CONNECTING TO LIFE'S PASSAGES

Most of us, given the choice, would probably prefer to have lives with enough variety in them to make them interesting, but not so full of unexpected events that our lives are full of confusion and unpredictability. 

Life at various points requires that we do a variety of things as members of a family, community and of society. Although, the expectations of our society prevent untrammelled freedom on our part, they provide most of us with a place in the society around us and some degree of personal satisfaction.

In the course of our lives each of us will play various roles. We might at some point be a student, employee, friend, partner or a parent. Many of these steps are a passage, out from one stage in our lives into another. Each requires some flexibility and adaptation to the requirements and obligations we have taken on. 

For example, we go to school and get an education usually while most of us are living with families that accept us and care for us. The student who does not study, likely will not pass their courses. They might also be unable to develop the knowledge or skills they require to do something they would like to do.

Later most of us must find a job so that we can support ourselves. The employee who can't or won't do their job, usually disappoints others who are depending upon them. They will eventually be asked to leave.

Most of us use some of our time to mingle with and meet other people. Eventually we develop a circle of friends with interests similar to our own. If you want friends, you must be prepared to be a friend and share your time and energy with other people.

Some of us find partners. If you want a partner, you will most likely have to show some flexibility towards each other so that both of you can meet your personal wants and needs and your goals together as a couple.

Many people raise a family of their own. To raise children, cooperation with a partner is necessary, as is an understanding that you have someone dependent upon you to take care of them.

Whatever the stage of our lives and the obligations it involves, having a realistic understanding of what is expected of us and knowing what we hope to achieve as a result of our efforts, helps us to be successful at whatever we do.

Satisfaction and success come from finding something that you like, using the innate abilities you have, the skills you have acquired through education and/or practical experience, and doing something that you like well.

This is the way that each stage of our lives can be both interesting and have enough variety to give us both some challenges and some satisfaction.

ROUTINE MATTERS!

Our routine, and all of us have one, helps to keep our days manageable and enables us to get certain basic chores done in a regular and timely way.

Without a routine, however haphazard it might be, we would be chronically late and always in a hurry to make up for the things we have forgotten which needed to be done each day.

A regular routine, which we perform almost automatically, enables us to deal with most of our regular and repetitive chores and obligations, and saves us tremendous amounts of time and energy.

Many busy people seem to be organized and efficient people. Some seem to be able to get so much done in a day that they leave the rest of us far behind as they quickly pass by us.

Most of the rest of us muddle along and somehow manage to get most of the things we need to done by the end of the day. The routine we have established can carry us through many years fairly well. 

Perhaps just a small thing in our lives, but one which helps us function, get things done and benefits us more than we ever consider.

DECOMPRESS YOUR STRESS

Each of us inevitably experience times when we seem to have too many things to do and not enough time to do them.

When we are overloaded by our obligations often our stress level rises as well. Sometimes we may even feel as if we are ready to explode from the tension.

As if we're not stressed enough those around us start urging us to sit down, to relax, to lighten up, to take it easy and especially to count to 10. They may sense that we are really wound up, but usually what they say only makes us more tense.

Understanding that everyone will have this sometime, can let us anticipate and plan for the next time we feel we have too much to do, in too little time. 

I think that we can easily take some steps to help ourselves better cope before the next unanticipated 
event, overloads our daily obligations.

I suggest therefore, that each of us take time occasionally, to consider what we need and want in our lives. This will allow us to remind ourselves of what is important in our lives as well as, focus on our personal goals at the same time. 

I think we should do this, not just when a crisis occurs, or on important days in our year, such as New Year's and our Birthday, but perhaps once each month or season. 

By reminding ourselves what we need and want in our lives, we will, I am convinced, cope better with the unexpected events that come up in the course of our day and quickly refocus on what is most important to us. 

KNOWING WHEN TO MOVE ON

Almost worse than a bad relationship itself is the length of time the recovery takes. This however, is the price of Compromise. This is the real cost of letting a situation that is not right for you to continue in your life. 

Whether we let something continue because we are afraid of being alone or whether we try to not hurt someone else's feelings, we merely postpone the inevitable end of a relationship.

Whether it is two days or two years, when you know something will not work out, letting it drag on doesn't help either of you to move on to someone either of you is better suited to. Better than being alone? NO, it's not! 

By the time there is nothing left but recriminations and resentment, there is no point in discussing what you feel, or think about why it didn't work out. For me, there was nothing left to say except "Try and be a better human being", as if he cared.  

Mostly however, there is only anger at yourself because no one else is to blame for letting the situation drag on long past it's stale date.  

Meanwhile, how can you expect to meet someone more suitable when your time and energy are still devoted to a person, who will never be able to give you what you either want, or need, to be happy?

What sort of person would accept you when you are not available for a relationship? 

Might anyone new actually want to hang around you while you breakup, rebound and resolve your issues?

A Compromise is far too expensive emotionally, and at the very least, delays any possibility of happiness with someone better, for either of you. 

Do yourself, and the other person a favour. Wish each other 'Better Luck Next Time' and move on as soon as you know.



NOTE: KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE - FRIENDS I THINK NOT (May 2013) and GOODBYE AGAIN - FOREVER I HOPE (August 2013).
Both of these essays were also about past relationships & discussing the tsunami effects of a toxic relationship. 

