WAKE UP CALL - IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

Surprise! It’s already February. How long since you put your New Year Resolutions away? Me too.

Nevertheless, because I believe every day is a chance to begin again, I wake up every morning ready to see what the day has in store for me. In addition, I usually have plans of my own for it too.

Recently however, unusually I am humming the song “Time”* to myself. And, like Chantal Kreviazuk, I am asking myself ‘Time where did you go?’ Is it actually passing faster? Sure seems to be.  

As you probably already know, if you’ve read other of my essays, I don’t think life is too short. However, I hope I am wise enough to know that if we don’t pay attention to the days, the months just slip away. All too soon, just as we are now, we are into another year, with a month already past.

This is enough of a message for me to think again about what I plan to do this year. I don’t need to be hit over the head by some crisis to think again that soon a lot of time will have passed and I am still working on things I hoped to finish before the New Year.

I don’t want to be one of those people who is finally finishing with a 2013 backlog (as I have been this morning) and still not moving onto the next stage of my writing and quite a few other things I would prefer to be doing.

All of us can make excuses. I don’t even want to think about my own, let alone yours.

If it makes you feel better, recite them to yourself…Once. Should be easy, they are always readily available. This time, though, determine to put them away, rather than postponing yet again what you need to do and more importantly, what you want to do.

So, what I think both of us could do next is think about what we need to do, then what we want to do, then ask ourselves if we are serious about doing these things. Otherwise, when March starts we’ll both be right back here, three months into 2015 and still ‘sitting’ on our excuses. If not now, when?

*Song – TIME – Chantal Kreviazuk – 2003

THE IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Last week I went to hear a talk about some of the stress related problems people have. At one point someone asked about something called “The Imposter Syndrome”.*

Someone else said they never heard anyone but Millennials/Generation Y worry about this.

Apparently however, Generation Y is not the only group that concerns themselves about whether they will be ‘found out’ as not as smart, deserving, talented or experienced as others think they are. An older woman said she had felt this way all of her life. As she kept getting promoted, she always doubted that she deserved the recognition she kept getting throughout her life.

The Imposter Syndrome according to Caltech Counseling Center is described as ‘a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fradulence’.** It is often exhibited by 'high achievers'.

You feel that you are a fake, you think that any success you have came to you because of luck, you downplay and dismiss any success you have.

A combination of fear of success, pressure you feel about not failing and the way your family viewed your abilities and often also family messages about superiority, may all contribute to making high achievers feel they are hiding the truth about themselves from others and risk exposure.

This made me wonder at something that Princess Diana said about feeling ‘unworthy’ which might have contributed to the problems she had while Princess of Wales.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way but apparently up to 70% of people do according to Margie Wardell*

Meanwhile, someone pointed out that there are a lot of ‘fake’ people out there, so I should not be surprised that some people might worry about being ‘found out’.

Considering the admiration our society gives to wealth and status, it is not surprising that some people try to appear, richer, smarter or more clever than other people, by whatever means they can.  

Our society even identifies ‘Trophy Wives’ who are Women who seem to ‘sell’ themselves to the males of high status or wealth. Such trade offs, in this case of looks or desirability, hearken back to ‘The Dollar Princesses’ who came to Europe from America in the last century to exchange their cash for high status titles of impecunious lords.***

Everyone knows someone who they consider a ‘poseur’ or fake. Often this label is well deserved. Personally I doubt many of this type suffer either remorse or concern about deceiving others.

The Imposter Syndrome on the other hand may require counseling and help to sort out perceptions a person is harbouring versus the reality. 

Fear of being found wanting in knowledge, talent, or ability in the face of a perfectly qualified but self-doubting individual apparently can be helped by a realistic reevaluation of the actual abilities, skills and talents the person possesses.

*http://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2014/04/03/impostor-syndrome/print/ Afraid Of Being ‘Found Out?’ How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome – Maggie Wardell Forbes 04/03/2014

**https://counseling.caltech.edu/general/InfoandResources/Impostor Caltech – Caltech Counseling Center – The Imposter Syndrome

***Books: TO MARRY AN ENGLISH LORD - by Gail MacColl and Carol McD. Wallace and THE DOLLAR PRINCESSES by Ruth Brandon 

BECAUSE I'M HAPPY*

Tonight a Cab Driver told me to forget the fare because the ride to the nearest subway turned out to be less than 2 blocks away. I wished him a blessing to his day and life and gratefully thanked him.

A moment later, when I smilingly told the subway fare collector he was amazed.

He said though that smiles are what make his day worth living. I told him that I think Smiles are addictive and contagious. He said yeah, something like yawns, they are sort of automatic.

Yawns however, don’t make us Smile. We only pass them on because we can’t help it.

