I NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS NOW

Tis the season to be jolly. The Countdown to Christmas has begun. The U.S. has had Thanksgiving as have we more than a month earlier. We have been offered everything under the sun on Black Friday and beyond in sales and now we can see as many as 3 Christmas movies a night.

I used to indulge occasionally in these films. I suppose they are the film version of Chick-Lit but until this year it didn't occur to me to watch more than one from time to time. This year however, is different.

I think perhaps that this year, 'I need a little Christmas'. I say this because I am actually seeking out these films and particularly enjoy seeing whole towns in the film being decked out with Christmas trees of every sort and tree lighting ceremonies opening the festivities. 

Most of the films, including at least 30 new ones debuting this year feature a lot of hard working young men and women rediscovering the joys of friends and families meeting and usually also reconnecting with the Christmas spirit that they once enjoyed in their lives. 

It is almost like something in me needs to reconnect with my own Christmas spirit sooner rather than later. I know this year it seems more important than ever.

I know only too well that I will miss the two people that died, or as these films usually say, 'passed', this year. There is no doubt that losing another brother who courageously endured great and constant pain of long duration, can't help but remind me of the many happy memories of decades together. The friend that I made after my mother died, 24 years ago, united me with my mother for these many years because we cherished and remembered her together. 

I pause again to realize that one of my favourite aunts has now been gone for a year. I remember her especially because she died on her 95th birthday a year ago while at her desk, doing what she always did, writing thank you notes to the many people who cared for her.

It is, however, more than the passages that the year has brought that make this year almost require a conscious attempt to resuscitate and somehow revive the joyous child that once innocently and unreservedly enjoyed this happier than usual time of year. 

It is also the 'State of the World'. This is actually chronicled in a paperback book of statistics and such that comes out once a year. Suffice it to say, this year's must be a doozy with all of the anger out there coming at us from all sides. 

Most of us can see that even friends and family are polarized and at odds with those who disagree with their responses to the daily diet of outrage coming at us from what passes as news today. There don't seem to be any 'neutral' places out there anymore.

Even when you determine to consciously avoid this today there seems no escaping that even your family and friends have been effected by the polarizing opinions of almost everyone you meet throughout your day.

Perhaps it is self defence on my part; perhaps hiding my head in the sand is my reaction. All I know is that, this year, I most definitely need a little Christmas, and I need it now.

FACE OFF

At three o'clock in the morning most of us are alone with ourselves. The self we see is not the person everyone else sees, but the person we actually are. No doubt there are actually some people who actually are the same person that others see, but I suspect, that the person we actually are probably is a bit different than the one which other people see. 

Most nights we are sleeping and enjoying a much needed and possibly also a well deserved rest. Other times however, we are still awake and somehow able in this time of quiet to be alone with -face to face- with ourselves. 

Being alone is something each of us needs to get used to and become comfortable with. In the course of our lives there will be many times when we will be alone.

I think such times in life can provide us with a perfect time to relax. We have a great opportunity to to consider how we are and actually use some of this 'downtime' as a sort of personal 'stocktaking'.  

It might also be a good time to use the quiet. We can use such times to reflect upon who we really are. How far we feel we have come and where we are going. 

We might also think about what we really want to be doing. Are we seeing a happy, contented person in front of us, or someone who is having a hard time looking forward.

At three o'clock in the morning, these and many other questions seem to be immediately in front of us, free of the busyness and distractions that push them aside or out of mind as we move, often rapidly, throughout our normal busy days. 

By now, most of us have learned, and probably accepted, that there are things and people we cannot change. In view of this, most of us eventually realize that the one person we can change and work with is ourselves.

I suggest that, in fact, the closer we are able to come to self acceptance and trust in ourselves that we have and are making a life where what we need and want are close together, the more likely we can be happy with ourselves and our lives. 

Meanwhile most of us will probably wonder if life will always be a work in progress and accept that this is probably not a bad thing.

Possibly though a successful life may just be the one where that person reflected back at us as we look in the mirror at three a.m. is the one with can comfortably live with throughout the day.

JUST IN TIME TO CELEBRATE

You look around and another year has flown by. You can't help but wonder where the time went. We all do it. It is almost an obligation as a year is ending and we get ourselves ready to recognize a new one is almost upon us.

Meanwhile though you are amazed, but not amused, to realize another year has whizzed past you. Were it not for scribbled notes all over your calendar you might wonder where you have been.

In my case I am stunned to realize that I have not written anything here for easily more than a year and possibly even closer to 2 with 2020 almost in front 

of us.