  

GIVING/GETTING THE LOVE YOU DESERVE

Because I lived so much of my life without a real partner, the miracle of finding one was something, I like to think, came into my life at a time when I was able to appreciate it. 

Whether we truly only appreciate something after it is gone is one of the monumental questions in life, however, smarter people than I have said, "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I think they are right.

My loss is a permanent one to my life, in that it involved Widowhood. Your loss may be for other reasons such as separation or divorce. 

For others, never having found satisfaction and happiness with other people, a sense of something missing has become something they have lived with all of their lives. It is possibly not a loss, but a lack that they have to live with. 

I remember thinking that I was destined to be a nice aunt to my nieces and nephews. I would always be the 'good guy' because I was someone they would see on holidays and at times when presents were coming to them.

Little did I know then that, shortly after, my life was about to change forever and give me what I lacked and needed so much in my live. Love.

To get love, you must give love. To give love, you must be open and receptive to it. 

You make yourself open by giving and sharing of yourself with others by giving them your time and attention.

I am convinced that only after you learn to give love, selflessly and freely to those around you, that you will receive it back. 

Love is the unexpected miracle which life offers us when we are ready for it. When we give freely, we unexpectedly are given the best gift of all in return, love.

THINGS DON'T MATTER, PEOPLE DO

What do any of us really need in life? Do I really need another leather handbag, another pair of shoes, another computer or camera or even another book?

There are times when I look at all of the THINGS around me and wonder if any of it makes sense. Why fill your life with things? I'd say it's when you don't have people who matter, that's when you need to fill the gaps with things.

I can't help but wonder whether we would be freer if we could pare down the things and start to actually use what we have, instead of buying more. 

Meanwhile, I know that most of us look at what we already have in passing, often still telling ourselves that some day we will use some of it.

Having just given away another blender, food processor and mixer system (that sat unused for more than a year) I realize that yet one more thing I never needed was not going to replace what I did...someone to eat the food that I was intending to create.

Someone, but not just anyone. Not just a body seated at the table, but someone who cared for me even though they knew and understood me.

All the 'stuff' I could possibly buy was not going to matter, if I wasn't able to share it with a friend.

Right now, I think, that the time and the meals shared with people we care about are more important than almost anything else we do. 

Things don't matter, people do. Things won't give you love, people will. Something to remember as we look at what's really important in life.

Take some time today, if you haven't already over THANKSGIVING, to appreciate the people you have in your life who care about you. If you haven't told them, do it now, not tomorrow or someday. 

Time flies, people leave our lives, but making a conscious decision to recognize and acknowledge our blessings; in person, possibly also in words and especially, through our actions; ensures that today will be a good day and, that tomorrow will be even better.

WHAT WE NEED

I am beginning to reflect more and more on what unites us as human beings. The more I think about it, the more I look at our basic needs as humans as part of the human condition and universal.

Food and shelter, nourishment and protection from the elements and capricious nature certainly, but beyond this, the need we as humans have to be among others of our species and why we so easily and usually cluster and congregate in cities.

Man as a social being, with needs for companionship, camaraderie, recognition, acceptance and love is something each of us seems to viscerally need to satisfy.

What I hope to think about is how we get to the point where we seek and find the most important need, and that is to love...ourselves.

I am convinced that we learn to love ourselves, and when we do, we also learn to be happy - with ourselves, with others around us, with the world at large and with life.

BANISHING SELF DOUBT

Sometimes I think the greatest gift we can receive is the gift of Self Esteem. Particularly today, when young people are increasing finding life hopeless, and younger and younger women, in particular, seem to be dissatisfied with how they look; self confidence seems to be something we are lacking.

When I was fairly young, I remember being highly dissatisfied with myself and self conscious. I even thought that people might be looking at me negatively. I made the mistake, I thought at the time, of telling someone I knew. What she said to me, shocked me completely. 

She said that she had never met anyone so CONCEITED in her life. Conceited was the very last thing I considered myself to be. I considered myself the very opposite in fact. However, what she said I never forgot.

"For you to think that everyone, everywhere is looking at you, is the most conceited thing I have ever heard".

In fact, I tend to think that hardly anyone is looking at us among the millions, actually billions of people in the world. Each of them has their own concerns, interests, obligations and life to live. 

Most people probably have enough on their minds, without spending valuable time, thinking about the stranger walking by them on the street.

You are one of several billion people. Each of us is living in their own world. That world revolves around them/us only in our own minds. Meanwhile, with or without us, the rest of the world continues.

Self consciousness therefore is a solitary pursuit and like so much self centered behaviour is not productive or beneficial to ourselves, or anyone else. 

Self consciousness makes us focus inward rather than outward, to where we might learn something new. Looking outward can prevent us from insulating ourselves and creating a repetitive cycle of self absorption which benefits no one...least of all ourselves.

There is a whole world out there. All we have to do to experience it more fully is to break out of our Cocoon of self absorption and look at all that the world has to offer us. Then it is up to us whether we want to participate in the spectacular variety of opportunities life has to offer, or go back to staring at ourselves in the mirror. 

GIVERS AND TAKERS - WHICH ARE YOU?

I have always admired people to whom giving seems to come naturally. They are the people who we like to be around and have around us. Everyone knows someone who wakes up and bakes cookies or helps you out whenever you need a hand. They seem to be people who have time for everyone.

