THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

There are a lot of conversations every day that almost require a translator to be understood the way they were intended. In fact, many, many books have been written about trying to communicate better. The writers try and show us some obstacles we need to overcome in order to be understood by other people. This is usually not as easy as we think.

My favourite of this genre is called The Art Of Talking So That People Will Listen – Getting Through to Family, Friends and Business Associates by Paul W. Swets.

Recently I spoke about how Men, when faced with the (usually) high pitched voice of a Woman, tune out when many words accost them. I compared what they heard to a wall of words which sound to them as blah blah blah blah blah. 

It seems to take most Women, and Men, almost a lifetime to figure out that we need to communicate differently with the opposite sex, than with our own.

It is especially damaging to get the above ‘blah’ reaction at work where there is no emotional tie to mitigate the damage that is being done to your career. You usually don’t get a second chance, to change the impression or a ‘do over’ of the point you were trying to make.  

It is of course, not only Men we need to communicate with and not always only Men who are finding what you are trying to say unintelligible. All members of our own sex, don’t speak the same language we do either. We do not, after all, talk about the Tower of Babel without reason.

Coming from a large family, I often find myself hearing one person or anothers grievances against someone else. In addition, a variety of friends and acquaintances who call are trying to share something of their day and it’s challenges. I would say that most phone calls are from someone who has called you hoping you will listen to what is bothering them and lend them your support.

Often the conversation on a ‘bad day’ takes the form of ‘he said and then he said’ or ‘can you believe what she said’. I can think of a few ways that can help us deal with this and most of the conversations we have with other people. I think some of them are worth thinking about.

A lot of people, knowing both parties involved, would do just about anything they can think of not to get involved. They seem to know that they will end up in the middle of a feud of some sort between these two people who are arguing, at least today, with each other about something.

Those that can remain neutral, despite our best efforts to enlist them on our ‘side’ can be quite infuriating. They will usually say that there are two sides to every story. Some of them will even say there are three: your side, their side and the truth. Most annoying of all, these people may also say that they don’t have a problem with the other person, and most aggravating of all to us, they tell us then and there that they will not take sides.  

Most people, generally speaking, will usually just let the aggrieved person talk to, and at them, when they call. Most of us will let the person vent their frustrations until they run out of words, or have to stop for air, whichever comes first.

Unfortunately, unlike that rare person who is able to stay neutral, most of us, find that we eventually feel the need to comment on what is being said to us. Although, we wish we could be like the neutral person above, we know we can’t.

Experience has taught us, or will eventually teach all of us, that we are asking for trouble if we get involved. In fact, we actually know this is not a good thing to do, even before we start to speak. Unfortunately, when we feel the need to intervene, we almost can’t help ourselves and not say what we feel we need to say.  

This is even worse, when we feel we need to tell the person we are speaking with that we feel that they are wrong. You might begin by trying and tell them that you think that the other person probably didn’t mean it the way they took it. 

Telling someone they are wrong is almost guaranteed to put you in the wrong. Up until that point, the disagreement had been between two people, not with you. Now, if you are really unlucky, and most of us are, both of them will end up mad at you, especially after they patch up their temporary problem with each other, along the way telling each other what you had to say to them about the other one.

We all know that no good deed goes unpunished. Therefore what might we do or say when we are asked to take sides, even though our fondest wish would be to stay neutral?

I’d say recognize that someone telling you something that went wrong during their day is usually just letting off steam. Other times, they are running an idea by you to see whether it still makes sense when they say it out loud. They might also be trying to enlist you on their ‘side’ when they are in disagreement with someone else.

Experience has taught me that most people are really not looking for advice. As someone once said, when I want your advice, I’ll let you know.

Most often our friends are looking for support, encouragement; a sounding board. Sometimes we are being tacitly asked to help them make a decision about what they need to do about a situation.

When we recognize that they’ve called us just to let off steam about some element of their ‘bad day’, we know that a few words of sympathy are enough.

In fact, most of the time, we are just being an ear and a friend and are most helpful to our friends, when we can help them sort out what is really bothering them.  

As a friend, we do this by listening. We also by listening, eventually hear what is at the heart of the wall of words coming our way.

Once we recognize what the problem really is, we can then let them know that we support them because we are their friends. We reassure them, with our confidence in them, that tomorrow it will all feel better; usually after a good night’s sleep. That is our real job as a friend, and most of us who keep our friends, do it fairly well. Along the way, because of this, we also learn how to talk to other people as well.