How am I? How are you I wondered today as I erased over 430,000 old emails that had not only not been read, but which had also clogged up my writing blog

site.

After most of today working on cleanup, I am pretty happy to say that I belatedly am cleaning up my 2019 act, possibly Just in Time to Celebrate

and welcome the New Year.

Soon it will be Christmas and the Holiday Season for so many of us and we

will welcome our own and others celebrations with a lighter heart and perhaps, like me somewhat bemused that I let so much time go by before writing again.

More to come shortly...but for now...nice to be back in touch. 

Hope you are well, hope you, like me, are looking forward to greeting this lovely time of year with optimism and openness and good cheer.

Lets all move into December and give the rest of the month heading toward the New Year a good send off by catching up with our unfinished business and reacquainting ourselves with each other.

Meanwhile, time to roll up our sleeves and spring into action. Glad to be back in touch. I realize we may have missed each other.

IS IT ASKING TOO MUCH?

Someone once said that we often dislike people the most who are either most like us or who show the same weaknesses that we have overcome. I’ve often wondered if this is true.

I have long accepted however, that some people and I will not likely ever get along. I felt that we were just too different from each other. Maybe it is just the opposite, that we were instead perhaps too much alike to be friends.

When are we angriest? Maybe it’s when we feel most powerless. It could also be when we feel most taken for granted, disappointed or disrespected. We feel most powerless perhaps in situations which we feel we can do nothing to change. Chronic illness, acts of God, serious losses especially of those we love, might all qualify as things which might cause us to feel helpless or powerless.

Unrequited love is a really brutal experience. Hopefully you get it over with when you are very young, or at least young enough to realize that you can, and most likely will, love again and that it will be reciprocated.

Betrayal really slows us down. It can sometimes take years to recover from the kinds of pain we experience when we are cheated, betrayed or have things taken from us by someone to whom we had given unconditional love and trust.

However, what happens when someone disappoints us? We often feel that they have let us down. We also feel that they have not met our expectations. We may feel varying degrees of being angered, upset and/or hurt. In such cases however, how much of our disappointment comes from what someone else does, or did not do, and how much from what we hoped might happen and did not?

The question becomes, how much of what happened is a result of our own hopes and dreams and how much is based on another person just being themselves?

Do we have a right to be angry that we did not get what we wanted? Perhaps we do, but possibly only when we were promised that our hard work would be rewarded, and it was not.

Otherwise, maybe we misjudged what we might expect as a result of certain relationships, what we hoped or dreamed we might obtain, rather than what we might reasonably expect from the situation in question.

Where being disappointed is a trickier problem is when we have invested a lot of our time, effort and possibly also resources, freely and generously on someone we know and care for and find, either an unequal or unrequited response from the other person. Although this may not be a betrayal, it can feel that way sometimes.

When what you give far exceeds what others give you, you have either expected too much, or the other person has decided that what you have to offer is not as important or valuable to them as you think it should be.

In such cases, we need to determine how much of what happened was an unrealistic dream we had, and how much we might logically have expected in an allegedly reciprocal relationship.

You can accept that your miscalculated the value of what you offered. You can reflect on the others response and decide whether additional effort or discussion might still give you what you feel you deserve or need.

Alternatively, sometimes it becomes obvious that a lack or deficit of mutual respect and esteem exists, and always will, despite your best efforts.

It is when you recognize that the situation will never be reasonable or balanced, you might decide to write off your losses and move on to somewhere where what you have to offer will be genuinely valued and appreciated.

I suspect that leaving a situation with few chances of success, and moving on, will likely lead to one that is more likely to succeed sooner than you might imagine.

Once you stop wasting time, and energy, on hopeless causes you become free to take a chance to move forward. Using a new approach and interacting with new people, might more easily lead to a better appreciation of what you have to offer.

MAKE YOURSELF A PROMISE IN 2017

Usually I feel that New Years Resolutions are made to be broken. Maybe we mean them at the time, but like salt thrown over your shoulder for good luck, shortly afterwards, we forget. Strangely I don't feel this way this year.

When I gave each brother and sister a copy of the ‘Happy’ DVD this Christmas, I hoped that each of them would find a way to be happier this year. This is particularly important after 2016 when there seemed so many unhappy people around. As if the U.S. political scene, terrorism and murders in many parts of the world weren’t enough; several people in their anger and unhappiness tragically took many family members with them as well.

Along with wishing a happier New Year for those close to me in my life, I am also adding a New Years Resolution for my own life.