A lot of these people are parents, others are the selfless volunteers who give their time and energy to others. Regardless of who it is in your life, such a person makes time for many people and generally is the glue that holds a family, a group, and sometimes also, a community together.

Conversely, there are the Takers. These are people who seem never to pass up an opportunity to take something. Whether it is your time, your work, or whatever is available or that they want, they are present with their hand out. Such people have never seen something 'free' that they would not like to have for themselves.

These are the type of people who seem to go through life looking for someone else to do the work, pay the bill, treat them to meals, loan them money or generally give them a free ride.

Everything around them seems to empower their sense of entitlement. These are the people we say, still have the first dime they were given. You come to think of them as people who will never be satisfied, never have enough. In general, they have nothing to spare for anyone else, whether it is time, support, encouragement or love. 

I understand the Givers, and admire them, especially since there seem to be fewer of them than there used to be. The Takers on the other hand, I cannot tell you much about...except I like to get as far away from them as I can...and encourage you to do so too.

Givers and Takers, which are you? More importantly, which do you want to be known as. Something to think about.

TREAT YOURSELF BETTER

In a society that increasingly wants to have it's cake and eat it now, we are told daily that you can 'have it all' because 'you deserve it'. 

Meanwhile back in the real world, most of us live in, jetting off to Paris for the weekend is neither practical (7 hour flights each way) nor logical (who pays for this) thing for most of us. 

Therefore, most weekends, most of us are planning to do our laundry and many other household chores as usual. Meanwhile, most days we have a, sometimes dreaded, routine to follow. Only occasionally, do we get to plan for fun or holidays or time off.

I think however, that because so much of our time and our life are taken over by work and our obligations to others, it is important for each of us to dream a little dream of something we, personally, would love to do. This Wish List is important because it enables us to have a Dream or goal in mind, especially when we are loaded down by our obligations and responsibilities.

Meanwhile, as important as it is for each of us to have a Wish List of big plans and dreams, I suggest also, that each of us also make some time and put aside a little mad money for small indulgences which can make our daily/regular lives a little more fun.

Anyone, indulging in a favourite, or especially a new treat, knows what I mean. It is not quantity either. One incredible delicious and/or decadent treat is as good as a dozen so-so ones.

Putting aside a little time and money for the times when something special presents itself, can work wonders in holding you over till the big dreams can be realized.

Meanwhile, you and everyone around you will be glad to see that person who had a little treat. The good feelings and goodwill we all feel then are passed on cheerfully to everyone we meet and meanwhile also carry us through the rest of our otherwise routine obligations.

THE NEXT STEP – MAKING YOUR DREAMS POSSIBLE

The other day, I suggested that, in order to break the Coasting/Cruise Control of routine that characterizes most of our lives, we should change some small element of our routine. Today I describe what you might do to turn your dreams into reality.  

I felt that a change, however small, might give us a chance to see that not only could we try something new, but that we could be successful if we did so. 

If you gave it a shot and tried something, you already know that no major disaster befell you, nor did something terrible happen. You simply tried a new thing to break the regularity, and possibly boredom, of the same routine every day. 

Now I would suggest taking this a step further, by doing something you have probably never done before. 

Instead of watching someone else do something that you always thought you would like to do, investigate what would be necessary for you to be able to do it yourself.

For example, something I've always found fascinating, are the Northern Lights. At one time I had read the author Bill Bryson's description of his own trip to see them. Very recently, I had a conversation with someone who had made the trip. Both of these sources, gave me information about what could be done to make this a reality. 

Therefore today when I saw an Air Icelandia advertisement offering the Northern Lights with a direct 5 hour flight to Iceland from Toronto Canada, I was delighted that such a trip might someday be possible for me. 

Meanwhile, if your dream has always been to go on Safari, you might start by letting your 'fingers do the walking' and Google items relating to Safaris. The October 2013 issue of National Geographic Traveller has an article about African Safaris.

A historical summary as well as a look into, Safari's which are available now, lets you explore the requirements physically and monetarily that would be involved. 

Once you have explored the practical aspects of your dream, you likely will have some idea whether it is actually something you might be able to, and/or still want to do.

You might find instead, that looking into the details has confirmed that physically or in other practical terms, an actual Safari is unlikely to suit you. You might find however, that perhaps an Armchair visit 
via DVD is enough for you.

If the Safari however, is your goal, you put the next step into place by planning how physically and financially you can make it possible. A commitment and a plan will bring you many steps closer to making your dream a reality.

Surprisingly, it often takes less effort, fewer resources and less time to investigate and then make a decision about whether this part of your dreams is going to happen in the foreseeable future.

I personally took a big chance the first time I decided to travel abroad (and wrote about it in my essay THE BUCKET LIST - KEEPING HOPE ALIVE).  Because of that first try, I have now, been able to see things I never imagined I would see and do, on three other trips.

In between, the big dreams and plans, I live the same kind of normal life most people do. The bills get worked on, the laundry must get done, meals must be made etc.

I am convinced however, that exploring what it would actually take in terms of time, money and practical considerations, will give you a chance to plan to turn your dreams into reality.  

Meanwhile, each small challenge you give yourself and succeed at, will encourage you and lead, I am convinced, to making your dreams come true.

TO HAVE A GREAT FUTURE - LIVE IN THE PRESENT

It may seem a little harsh to say, 'Run your life or let it run you' but by letting events in your day dictate your actions, this might just be what you are doing.