A Smile however, let’s us Pay it Forward. That Smile will keep getting passed on all day. If I ever thought of a reason to Smile, even if it seems a bit of an effort sometimes, this has to be as good of a reason as any.

Earlier tonight as I dragged my sorry Butt out of the house to go to a social event I was thinking two things: The first was that I was Bored, Bored, Bored. The second that like Goldilocks, I had a feeling that everything tonight was going to be too hot or too cold or whatever, but I doubted there would be anything that was just right. Guess what? As usual I was wrong.

I went to hear a talk about the problems people, well, smart people face. I wasn’t expecting much.

Yeah, last night I had insomnia, but that doesn’t happen all the time, thank God.

Sometimes I over think junk…but then I get bored and figure it’s time to do something else and besides it will probably look better in the morning, for example, after I get some sleep.

However, not long ago I saw a documentary about being ‘Happy’ and I decided being Happy was a very good idea. For sure, better than what I had been doing anyway…

Studies now show that 50% of happiness is genetic, 10% is environmental and 40% is up to you/me/us. How is this possible?

Anyway, Pharrell Williams in his song ‘Happy’ had a good idea. I didn’t know that the song came from the movie Despicable Me 2 but I like to go around humming stuff…so why not this. Tonight I looked up the words and I like it even better.

Now I feel happy again. Why? Probably because I decided to be.

Trust me, no one wants to know you when you’re not, so unless you plan to spend a lot of time alone, I figure, decide to GET OVER YOURSELF.

The sooner you teach yourself to get over yourself, the sooner you have a chance to be happy.

However, I figure I didn’t get my bad habits overnight…so, I doubt I can get rid of them immediately either. It might take some practice.

Therefore, I advocate putting a Smile on your face immediately and keeping it there until it is a symbol of real happiness. This may seem to be fake at first, but not for long.

Besides it will not require you to fake it for long. In fact, shortly after you meet someone and greet them with a smile, you will get one back and over and over again to everyone you meet. It’s like an instant return.

You’ve only the pretty meagre grouchiness, brooding and scowl to lose, so why not give Smiling a chance.

Follow up by FINALLY, doing a few things you actually enjoy (even if only in your spare time at first) and soon you will be on your way to be an regularly happy person too.

Good Luck. May happiness make tomorrow better than today. Soon you too might want to ‘clap along because you feel like a room without a roof’ and ‘clap along if you feel that’s what you want to do’.* BECAUSE YOU’RE HAPPY TOO.

*Song – Happy – Pharrell Williams 2013 – soundtrack for movie Despicable Me 2 

AFTERWARDS - Living to Fight Another Day

There are times when I look at my scars and tell myself I’ll never wear a Bikini again. Any feeling I have about this lasts about 20 seconds.

I am aware that I am one of the lucky ones…I survived. In fact, I thrived.

No one could have told me I would be greeting the Millennium facing an operation for a Tumour. 

No one could have told me that 5 years later I would be a Widow or that a year after that I would be living a very different life yet again.

I believe in faith, hope and love. Destiny I’m not so sure about but life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans in some of John Lennon’s immortal words.

Most people I know seem to spend some time thinking about their purpose in life and join in the search for meaning of some sort to explain their existence.

I think about how carefree life was B.C. – before Cancer and how different life became forever more A.C. – after Cancer. I wrote about this once.

I decided to accept the advice of my doctor’s and get treatment. Had I not, I may not have been here today.

In fact, a couple of years ago I was outraged by the media talk about how some people are deciding not to have treatment or do not want to have scars (physical and/or emotional). Herein lies a lot of potential bad choices about something every one of us needs to make informed decisions about.

I personally would not suggest either mainstream media 'talking heads' reading their talking points or the Internet for serious and potentially life altering decisions.

I have a blue dot between my Breasts. It looks like a dot. Someone looking at it might think a tattoo or a spot made with indelible ink. It was a marker for radiation positioning. I am glad it was put on my chest.

Subliminally I realize it is one of the steps others took to make it possible for me to survive. It is a war scar, a battle scar perhaps. Without it, I might be dead a long time now.

I try to not assume my choices are the best ones for someone else. Experience has taught me to see beyond the surface more often than I did in the past.

Often now, I tend to suspect that my fellow man is usually not someone who wears their hardship on their sleeves or looks any different from anyone else. I do this now because often unexpectedly someone tells me their story and I am humbled and stunned that they overcame so much and smile and are moving forward into the future.

Rudyard Kipling wrote the poem IF to illustrate what life might throw at us and challenge us with.* The poem Invictus ends by stating I am the captain of my fate: I am the master of my soul.**

Both poems challenge us to overcome the obstacles that life might throw at us, to live our lives with courage and integrity.

If we are very lucky, before our life is over we also may have learned sympathy, compassion, forgiveness and charity towards those around us and learned what was important.