For the first time in many, many years, I think I want to strive to stop myself from telling people what I actually think. This probably should include saying I’m sorry about something only when I really mean it and not just because I am trying to keep the peace and/or be polite. Yikes, I’m a long way from the polite person I used to be.

Along with telling people what I actually think, I may include the fact, that we seem to have lost respect for each other. I should try to have the courage to tell them that I am disappointed that I feel this way, BUT, that in fact, I do feel this way.

I may also mention that perhaps I had no right to expect someone to be anything other than who they are; but that I may have previously thought they were better people than they seem to be now.

It isn’t easy to say goodbye. As I’ve mentioned before, I believe people are in our lives for a reason and we are meant to learn from them. Maybe I still believe this. However, I now wonder whether one of the lessons is learning when to stop loading your life down with people who should be moving out of your life into one that suits each of you better. Perhaps I’m accepting that Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Meanwhile, there’s still a lot of living to do. Easier when your baggage is lighter.

WISH YOURSELF A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR

I celebrate 2 Christmas days each year. Today I also celebrate a second New Year as well. If I miss one, as I did this year; I can still pull out the rest of my decorations and leave them up until January 15^th. This is what, in fact, I did this year. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have done so and how much better I feel in joining the celebrations. As the saying goes, better late than never.

Ringing in the new year has a special meaning to many of us this year. For some of us, 2016 was a year of many changes. For myself, moving house was closely followed by a trip all around Spain. Returning to a cousin’s funeral and other disruptions took me quickly into Christmas and New Years and beyond.

I am so far behind that this is my first year where even combining Christmas and New Years in cards did not happen. In fact, I intend to send notes to all of my faithful friends as soon as I get my act together. Strangely this year, this will be shortly after the decorations are put away next week.

I felt a Christmas spirit, and had a fine meal on December 24^th, meatless as it always is in our tradition. However, saying goodbye to 2016 is saying goodbye to some people who have been in my life for a long time. In fact, some people I know think some of these others have been around long enough to be sent on their way.

Others that I inherited among my late husband’s friends, passed away in the past few months. Speaking to their widow’s reminds me of my own loss and other Christmas days and New Years from the past.

The consolation prize of the second new year, can be to remind you that a fresh start can be made whenever you are ready. There is an optimism and encouragement in realizing this. There is even more when you remind yourself how much your happiness depends upon you.

You have a chance to be happy any day you are ready to let yourself be happy. Like love, even if you begin with a small act, there is nothing to stop you from adding to it and becoming habitually happy. A lot of what it takes is a willingness to change your perception. What I’m saying is put on your rose coloured glasses and wish yourself a very Happy New Year.

A PERFECT DAY

Ever wished you could wake up to A Perfect Day. Maybe not just A Perfect Day, but your Perfect Day.  

I just wrote about the last couple of days spent/wasted trying, unsuccessfully, to find a missing item. Unfortunately this followed a couple of hellish weeks, hearing about and living with, a variety of family dramas I hoped were long buried and forgotten in the past.

Where I wonder, are the magical places that change the world into a place where, in the blink of an eye and give us the Perfect Day? Sometimes I wonder if its only in the movies or in some daydream.

A rather dull ‘song’ drones out the phrase The Perfect Day in the cable company’s promotion of the Angelina Jolie-Pitt movie By the Sea. Any Perfect Day is no more for the stars of this film anyway. 

I still wonder though what it would be like to jump out of bed with the eagerness of a child on Christmas morning again. Instead, for an unreasonably long time, I usually pull the bed covers up for at least 15 minutes more rest, before I finally rise to see what I have to deal with today. 

Why is the Perfect Day and the Happy Ending something we can only dream about? Why is being Surprised by Joy* such an illusive, maybe impossible, dream?

Perhaps rather than wonder if there is a movie somewhere that matches our dreams, perhaps we might, take as much time as we need, to try and figure out how we can find a way to change our lives to put some part of our dreams into our reality. When you think about it, why don’t we make this a resolution and part of a plan? Wonder if it is something we could actually make happen.

*Title of a C.S. Lewis 1955 auto biographical book

SHAKEN NOT STIRRED

Ever woken up to the realization that your life recently seems to have been Shaken up. I have, and I have a feeling that it doesn’t seem to be over yet.

The only good thing about this morning is waking up at 7:30 and not at 3:30, 5:30, 7:30 and 9:30 as I had the previous night. After a couple of nights like this, almost anyone is ready to ask the simple question, “Is it just me, or is there something strange in the air these past couple of days, weeks or months?”