Earlier I spoke about the dream I believe all of us have hidden somewhere in our hearts or minds. This 'Wish List' which we usually only admit out loud when talking about 'if only I had a million dollars', or 'if I won the lottery', represents the things we might like to have or do. It also, probably represents what we do not yet have or do.

I do not feel upset about the things that I do not yet have or do. Although I think it is important, in fact essential, that we continue to have and actually nurture a dream, I also think the present is a pretty good place to be.

I may not, however, have always appreciated what I had as much as I might have. I try consciously to do that now. I am grateful for so many things. 

That young girl long ago, who promised herself to not let an opportunity go by to say something nice to someone and not regret later not having said it, is also the person who taught herself to learn to enjoy the present.

Enjoying the present has sometimes been a real challenge. Having some health issues many years ago, caused me to understand first hand, how life is never carefree again once you have experienced Cancer. 

One day I sat down and wrote my essay, B.C. - BEFORE CANCER and A.C. - AFTER CANCER. I felt that, instead of just talking about it to people I met, it might possibly help someone somewhere to see that there are many of us out there that are Cancer survivors. I felt that, each of us, in our own way, might possibly be of help to someone else currently experiencing Cancer.

The loss of my beloved husband was another life shaking challenge to live with. Recently I returned to the resting place of his ashes. I have now lived eight years without his strength, guidance and love. Of course, I poignantly felt my present day loss of something precious that had been in my daily life. 

To say, that such memories are bittersweet is of course, an understatement. It is also true. It is however, the past.

At such times, the place in my heart is touched and the feelings I have, flood back. They are my memories, and although good ones, they are part of the past which has contributed to what has made me who I am today. 

Today however, I move ahead. Some days, yes, it's one foot in front of the other to get where I need to go. Other days, are wonderful and I feel the fun of listening and watching young children react and experience the delight of the day they are having.

Living in the present sometimes needs a conscious determination and an example, so well provided by the wild energy and living in the present that children have. 

Once we nudge ourselves, we get back on track and live the wonderful lives we are blessed with. We have grown and learned and become beautiful fulfilled human beings because of our experiences.

We can appreciate the good things that have happened to us in the past, continue to learn by not repeating old mistakes, and head forward in confidence that the rest of our life lies ahead of us.

  

The rest of our life begins now. We can decide quite a lot about how we want to live it and whether we are going to let our life run us or we make decisions to run our lives.

To be successful, I think we need to move ahead. We can view the past with gratitude and appreciation, but move forward by fully living in the present and moving into the future fully confident that it will be beautiful.

DARE YOURSELF - FIRST STEPS OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Most of us remember a time when someone around us dared us to try something. Possibly, it was something we would now consider normal and easy, such as jumping into a swimming pool for the first time. Maybe it was something much more daring, reckless even. 

Some of us, no doubt, will remember things that we tried earlier in our lives, that we now say we 'shudder to think about', although they are things that we actually did earlier in our lives. 

I ask, however, what happened when we took the dare and did it?

First of all, we did it and survived. Possibly, we did it and enjoyed it. Maybe we did it and realized that once was enough and we would never try that again. We might have realized that we were lucky to have survived something so dangerous, and lived to talk about it.

Remembering a daring thing we either tried on our own initiative, or at the urging of someone else, we probably consider it as something from a time when we were both, much younger and, definitely more reckless.

In fact, today we probably wouldn't even consider something so risky or daring. We may even be considering what we tried then to be foolish and stupid. Almost certainly, we feel we are older and wiser now. 

I have no doubt, that a sense of our own mortality that was probably absent from our early years, accompanies us much of the time today. We probably also consider that we we have responsibilities to and for other people to consider now.

After thinking about all of the above, it might even make us wonder whether we should be even more cautious and careful than we already are. We might even resolve to take fewer risks than we now do.

I suggest instead, that before we go down the road to insulating ourselves further, from real or imagined dangers, and start thinking about all of the things that can go wrong in life; we instead begin to think about all of the things that could go right in life, if only we dared to try them.

Sometimes thinking about 'What's the worst that could happen?' should be put aside in favour of 'What's the best thing that could happen?' instead.

It is only by daring ourselves, that we will push ourselves out of our routine and begin to revive our lives and change them into something we consciously enjoy.

Turn the Cruise Control off now. Start small. Although this may be something as small as driving down a new street, trying a new food or coffee, or simply consciously changing something in our attire or routine; we will have taken the first small step toward moving forward. 

Soon, after these first small changes succeed, we can consider, what we might try next.

TAKING THE FIRST STEP FORWARD

Most of us are living our lives, just as we always have, in a fairly regular way and generally feeling that life is neither good nor bad. Generally it might be called Coasting. While Coasting, our daily lives are continuing pretty much as they always have. 

Most of us have a routine we have developed which makes it easier for us to get through our day. This routine helps us deal with the expected parts of our day almost automatically. In some cases, it is a sort of Cruise Control.

While on our Coasting/Cruise Control, nothing much out of the ordinary happens. We might even be resigned and thinking 'it is what it is'.

Occasionally however, a problem arises or an unexpected change of schedule is necessary. If an accident or emergency happens, our routine is disrupted and we are forced to drop our routine and respond to this immediately. If it is a relatively small thing, we take it in stride and once the problem is resolved, go on as usual.

