you finally said it, your family is glad you finally said it. Anyone who knows you, and unfortunately also knows about this situation, is glad you finally said it. You are proud of yourself, and you should be. They are proud of you too and tell you so.

Now, what’s left. Yes, ‘fraid so, there is something left. One more phone call is coming your way. I almost guarantee it. I am so sure of this, that I could put a bet down on it and know I will win 99 times out of a 100.

The call, like all the others, will be after a bit of time has passed. This is to catch you off guard and let you resume your life, and give you a false sense of security that you have finally concluded that chapter of your life for good. 

You are very happy you have finally done what you should have done before and are justifiably proud of yourself. You feel you are finally free and clear and moving on…NOT SO FAST.

You must be ready for whenever it comes. It will begin as though nothing in the world is wrong and he is just keeping in touch and wondered how you were. In your mind, you have said a final goodbye. In his, you just had to go and said goodbye to end the phone call. You had to go.

This is when you Cut the Crap. You must stop ‘pussy footing around’ and belatedly take a firm stand. Once and for all you must prepare yourself so that there is no question that this is the end, finis, kaput, done. 

Whatever you remember that you thought was good with this person, was a long time ago. It has not been good for a long time now. If you don’t, this nonsense will go on forever. You will never have your life back or move on to the future unencumbered.

DROP THE BAGGAGE finally, once and for all. This time do not either start a conversation or let him do so. Tell him, in clear and simple English (in your own words) that ‘It is time for us to say Goodbye for good. I wish you the best. I believe I told you this the last time. I have to go now. Please don’t call me again’. Say Goodbye, and hang up.

This is the only way to finish. No more conversations. If he calls again, you must hang up, with or without repeating the above statement. For you hopefully it will be the last time you hear from him. 

Maybe next time you will finish a relationship you need to finish, with someone else, by finishing the relationship.

Experience will have taught you that letting old business drag on is not harmless, not at all. It is instead, HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH, well being and future to be weighed down by reminders of past failures. 

To go ahead, you need to drop the Baggage and walk on unencumbered. If it takes a second statement to show you were serious, it is a small price to pay to FINALLY FINISH with the past and move on.