For example, although we all misplace things we’ve put in a safe place, so we don’t lose them, spending two full days looking everywhere we can think of unsuccessfully, does not make for a calm, enjoyable weekend. Neither does misplacing something else you immediately need among your non-paperless world.

Recently I returned from a trip around Spain, which although perhaps a bit too cool/cold to be in the north and somewhat too rainy in the south was interesting, and generally pretty enjoyable.

Since this was just after the American election, 15 months of 24/7 media bombardment about politics, followed by ½ of the United States waking up in shock at the outcome; the Americans on the trip seemed generally to be in a state of PTSD. The Australians were, as usual, on some extended globe trot of which we were but a small leg; and the Canadians were, well Canadians, out to see a bit more of the world, this time Spanish. Since few spoke any other languages than English and French, some found it very challenging and seemed not to venture out much on their own.

In any case, usually a trip ends and you head home. You’ve seen a lot and met a lot of new people. You are glad to be in clean clothes again, soon have seen all you want of the recent damage to your bank account, and generally spend the next weeks visiting with friends, family and playing catch up with your mail and your country for a bit. Not this time.

Rumours of the death of a relatively young cousin, unfortunately true, turned the days immediately after my return into a turbulent time during which various of my cousins families revisited ancient disputes with each other and us. I actually have begun to wonder whether most of the world is angry about something we just haven’t found a way to get past.

Nevertheless, though there are times when the world and its inhabitants make us wonder where we are going, without making a lot of sense, perhaps we need such unusual events to remind us that our lives can change in a minute and that being complacent is the last thing most of us should ever be.

The newly released Jackie movie may serve to remind us that various events from the past still resonate and evoke potent memories, even half a lifetime later. Meanwhile, the snow on the ground reminds us that another Winter has arrived.

Whether we like it or not, although we are generally familiar with the annual life cycle, life still has some surprises in store for us which are just different enough to be challenging and keep us alert and awake. Perhaps, whether shaken or stirred, life reminds us that we are alive and finds a way to make us pay attention.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR

If you really want to do yourself a favor, take a day off once in a while. I don’t just mean, get away from work, but rather, do something completely different…preferably by yourself.

Some people go for retreats, which formally are designed for silent reflection and prayer. Others like to get out of the city, or familiar place where they live, by going to the country or cottage or on a trip.

For those of us who don’t have the time to physically remove ourselves from everything familiar, there are a lot of ways to pause and remove yourself from your daily concerns and responsibilities.

Some of the simplest of these are known to almost everyone: take a relaxing bath, listen to music on your headphones, do a jigsaw puzzle, go and see a movie, go to an art gallery or museum or go for a walk or hike.

Ultimately, only you know what works best as a decompression valve for you. Whatever you choose, although dependent upon how much time you have, and what you have found works best for you, you will have done yourself a favor.

A side effect and benefit will probably be that you may have realized that you can put away the trials and concerns of that day and arrive home refreshed and ready to enjoy the rest of your day, having put down some of the baggage that was weighing you down that day.

I suspect that those around you, many who possibly have worries and problems of their own, will be glad to see a friendlier face than they expected when you told them how your day had been going. I think that you and they may also see that you are able to enjoy and share your time together more fully and appreciatively. 

MAD MADDER MADDEST

Have you noticed how angry the people around you are these days? It seems as though there is always something, we or someone around us, is angry about.

Most recently, of course, 15 months of non-stop political campaigning in the United States and the 24/7 media day, has probably bored most people into exhaustion. Nevertheless some people still seem to have time and energy left to parade in the streets to complain about an election outcome they didn’t like.

Others of us think America might have chosen better candidates to begin with, but seem quicker to accept the outcome than those who personally think women or others were slighted because this particular woman was not elected. Since large numbers of voters on the east and west coasts voted for her, and she still lost, they seem to need to let everyone know they intend to continue to be unhappy.

I’ve personally found however, that not only do my fellow citizens often vote for, and elect, someone else than who I voted for, but that I usually have to put up with their choices for (at least) 4 years. Tough luck. Poor me.

This being the case however, am I going to be mad at or avoid my friends and family for those years, or do I have a life down here on planet earth, to get on with?

Sadly, a lot of this frustration and anger, about politics and a lot of other things, gets directed toward those still willing to listen to us and therefore, often erodes and corrodes our closest personal relationships.

While anger can be a safety valve on occasion, continuous dissatisfaction and upset can ruin our relationships and our health.

I personally don’t feel that life is a competition for being the loudest or holding on to what we feel is our ‘righteous indignation’ the longest. It seems to me that we are happier and healthier when we realize that even when we disagree with someone else, it’s not our whole life. 