When the disruption or change is either more serious or permanent, such as a medical problem or a death in the family, changes are needed to our routine to adapt to our new circumstances. In such cases, we change our routine from reactive to somewhat proactive and as quickly as possible, make room for this longer term change to be incorporated into our daily lives.

We can go on for quite a long time on what I am calling Coasting and comparing to Cruise Control, but I wonder whether we should. 

While there is some comfort and security in a routine, I find that change is not, and does not need to be, either scary or difficult. In fact, if we are to continue growing and developing, it is necessary.

If we admit it to ourselves, each of us has a dream hidden somewhere in our heart and mind. It is a bit like a Wish List. Some of us say, 'if only I had a million dollars' or 'if I won the lottery'. It does not take much thinking along this line to realize that there are things we would like to have or do that we do not yet have or do.

I suggest therefore, that we take even one small item off of our Wish List that we think is doable, and do it. This might seem like a small start, but the success of this, might put a little spark into your life. It could also be a way to ultimately transform our lives to ones that are happier. 

I believe that even the smallest venture out of our routine, can be the beginning of great things. In fact, I think the small step, we consciously decided to make could lead to our actually finding a way to turning our dreams into reality. 

I hope to speak next about taking the first small change and turning it into a jumping off point for making the larger changes that we have put off for a long time, but which we know would improve our lives and make them better. 

WHEN IN DOUBT - JUST DO IT!

Someone once said, "Easier to ask forgiveness than permission". Possibly true. Possibly also not a one size fits all solution to every whim and idea that appeals to some spontaneous impulse. Sometimes, for example the decisions we make are going to effect other people.

A decision or belief that the world is ending - on the next day somebody out there has decided it will really end this time - does not make your impulse to sell everything you own, build a bomb shelter or bet your life savings on some crazy wish extravagance, a good idea. Possibly, as it has before, the world may not end and you will have bankrupted yourself AND your family and left them to, in the real world, begin again with nothing, when the world has not ended.  

The same impulse, which can be charming and whimsical and spontaneous, might also backfire on throwing the cost of a new car on a roll of the roulette wheel or some other form of gamble. Yes, I know I am speaking of extremes in putting forward such examples.

There are times however, when moving forward and taking a chance is much more likely to lead to great success. For example, a business decision sometimes requires a belief in yourself and a confident leap of faith, so as to move ahead towards greater success. Hard work, serious evaluation a degree of good luck and good timing, and a decision made at the right time, is slightly different than momentary recklessness and acting on a dare or out of bravado.

I enjoy reading about the success of Richard Branson. He has written a few books about his career. I have found them quite interesting. I admire so much his openness to trying new ideas. In fact one of his book titles is: SCREW IT, LET'S DO IT. Catchy title, but also showing that despite misgivings, he has sometimes, perhaps even often said, LET'S DO IT...LET'S TRY IT ANYWAY... despite our misgivings.

I still intend to give a lot of thought to Branson's ideas put out in his more recent book, SCREW BUSINESS AS USUAL in which he talks about giving back to society and the world we live in.

Meanwhile, 'Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained' is a phrase we might use when we recognize that we have let fear hold us back from trying something. Such fear as each of us has about one area of our life or another, may not be shared by other people around us. They may wonder what all the fuss is about because, what is a fear for us is not one they share. Trust me, they too have something they fear, we all do. It might just not be the same fear we have.

Your fear is very REAL TO YOU, therefore I would say, acknowledge it and do not concern yourself that it is not something everyone else shares or understands. However, once you recognize and acknowledge what it is that is holding you back personally, work on taking even small steps to overcome your fear, either by yourself or with someone's help and encouragement.

Hopefully, you and I, will overcome some of the fears that hold us back from realizing our dreams and wishes and that is why sometimes you might even decide that though you have a few misgivings left about what might work or not work if you give the action you fear a try, you might just succeed. I therefore suggest, that sometimes WHEN IN DOUBT - JUST DO IT! You have a good chance of being pleasantly surprised and pleased to have put an obstruction behind you and moved toward a new life.

YOUR HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON IT

When you woke up this morning, within a few seconds you made a decision important to your day. You either felt anticipation of the day ahead, or immediately thought of the amount of things weighing you down. 

Most of us don't leap out of bed as children do, ready to run toward the day ahead, raring to go, so to speak. Usually, we wake up a bit more slowly, see it's time to get up, stretch...sometimes groan and sit up. 

Within seconds we start thinking about what day it is, what we have to do that day, whether we are late already and how much time we have to spend waking up before the days events demand we get moving at full speed.

When it's Saturday, unless you have small children and probably won't get to sleep in much, you may take more time than you would when facing a work week commute and a busy day ahead.

Nevertheless, within a few minutes of waking, you have unconsciously made a decision about how your day will be.

In another essay, I posed the question - WILL TODAY BE A GOOD DAY OR A BAD DAY? YOU DECIDE. I think about this because I believe that when I wake up thinking my head is sore, or my knee is sore, or I want more sleep etc. 
On a day I think will be tough, I have often felt I would like to just pull the covers over my head and not get up at all that day. 

My family and I seem to have made an art of trying for as many extra 15 minutes of sleep as we can get. The Snooze Alarm on the clock is, I am convinced a gift from God that let's us have the extra minutes and even seconds of sleep, I need to face the day. I am more than a bit serious about this.

