FREE ADVICE...ISN'T.

A couple of years ago one of my sisters-in-law died. I was worried about her son and I thought I would occasionally take him out for a meal and a movie and keep in touch to see how he was doing.

Over the course of the year he decided to move to closer to the centre of town and did this. In fact, generally he seemed to be doing reasonably well.

Despite this, it was not long before I started to feel the need to give him some advice on what I felt he could do, might do, should do. It also wasn’t long before I realized that MEGO (my eyes glaze over) started to happen when I tried to give him the benefit of my experience.

After a while, we didn’t seem to be in touch very often. Although at first I thought it might be because he was spending time with friends of his own age and rebuilding his life, I was shocked to hear that he spent his time during a haircut I had forced on him, swearing and actually upset most likely because he had been pushed to do something he didn’t want.

After this, there have been much longer times between visits, fewer replies or long delays in replying to my emails etc. I think eventually I have realized that I had probably given out more ‘free advice’ than I intended and had succeeded only in getting him to avoid me probably in self defence.

It took this withdrawal from contact with me to make me remember the endless ‘free advice’ I had been given, particularly during my teenage years and even after I had graduated and was working.

In fact, fast forward to the present; a lot of people who are old enough to know better, should probably take their own advice and not tell me what I should be doing differently.

Remembering how I dealt with ‘free advice’ reminded me that others might not want my advice either. Never mind that I am only telling others what I would do in their situation. Never mind that I worry that they will be safer, happier, less troubled and that I think they could benefit from my experience. Never mind that I mean well.

Ultimately, each of us, must learn to make our own mistakes, including giving out unwanted ‘free advice’ until we learn not to. Along the way we might also learn that if someone wants our advice they will probably ask for it.

Free advice is rarely free. It costs those who give it disappointment when it is not heeded. It costs those who get it to try and please others when they feel they must take it. It costs even more to both of you when you avoid one another and can’t be friends any more.

I have come to realize that the free advice I’ve gotten and the free advice I’ve given, usually costs more than I’m willing to pay for it.

Meanwhile, it’s one day at a time for me in this area. I need to affirm each day – one day at a time, that I promise not to give any more free advice. If I ever succeed and somehow learn how to stop, I’ll let you know. For now it’s one day at a time.