I believe it’s healthier to move forward than dig our heels in and stagnate because we’ve decided we are right and everyone who disagrees with us is wrong.

YOLO

Recently I heard about YOLO as in, You Only Live Once. The implications are clear. Forget about getting it right the next time; you may not get a next time. It follows that you had better get busy because, as we are so often told, life is too short.

Some of you know my thinking, which is life should be long enough, if you live it right. There is a big difference however, between enjoying life fully and racing everybody around to grab all you can…so others don’t get it first. As with so much else, your attitude matters considerably more than the length of time you get in chronological time.

Somewhere around the mid 1700’s Adam Smith revolutionarily proposed that life is expansive and we need not feel life is a zero sum game, as had been previously thought. In other words life is not a pie which will be exhausted if we don’t get and grab what it offers first, ahead of others competing with us for a limited benefit.

Instead, Smith felt that man is capable of increasing and building upon what we see now and creating new things which make it possible for ourselves, and everyone else also, to build upon and add to what we had before.

When we believe that we can take whatever we are given, add whatever life throws at us to work with, deal with and that whatever obstacles we have found, we can feel confidence that we should be able to use our brains to live a good, even prosperous life, regardless of what life throws our way.

If we are more pessimistic, however, we might be inclined to doubt our own abilities to overcome the obstacles in life, especially if we think that other people are both untrustworthy and think only of their own interests and what benefits them. Such a view likely perceives life as full of challenges and probably makes them feel that it is hard to overcome all the trials and impediments they expect are inevitable.

You can think that you only live once, so you need to take all you can from life, because this tough place forces you to give as good as you get and struggle for every single thing from birth to death.

Alternatively you can think that you only live once, in this glorious, multi-faceted and extraordinary place so you want to savour and enjoy and contribute to making it even better for yourself and those around you.

To me how you live, depends inevitably in the choices you make about whether life is bountiful and good, or difficult and filled with a never ending series of challenges and obstacles. 

As with so many things, whether you enjoy the fact that YOLO, you only live once, or not, still comes down to how you decide you feel about life and the way you decide to live it.       

LET IT GO

The movie Frozen had a most beautiful song in it. It is called “Let It Go”. Even now, years later, it is one of the better songs ever written.

It was written by Demi Lovato in 2013 and recorded by Idina Menzel in 2014 for the Disney movie Frozen. After it won the Oscar for Best Song, it was recorded by many countries, and regions of countries, i.e. Spanish, Catalan and Basque for Spain; English & Quebecois for Canada, and many other variations in a compilation.

Whatever language or dialect, it resonated with something visceral in all of us. I think what it was we responded to was that we can’t stay stagnant, immersed in some sad part of our lives. We need to free ourselves, literally and figuratively, from whatever it is we have been holding onto…and which we are allowing to hold us back.

I sit here, amid complete disarray, surrounded by boxes and furniture and a decimated home as I prepare to move tomorrow morning. Finally, around a month ago, I said yes to change. I have to tell you, although I don’t know why, somewhere inside of me, nervous as I was at my rashness, I knew I have already been changing inside.

While I am a bit nervous at leaving so many things that have made up my life for the past 6+ years, I know this decision, whether for only a year or however long, is somehow the right thing to do.

How can I be sure? Well, I can’t, except to know that I will finally sort out a lot of old memorabilia and things that were boxed and re boxed, because I am finally ready to do this.

I also know that I will soon be on vacation again abroad as I have organized and paid for another trip. However, this time, I also recognize that when it is time for me to change again, I should be able to do so without the fear I had before.

This time for some reason I understand that any change I make will be neither permanent or irrevocable. In fact, because I am making this change, I am less nervous about making another one if I have to.

I am wondering why it took me so long to realize that if I make a decision, even one this big, I can, maybe even more easily, make another one if I need to. Colour me surprised. Colour me looking forward, again…finally.  

YES AND NO

Sometimes I think I am the most indecisive person I know. There are times when making up my mind requires one or more sleepless nights. I tell myself that it is reasonable when making a ‘big decision’ to consider all of the possibilities, but who am I kidding; sometimes even little things can have me stuck in a groove.

Most people know their Sun Sign. This is the Astrology sign for the time in which they were born. I find this the case with both Men and Women.

Were I to say my Sun Sign is Leo, I am told that I would love memorabilia and photographs (I do). I would also be proud and vain. As one humorist wrote about Leos, they are cry babies. If you agree with them, they cry because you are such an understanding and sympathetic person; if you disagree with them, they cry because you are cruel and heartless.