I’d rather be known for having Integrity than for almost anything else. What would you like to be known for during your life and afterwards?

*IF – by Rudyard Kipling, a poem written in 1895, published in 1910. **Invictus – a poem written in 1875 and published in 1888 by William Ernest Henley.


See also: April 7, 2013 - B.C. - BEFORE CANCER and A.C. - AFTER CANCER and 
January 18, 2015 - SURVIVAL SKILLS

WHEN YOU'RE SMILING*

Last year I decided that Smiling was both addictive and contagious. I still believe this and think it also is a big help in getting through the day…any day.

The world does smile back when you smile at it. 

Although little children are the most fun and most spontaneous, almost anyone you smile at during the day smiles back at you. Both of you probably continue your day feeling a little more cheerful.

Although today is sunny, it is still a winter day. Coming home, even as early as 5 p.m. in the dark with the wind seems to feel like ice cutting into your face for the last 100 yards, we could all use a little bit of cheering up.

It may seem too simple to be effective, but I truly believe it works. You won’t know until you try it.

Join me in passing on a smile, deliberately, and at the first opportunity you get and see if it works for you as well as it has for me.

*When You’re Smiling was written by Larry Shay, Mark Fisher and Joe Goodwin in 1929. It was made famous by Louis Armstrong who recorded it at least 3 times. Duke Ellington, Billie Holliday and Frank Sinatra also sang it.

SURVIVAL SKILLS

It was 15 years ago today that I was operated on for a Tumour. On Christmas Eve 1999 in the morning I was told it was not a Cyst but a Tumour and that I should not read anything much until I could speak to my doctor in early January and that I had an operation date of January 18, 2000.

When I saw my family that evening for our family Christmas celebration I told them what little information I had.

Millenium night was strange because I wondered whether I would be seeing another New Year ever. It is a funny feeling to watch the world celebrating a new Millenium and wondering if you were closing off your life.

I stayed up until Greece was showing the dawn of January 2^nd and finally went to sleep determined to accept whatever was ahead of me. I was actually quite calm about it.

The operation looked fine and I was told what I showed was usually benign…but it wasn’t. A few months later I began Chemotherapy followed by Radiation. 

Luckily a woman in the salon at the hospital found me a ‘perfect’ wig and so as I lost my hair on my head, and eventually everywhere else, I was not noticeably different in appearance. In fact, my hair may actually have looked consistently better.

I won’t say Chemotherapy was easy. It has a habit of travelling through your body as it wishes and, in my case, Radiation made me so tired, I could have slept on any flat surface, including the middle of the road.

Somehow we find the strength within us to accept what we must do...once you decide what you want to do about the predicament in which you find yourself.

There is both more support from people around you, and perhaps less support as well, when some of those in your life withdraw from you.

I remain grateful to all of those who were with me then, and all of those with me now. You have supported and encouraged me. You have taught me how much we receive help…and how we can in turn support and encourage and help others.

My only advice to those of you who have just received the toughest news you may ever get is - when you are told you have something to deal with, look at your options, consider what you need and want. 

Get help. Accept help, because you actually need it.

Surround yourself with people you can trust to communicate with you in a way you can understand and put yourself in their…and God’s hands.

Whether you know me personally or not, consider that I am still here and today marks 15 years later…and as I am fond of saying – STILL TALKING CRAP. 

I am also however, living and breathing. For this I am joyful and grateful and thankful.

Also I find myself usually actually happier than I ever was, and possibly deserve to be.



*See also: April 7, 2013 - B.C. - BEFORE CANCER and A.C. - AFTER CANCER and January 20, 2015 - AFTERWARDS - Living to fight another day

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE*

It is sweet to hear someone call someone else the Light of their Life. We know they are lucky and love the person they are talking about.

Whether this person is your friend, your partner, your lover or your parent, you are fortunate to have this powerful positive force in your life.

Much of the time when we are growing up is spent in teaching us that we need to learn to ‘stand on our own two feet’ and thereby become independent and self-sufficient.

We come to realize, as we grow up and mature that when we can share our days and our lives with someone else, especially if that person understands and accepts us, we are being given something priceless. We call these people ‘rara avis’ (literally a rare bird) because they are rare, unique and special.

Human nature however is such that we become used to even such beautiful people when they are among us for a while. This may lead us perhaps to neglect to, show and say, how happy we are to have them in our lives and how much they make our lives better.

When I write, I don’t think that I am exempting myself from neglecting to appreciate the many wonderful things and people in my life. Instead I think it is important for each of us, myself perhaps especially, to remember just how fortunate we are.