Nevertheless, I know that when I am happy with myself and my life, I am more likely to wake up ready for the day and feel ready to get up and go much more enthusiastically than when I am unhappy or feel loaded down with concerns and responsibilities.

I also think about the theory of the GLASS HALF FULL or GLASS HALF EMPTY, in other words, OPTIMISM AND PESSIMISM in how we approach things. Most of us know by now which is closer to our view of life most of the time.

If Pessimistic, we are more likely to feel loaded down more often than someone who is generally Optimistic.

As time has gone on though, most of us know that we do not greet the day with the enthusiasm with which Children do. In fact, the minute we think about this, most of us known that this is true. It is also something I thought it might be nice to try and bring back into my life.

I have thought about this a bit and decided that I have learned to not greet the day with great enthusiasm and maybe I can unlearn it.

Since no one can change my behaviour and attitude but myself, I realized that if I want to unlearn a negative thing, I could do it. It might take a while, but it probably took a while for me to not be thrilled at having another day to celebrate being alive and anticipating good things.

Like everything else, change does not happen in five minutes. The decision to change might be a quick one, but changing old habits will probably take a bit of effort to succeed. As with many other tasks, I decided to start small. At first this involved not groaning and frowning at myself in the mirror and slumping down with my first cup of coffee of the day. 

To start small, I would curb the impulse to groan as the days demands came into my consciousness. I would push myself to look in the mirror and smile (and sometimes even laugh at the crazy way my hair was sticking up). I would try, to not list all the aches and pains I thought I had from how I slept and instead, try and say something nice to the first person I met. 

Therefore, my greeting to someone would no longer be something negative such as "same old, same old" which can be used for referring to the day ahead being likely to be a repetition of the last one. 

Today is actually a new day, as is each day...so if you think about it, you will not be having a repeat of a previous one. 

Because I think we can do something about the day we will experience, by giving it and the people we meet, a chance to be part of a good experience, I now try and give each new day a chance to be a good one. I am happier most of the time; maybe if you give it a try, you will be too.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

Years ago, I remember reading that when you earned money you should pay yourself first. In your emotional and personal life as well, you should also pay yourself, but in a different way.

We all make mistakes; most of them can be corrected. We apologize to the person we wronged, we repaint and cover the wall we painted an odd colour, we get up and try again after a fall or a mistake. Often we say, 'forgive and forget' and often we do.

However, and more unfortunately, we often find it easier to forgive someone we love and care for more easily than we do ourselves. It is surprising how long we can be angry at ourselves for something we did or a unwise decision we made in our lives.

We can actually be pretty brutal with ourselves, sometimes more unforgiving and upset and angry with ourselves than with anyone else including the other party. This is especially true when we have been cheated or stolen from by someone else and have lost face, felt humiliated. When insult and injury combine, we have also lost money we could perhaps not afford to lose. 

What can we do about this? Hating ourselves and self disgust are akin to self pity in destructiveness in such situations. I suggest instead that we work harder than usual to forgive ourselves. 

To me the best revenge truly is in living well, in thriving, in learning not to repeat the same mistake again, and most importantly, to moving on to become a wiser and even better person.

When we put our mistakes behind us quickly, and forever relegate them to the past, we recover more quickly. Our mistake becomes a small blip on the radar of our lives, rather than an obstruction and a big detour.

Give yourself a break. If what you did was an error in judgement, forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. If out of a good heart, you trusted someone and they abused that trust, you may have been hurt but you remain the person in the situation that acted out of good intentions. When you are hurt or taken advantage of, you learn and from this you grow. 

Nothing you do honestly, and from goodness and kindness makes you a lesser person than you were before you experienced this situation.

Dust yourself off, experience your remorse or anger or tears, but only for a reasonable time. Then put it behind you for good and give yourself the same break you would give the other person were the situation reversed and the other person came to you trying to put a past mistake behind them. 

HOW TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND

Whether you believe it or not, the world is your Oyster. Each of us has a lot of options whatever our circumstances, and wherever we find ourselves at this moment.

To begin with, we have the day in which we find ourselves. A while ago, I asked myself...and you...WILL TODAY BE A GOOD DAY OR A BAD DAY? and I put it out there, that you could have some choice, you could decide, which it was going to be.

I believe we have a decision to make every day. In fact, we have a lot of choices that we make. The choices we make effect our day, our week, our month, our year and could quite easily effect our whole lives. Think about it.

Almost everybody knows, or if they are lucky, used to know, someone who is like a 'dark cloud'. Every time you meet them, they seem ready to tell you about everything that is wrong. They will tell you what is wrong with their health, their job, their life, their spouse, their parents, their friends and, if you are really lucky and they are going full tilt; what has always bothered them about you.

Needless to say, when they finally leave and tell you they'll see you later, most of us mumble to ourselves, "Not if I see you first".

There are other people who seem always to have some calamity in their lives. They seem to be running hard and always running, but somehow although they are frantic and exhausted, they never seem to do anything but run.

The opposite is the person so laid back, that a permanent state of MANANA has become a way of life for them as they put off until tomorrow what they needed to do today, or yesterday, or last week. Their homes and their lives are a perpetual DIY (do it yourself) project.

The disorganized person, the procrastinator, the chronic complainer and the pessimist, do not recognize that the choices they have made, make their lives the way they are.

Whichever group we find ourselves in from time to time, we could be making a new decision turn our lives around and become someone who knows that today is going to be a good day. 