However, I don’t think Leos are particularly indecisive and I have admitted that I am. There must be some other explanation. The easiest, by the way, is that the other main things that affect us in astrology are your Moon and your Ascendant. In my case, both of these fall in Libra – the scales.

A Moon and Ascendant in Libra, I feel, gives me a ready-made excuse for a lot of indecisiveness. I simply say that Libra people are all about Balance. I add, perhaps gratuitously, in my favour of course, that we look for Justice and Fairness. Well, that is what I would say if I was asked why it takes me so long to make a decision…but, really, who am I kidding?

Sometimes we are uncertain about what we want. Sometimes we think that, if we are patient, we will make a better decision. Maybe we feel that if we (finally) exercise a little patience, something even better will come along. Well maybe. Then again,maybe not.

I say that within ourselves we know when something ‘feels’ right. We say, it ‘suited me perfectly’, it ‘fit me like a glove’, it was ‘perfect’.

Maybe the reason we sometimes hesitate is because we sense that too much of a compromise is going to be needed to make the decision fit into our lives. I’d rather be a bit slower in making a decision than spend a lot of time later on having to figure out how to get out of a situation.

I’d say, go with your ‘gut feeling’. One Size Fits All, FITS NO ONE

STRESS TEST

We live in times when a day can literally run non-stop 24/7. With employers thinking nothing of texting us in the middle of the night; our work day and the rest of our lives are now instantly accessible to anyone we interact with anywhere in the world.

On top of this, the ‘small stuff’, those little detours and unexpected glitches that turn up each day, just seem to pile on more for us to manage in our already overloaded day.

With so many demands on our time and energy, most of us find ourselves in a kind of endless marathon throughout our day. This already makes most of us unable to give our full attention to anything.

I wonder whether we might reach the point where even a small addition to our stress and the demands made upon us, will push us beyond our personal ‘tipping point’.

If you, like me are reaching your tipping point, I’d say it is time to consider that a little bit of reflection might do us both some good. A small step in the right direction may be for us to consciously stop, look up from our texts, or put down our phones for a minute. 

Were we to take even a few seconds, we might metaphorically take the pulse rate of our day. I believe we could benefit from such a conscious pause. It might enable us to figure out just how tense and stressful we have become. It might give us just enough of a break so that we might consciously regroup and make the rest of the day better.

Otherwise it might soon be you or me yelling at the ‘barista’ at the coffee shop that our well-being is in their hands, because we have somehow decided that, that ‘perfect’ coffee will either make or break our day.

Many of us today, myself included, believe age is largely a state of mind. We often hear that soon people will regularly live to be a 100 years or older.

Personally however, I am sceptical that we are prepared physically and emotionally to experience a life that is both long and good. I am convinced that any advances in longevity won’t apply to those of us who don’t find an effective way to reduce our critically elevated levels of stress.

Our ‘sandwich’ generation, has many of us trying to do things for our parents and our children at the same time. This has made life even more of a relay race, when added to a 24/7 communication and work cycle.

We can only imagine the steady progression over time with which our parents and grandparent’s generations marked the passage of time in their lives. The ways other generations used to ‘wind down’, of necessity, needs to be different from what might work for us today.

Teaching yourself the survival skills we need will come to us, when we consciously learn more about what we need to do to maintain our sense of balance and perspective. This will take self-mastery and self-knowledge, since each of us responds to stress differently.

How we recognize stress and how we teach ourselves to decrease and diffuse it, has become crucial, if we expect to live a longer life that is also a healthy one.

WE WANT WHAT WE WANT

The value we place on something depends on how much we want it. The most beautiful thing in the world could be right in front of us for the asking and we would pass it by for something to add to what we already collect.

My late husband collected 78 r.p.m. records. When I first met him I would buy some in album cases for him. I marvelled that I could get several for, what I thought, was a reasonable price. It was not long however, that I learned that in some cases a whole room of 78’s had no value to him, but one record with a crack on the edge could be worth $1000 US because of its rarity. I am sure the desirability of an item is the same whether someone wants matchboxes or stamps or plates or metal boxes.

The late Duchess of Windsor titled her book, ‘The Heart Has Its Reasons’. I think she was right. Although none of us will ever know someone else’s reasons, the decisions they make will be based on what they feel is important to them to meet their needs.

In romance, the ‘blind date’ very often turns out to be a dud, not because there is always something wrong with the person, our well intentioned friends thought to pair us up with. More likely it did not work because we may not feel that mysterious ‘chemistry’ towards that person, or simply because we sense they will not meet our needs at the time.