On my blog sites, people send me fascinating information and, of course, awe inspiring and very beautiful photographs of our wonderful world. Among the information is something I have just discovered is called the ‘STATE OF THE VILLAGE REPORT’**. On one page, an excerpt of which appears below, we are made aware statistically of just how fortunate we are.

Meanwhile, how many people, including me and you, actually pause, even occasionally to consider how lucky we are. I belatedly do occasionally but not often.

While I do not beat myself up that I am better off, through an accident of birth, than many people in other parts of the world; it is I think right and appropriate that I take a moment from time to time to be grateful for the great gift of life and the privileges I have been given in life because I was born into North American society and had the benefits which my ancestor’s left their native land forever, just before the First World War, to give us.

Later this week, I will a bit belatedly celebrate with my family, Ukrainian Christmas as part of a family party including a niece’s landmark birthday.

I will take a moment, hopefully with all of my family present that day, to thank my ancestors and all of those who celebrated Christmas on January 7th all those many generations before me and made it possible for the rest of us today to be celebrating in freedom and comfort. It is my privilege and my debt to thank them and those other beautiful people who Light Up My Life.

*YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE – song - In 1977 Pat Boone’s daughter Debbie had this hit song on her first album. It was written by Joe Brooks and recorded by Kasey Cisyk for the soundtrack and film of the same name. It ranks 7th on Billboard’s All Time Top 100.

**http://www.odt.org/Pictures/popvillage.pdf – STATE OF THE VILLAGE REPORT (important excerpt below)

“The following is also something to ponder...If you woke up this morning healthy ... you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the fear and loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture,or the pain of starvation ... you are better off than 500 million people in the world. If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep ...you are more comfortable than 75% of the people in this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If you can read this, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all”.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE

There are two ways of spreading the light, you can be the candle or the mirror that reflects it said Edith Wharton.

By now, most of you know that I believe that we can ‘be the change we wish to see in the world’. The person who was quoted believed it too.

Since we’ve got a New Year to work with, many of us, are trying to renew ourselves by shoring up our resolve to make it a good one.

Some of us still make Resolutions. The bravest among us write them down. Not me. I am just glad that I smiled a lot more in 2014 and turned many lacklustre or potential bad days around.

You turn a potential bad day around by deciding not to let a generally bad start or lateness or some early upset carry on into the rest of your day. This is not always easy, I admit, but it is important to your health and well being.

Last year I thought about something that happens to all of us and wrote about it in an essay I called NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. In it I thought about how someone having a bad day can potentially pass it on to everyone they meet that day.

I am not innocent of this and, in fact, had to give myself a TIME OUT a couple of days before Christmas. Just because I was feeling stressed didn’t mean that everyone I met deserved to get it from me.

So often what is happening around us is just like this, nothing much to do with you. However, it is almost too easy to pick up someone else’s vibes and pass them on.

Unfortunately Misery does love Company. Unlike Smiling, which is often addictive and contagious in a good way; Misery instead more often leads to more people stressing out and negativity.

I believe that you can give people a little bit of encouragement and support as you move through your day, even with something as simple as a Smile.

If you initiate positive feelings by being nice, or at the very least courteous to those you meet, you might find that you become a positive force in the lives of the people you meet.

Not all of us can’t do this easily, or often. Sometimes we can’t do it at all because we simply don’t have the energy to spare. However, we can make ourselves aware that our day might be better if we try consciously to reflect the light around us. All it takes is trying to find the positive and adopting it ourselves. This is especially useful when we are having a tough day.

There are times when it seems a steady diet of gloom and doom is coming at us. Whether it comes from watching the news where the slogan is: If it bleeds, it leads; or just from thinking our day, week, month or life in general is bad news; we can begin to think that life and living are a downer.

If you want to do yourself one favour, make one resolution for a better New Year. Determine to remind yourself that you are better off than millions of other people are right at the moment. You know this is true, even if you grudgingly admit this only to yourself.

However, if you are determined to have a bad day, I hope you enjoy it because otherwise, it would be a terrible waste of your time.

Most of us have unfortunately run into someone determined to find something wrong with everyone and everything around them. Rather than looking in their own mirror, they go out and force the rest of us to decide whether we want to enjoy their bad day too.

It’s hard for me to understand anyone who might enjoy being known for ugly negativity and gloom, whether it is how they decide to look or in how they choose to behave. Luckily sometimes we can ignore them and go back to enjoying our own happier lives.

It sometimes makes me wish that everyone who chooses this, would form a group and mingle exclusively among similarly minded miserable people like themselves. Too much to hope for I guess.

Each of us may need to consider what sort of year we want to have, and start to look forward to making it possible. It is possible.

You and I are able to have something to say about whether this is the year we consciously decide to make it happen. The not so wonderful alternative is to begin, and worse still, end this year thinking again that 2015 was ‘same old, same old’.