When we make choices to work with possibilities and opportunities, instead of either letting either the things or the people around us pull us down, when we would really like to go up.

CHALLENGE YOURSELF - PERSONAL BEST

I am going to surprise you today. I am going to admit that my life has not been perfect. I however, am not surprised. 

Several months ago, I stated that I believed that lifelong learning is one of the reasons why we are alive and that I expected always to be learning however long I lived. I realize that I still believe that today.

I never had any illusions that I was perfect and because of this I consider myself a very fortunate person. Even better, by the time I had reached my mid 20's I realized that there were some things I was never going to be very good at. 

For example, most of the sciences were, and remain, terra incognita, to me. I accept also that I probably will never be either a great athlete or a wonderful dancer, except in my dreams.

These areas, which I admit are not ones in which I excel at and which I accept as, either difficult or impossible for me, have made it possible for me to recognize that other people have abilities different from mine. Different, but not necessarily better. 

The things I do well on the other hand, are where I both excel and compete. The competition is with myself. The words 'personal best' ensure that there will always be a challenge for me, but it is with myself.

What I learned from these two things, that I am not perfect and to accept that I have my own strengths and weaknesses, has made it possible to live a pretty good life.

Knowing I am not perfect, means that sometimes I will make a mistake. When I make a mistake, I accept that it is a mistake and not my whole life. Usually I try and correct the mistake, and move on. Although this is not always right away, I moved ahead as soon as I can. The reason I do this, is that a mistake is not going to change my whole life.

Because I recognize that I have some things I do well and I have a goal to keep learning, both from the good things I accomplish AND from the mistakes that I make, I find it easier to correct the mistakes I can, accept that some things have to be forgiven AND forgotten, and move forward.

I am no different than anybody else, except that I am comfortable not being perfect. I expect to always be working on improving myself. I accept that this will probably be a lifelong process. I think this is not so bad.

Like you, I put one foot in front of the other to get where I am going. The best thing is that I know that as long as I am willing to get up and put one foot in front of the other, I am probably going to get somewhere. 

With a bit of luck and some planning, it will be somewhere interesting and I will learn something new.

THE CHANGING SEASONS IN NORTH AMERICA

North America experiences four season, which normally are fairly well defined.
Each one, offers a good transition before the next and this prepares us for the next phase of the year ahead. 

Generally it might be said, that each season lasts about a quarter of the year. Therefore, by December with the calendar years end, Winter has arrived and will continue for another few months. The longest day of the year being December 21st, after which we begin hoping for an early Spring. 

Spring, usually promises Winter's end, rebirth of the trees and flowers and generally warmer weather ahead. 

After Spring, comes the warmest weather, lighter clothing and attitudes of Summer. Some of us find it hard to believe that the contrast between the very hot days of Summer, compared to the very cold ones of Winter. 

However, by the time the third quarter of the year arrives in September, we again begin to prepare, in Autumn for the last months of the year and the Winter season. 

The lightening of our mood, clothing and coming of warmer temperatures always seemed a good time for airing out of the house, in preparation for spring. This included pulling out lighter clothing in preparation for warmer weather. A sort of shedding the heavier, warm clothing needed in winter seemed also to involve a shedding of our heavier and more serious winter demeanour as well.

By the time summer arrived, we seem to have adopted, along with very light clothing, a much lighter attitude to the warm, sunny days ahead.

Autumn however, is a reverse of the lightening that Spring brings us. We are now entering, the third quarter of the year, here in North America. The season is known as Autumn (also sometimes called Fall). The children have just returned to school and soon we will witness the leaves turning to a vast array of beautiful colours and then falling off of the trees.

Often, especially in recent years, a long period called Indian Summer, makes this a rather beautiful time of year, neither really hot or really cold. It precedes and prepares us for the colder weather which will soon follow. 

Indian Summer and the autumn season prepare us for the final season of the year, Winter.

Winter, brings us cold, wind and various amounts of snow which covers the ground. Winter completes the four seasons which define the North American climate.

Each season comes with its own climactic change, clothing changes, ambiance and a range of activities we can participate in and enjoy.

It is possible that each of us has a season we like best. Part of enjoying life fully however, is making certain that we find some activities and events that we enjoy in each season. These become the touchstones of our year. These give us a chance to participate in the life around us, as well as, acknowledge and appreciate the beauty of the world as the annual cycle of nature unfolds around us.

LIFE - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE?

LIFE IS LIKE A MIRROR, SMILE AT IT AND IT SMILES BACK AT YOU. 

LIFE IS LIKE A CAMERA, FOCUS ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT, CAPTURE THE GOOD TIMES, DEVELOP FROM THE NEGATIVES, AND IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT, TAKE ANOTHER SHOT.

LIFE IS THE MOST DIFFICULT EXAM. MANY PEOPLE FAIL BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO COPY OTHERS, NOT REALIZING THAT, EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT QUESTION PAPER.

Three quotes seeking to motivate us. 

The first is telling us to realize that what you put into life is what you get back. 

The second to focus on what is important, learn from your mistakes, and bounce back and try again if something doesn't work out. 

The third, that being yourself is what life is about because each of us has our own life to work on and learn from. It also says that we go wrong when we try to live like someone else, since our own life is different from anyone else's. 

When I read these quotes and others like them, I realize that people have worked hard to learn life's lessons and that some people try to find a way to look at things positively.