None of us see what others see either about other people or things. If we give up as ‘matchmakers’ we may just be doing both ourselves and our friends a favour.

Ultimately we do what we feel is right for us at the time. If it doesn’t work out, we can console ourselves that we made the best decision we could at the time, or that we learned something from the experience and won’t make the same mistake next time.

With life, there is always a next time. That is what so great about life. When we are at the right place, at the right time, something pretty magical happens and our whole life changes for the better in the blink of an eye. This is a good reason to approach each day with optimism and good spirits. How else can we be open to the magic the day might have in store for us. 

DODGING THE BULLET - CIVIL WARS

Most of us will never be in a position of having literally to dodge a real bullet. Normal urban life, with its dangerous drivers and large crowds, all heading in the same direction as we are, are usually the most perilous part of our days physically.

Emotionally however, I find life is more of a potential minefield than it ever was. Not only do I see and hear more raised voices and shouting but also the tolerance of other people seems to be reaching a very low level.

It seems almost anything can be the ‘tipping point’ for upset, argument and probably, at the very least, hurt feelings.

With pettiness, gossip, trivia and shopping consuming our time and interest, perhaps it is only fitting that short attention spans and short fuses have come together and brought us to a quick boil.

Yesterday a man in a local coffee shop exploded at the serving people because he felt that someone else was getting their drink before him. His reaction was explosive and loud and full of swearing.

For me, other than relating to comedy, raised voices should indicate that something very terrible has occurred.

However, in the past week, twice in coffee shops, seriously upset shouting and tirades happened around and/or in one case, most unexpectedly was actually directed at me.

Maybe the culprit is the Coffee Shop. I sure hope not because they are ubiquitous and on almost every corner in Toronto.

Considering that most of us probably can’t afford to go to bars, or don’t want to, perhaps someday soon someone will go ‘postal’ in a coffee shop in Toronto.

Let’s hope that as the weather cools down, people will also calm down, if only because the alternative may be having a Stroke. 

CHANGE OF PLAN

None of us can predict what the new day has in store for us. Having a routine and leaving a little room for the unexpected allows you to adjust to both the unexpected problems and the possibilities which may be coming your way. Life teaches us that even when things seem relatively normal, suddenly you, or someone near you, might find yourself dodging some unexpected curve in the road.

Yesterday for example, was a fairly normal day. Personally, I did not have any particular or urgent problems. Among other things I got a haircut, which as most women know, usually helps you look better and translated for females into feeling better too.

When I saw a friend passing by the café I was in, I made a point of talking to him and asking about our mutual friend who is undergoing Cancer treatments at this time.

  

Meanwhile, my own situation was not giving me big problems and the rest of my day involved a fairly mundane and routine day, such as congratulating my nieces on their graduation day tomorrow and checking that my cards to them arrived. The day ended with doing a large laundry.

So, you wake up today and things again seem relatively normal. We all know the routine, stagger out of bed, make a coffee, look at what we have to get done today and plan to go to the bank as well, both to pay a bill and get some cash for the upcoming long weekend.

A call to a friend to make plans for a get together causes us to have to check for which day we are meeting someone else for our appointment with them. The second person tells us his wife had a mild heart attack last Sunday and hadn’t wanted any phone calls right away. Also, their car just broke down last night and needs repairs. Our meeting with them will be delayed.

Your normal day is slightly changed. However, their days have not been ‘normal’ for a week. Any plans you were making with them have to go on hold. Their situation is obviously more serious, as was that of your friend in treatment.

The point is, whatever you expect might be happening today or tomorrow, you will be able to accommodate them better life leave some room for the ‘change of plans’, life may require of you.

The changes are not always in response to some emergency, it is just being realistic and leaving a bit of time for what comes up unexpectedly in your day. Then, when you have a change in your plans it does not cause quite as much upset as it might if you didn’t have any flexibility and were solidly loaded down from morning till night.

P.S. And then tonight, a friend says that she has just learned she had a ‘silent’ heart attack at some point. As I said, it started as a normal day for me…but life takes off and goes on all around us. Best to leave some room for the unexpected, so it doesn’t throw you too far off kilter.

GOING BALLISTIC

Usually most of us don’t want to live our lives being angry and upset about everything. We find instead that most situations are lived with, and usually easily resolved, by our using common sense and making reasonable judgments in the course of our daily lives.

I think it is safe to say, even about subjects we feel more strongly about, most of us don’t often abandon cooperation and diplomacy. Of course, things sometimes happen which might be delay or upset us, but usually few people are seriously harmed when some of life’s small daily inconveniences intrude briefly in our lives.

  

Even when we feel we need to voice stronger opinions or disagreement with someone else, most of us will pick our battles. 

   

I personally save my greatest indignation for people who I consider just plain stupid. Particularly those making thoughtless statements that can be fatal to others, are what annoys and even angers me.

What I go ballistic about is someone declaring that, if they were they to get Cancer, they personally will not permit treatment.

I usually suggest that anyone who knows such a person, should respond to them by asking what type of flowers this person would like sent to their funerals.

I also wouldn’t advise them to go running their mouth on this subject in front of me.

I worry especially because such declarations, unlike a lot of gratuitous (and often worthless) free advice, is different in that it might actually prove fatal to someone who paid attention to it, rather than to what their considerably better informed medical people suggest.

Instead of talking rubbish, I think I have a nice tidy solution to any little frisson of discomfort such a tricky subject might arouse in them.

I think they might buy themselves a nice T-shirt and matching running shoes; then pose for the media in their cute little outfits. Maybe, if they can spare the time, they might perhaps pass out badges or water for a few minutes at some charitable fundraising event. 

They will be able to congratulate themselves on how noble, kind and generous they are for another year. Later, after they stop on the way home to buy themselves an extra serving of organic veggies for dinner, they will feel reassured that they take so much better care of themselves than everyone else, that such a problem will never be theirs. An added bonus is that they can also tell their friends of their noble contribution to this ‘terrible problem’.

I feel no qualms about my own righteous indignation on this subject since I long ago needed to personally decide whether I was going to play ‘russian roulette’ with my own life by declining treatment.

Facing your possible imminent mortality is something most of us would wish to avoid at almost any cost. When you are given no choice, however, it is truly ‘crunch time’. Often there is an added concern that often there might be no time to waste.

I wrote about my own experiences in an earlier essay a few years ago about what life is like Before Cancer and how it changes your life irrevocably After Cancer is diagnosed.

I expect that the rather undiplomatic hospital department head who told me and the other doctor’s in the room, ‘this patient can live, BUT not without treatment’ might actually have prolonged my life since the Millennium.

I was quite upset and wanted to run away. I remember that I felt the need to get dressed quickly. However, I also realized that I had better quickly make a decision to accept the hospitals generous offer.

I sensed that I had few alternatives, and there were likely so many, many other desperate people who would appreciate any help at all. The added concern is that, if I delayed I might make a decision quickly enough to save my life.

Yes, it’s a personal choice, but one with consequences for your life and that of anyone who cares for you. Choose wisely.

Let others, who have the luxury of philosophizing about it theorize about what they think they might do should they someday be placed in the unenviable, possibly life threatening position in which you presently find yourself.

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

It’s true that breaking up with someone you’ve had a relationship with is hard to do. It sometimes feels like there is probably enough pain and sorrow to last us all a lifetime. Mercifully, although occasionally it does last a lifetime, usually it does not.

Yesterday someone told me that they were trying again to permanently end a 3 year relationship. She also said that some young guys in our building were also suffering recent break ups.

I can’t say I’m surprised. In fact, I suspect these days there are probably more people than ever walking around with heartache and sorrow about recently broken relationships. 

In general, I think that probably most people no longer hang around to work on a relationship, even when it might have worked out; they seem instead to push off and go on to the next one instead.

However, experience teaches us that healing emotionally takes longer than just physically leaving a relationship. In fact, when a breakup is fresh, it is hard to believe we will ever feel better and that one day it will all vaguely be part of your past; but it is true. 

Time really does heal all wounds and wounds all heels, but not for a while.  

I found it personally interesting a week or so ago when I spotted someone from a few years ago. He did not see me and we did not talk as I was going by in a bus. I briefly remembered thinking about how long it took for me to get on with my life because I took a long time to say goodbye for good and not let him come back into my life over and over again with occasional phone calls.

  

Seeing him again, after all this time, I thought, he looks tidy and neat. He is wearing a nice pair of sunglasses. I wondered what he is doing in my area, last I heard he was running a business out of town? Finally, and perhaps significantly, I wondered who he might be sponging off now. Very different observations from those I would have made while we were involved.

Nevertheless, each of us in our own time eventually is able to take our own advice and practice what we preach. We finally, if belatedly, do KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE – AND – tell them not to call again. Shortly after you realize you can begin to move forward again.

Long ago I wrote an essay: KISS YOUR EX GOODBYE – FRIENDS I THINK NOT. Like most people perhaps, it just took a while for me to take my own advice and get my life back.