Buddha said that, Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. To me this is true. When I see someone's face when they are expressing anger, there is nothing lovely or joyful in it. See for yourself. The next time you are expressing anger, look in the mirror. If someone you are speaking to is doing so, look at them. 

So, what are the possible outcomes that might come out of a positive or negative approach? 

A positive approach leaves open the possibility and hope that you approach each day thinking that you might succeed. By smiling and being cheerful, you are making a conscious decision to give the people around you, and things you are doing, a chance of working out. 

The person, at least trying to be positive, begins with an openness to the day being a good one. That person may smile or at least start out with a neutral, or better yet, cheerful attitude. 

When you offer others a smile, people tend to smile back at you. Think of how people immediately smile at little children who are smiling and laughing. We smile back at them and leave them feeling better than we did before.

Anger on the other hand, negative comments or views, gossip about someone else and criticism, doesn't leave anyone feeling better. Although you can tell yourself, you are just venting and that after you get it 'out of your system', it will be cathartic. In fact, usually we are no better off than when our frustration and anger was simmering inside us.

Expressing anger, because we felt we must, may have seemed a way to keep from becoming angrier. Sharing our frustration and upset with someone else may seem a way of getting rid of it. I doubt, however, that anyone leaves the situation happier than when they started.

Life hits us, comes at us, so to speak, with a variety of challenges. Some of these teach us a lesson in a way that we enjoy. People pass on the good lessons and might say, one good deed deserves another. The bad lessons are also passed on, but not always in a good way. The less pleasant parts of our day get passed on in the form of frustration, anger and upset.

While the positive 'playing it forward', gives something good to others; the negative version inflicts itself on those who care enough about us to listen to the tirade we feel compelled to express. 

I think we have a choice, as I have said before, WILL TODAY BE A GOOD DAY OR A BAD DAY? - YOU DECIDE. I meant it then, I mean it now. 

GOODBYE AGAIN - FOREVER I HOPE

Some time ago I wrote an essay called KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE - FRIENDS I THINK NOT.

Just a moment ago I got a reminder of what I believe and why I believe it. In other words, the last culprit, has just called me again. As usual, I spoke to him.

I can say that because I got caught off guard, I didn't know what else to do except be polite and pleasant. I could say that I picked up the phone, because I was expecting a delivery, and because most cell phones don't register the caller's phone number.

The fact that for the hundredth time, when I heard who it was, did not tell him directly, and in unmistakable terms to never call me again, never to 'darken my doorstep' or any other way of saying get out of my life forever, is typical.

There are no circumstances under which I would agree to meet or see him. 
Not in a million years. Not if he was offering to - finally - contribute even five cents, to pay back even one of the services, i.e. the extra cable service cost so he could view his sports shows. 

He could also, as a Birthday gift, give me the difference between the box of chocolates he bought me and the $106 ticket to see his favourite Football Team which he asked for as a Christmas present one year. Of course, no such offer was going to be forthcoming, so I needn't worry. After all, why should he change the habits of a lifetime?

I was polite, but then I usually am. I don't think being angry is much else except a loss of self control (most of the time). 

However, when he said he had a good memory for telephone numbers, but had to look mine up, I managed to assure him not to worry. It's all part of the past now anyway.

I gave him as a send off, the same fake kiss off, that insincere people give others they are parting company with...I wished him well. Goodbye again. I hope this time it is Forever. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - HAPPY NEW YEAR

Each of us struggles with various things in the course of our day, week, month and year. On New Year’s Eve often we reflect for a moment on how we think our year went. Some of us make resolutions for the coming year.

This Friday, when I celebrate my Birthday, I also make the day a symbol of my personal New Year. If the year, so far, has been a good one in my estimation, I feel even more encouraged. If the year, so far, has been trying or difficult, I make a small personal resolution to begin the 'NEW YEAR' on a positive note. I make a private Birthday Wish for whatever might be better than what has come thus far.

As a result, I dust myself off mentally, from whatever may have troubled me, or not worked out as I had hoped, and resolve again, to give my next day, week, month and year, a chance to be a better one. This is my way of wishing myself a Happy Birthday. At least, I am giving it a chance to be better in my personal New Year.

I urge you, when celebrating your next Birthday, to give yourself the best present ever, a resolution to have a very Happy New Year! 

LOVE - A MANY SPLENDORED THING

 

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.  by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

Love is amazing. Before my husband died, he didn't say a lot of dramatic things but a few times he walked by me and said the following: 

We didn't have a long time, but we had a good time. 

On another occasion: I still feel the same way. 

On another occasion: I was always faithful to you. 

On another occasion: You really have a very pretty voice (when you sing). 

No big drama, no sloppy baloney. Just flowers often for years and years and a lot of good manners, consideration and decency. 

Early on we decided that we had GOOD WILL towards each other and said it. 

We also decided to divide up household chores according to who was better at it. 

Most importantly we did not drag each other to things the other hated...in his case shopping...he got to tell me Better You than Me when I'd come home worn out and footsore. 

A lot of little things, and just one more - deciding what it is important to you - important enough to insist on. 

The rest of the day, other than remembering and saying you love, is just stuff.

What leaves you happiest of all - when it is mutual. 

P.S. I was very honoured and happy to hear someone who knew us both, for many years, tell someone that she had never heard me criticize my husband. I know I had no reason to, but I am still happy that I did not.