ME FIRST - TOTALLY IN YOUR FACE

People are becoming very excessive in expressing their emotions these days. No longer can you usually depend on the exercise of common sense as you move through your day. Uninhibited self expression seems to be what we can expect, and must accept, wherever we go in public. Our language now includes many new words and phrases to reflect a changing reality of more emotionalism, anger and fatalistic acceptance.*

For example, Road Rage is now a commonly understood expression of anger by drivers. The warning 'Don't even go there' warns those around you that they are asking for an argument if they pursue a subject with you. In fact some of us may be 'cruising for a bruising' and could experience physical violence if we persist. 

Last year, this seemed sometimes to result in gun violence, serious injury or death. We began to wonder whether any of us might find ourselves 'caught in the crossfire' or be attacked if we accidentally antagonized someone. As a result, you may have the lowest overall crime rates in decades, but the violent nature of the crimes that are committed, makes them popular and appealing to a media, who's motto is 'if it bleeds, it leads'.  

Meanwhile, less violently thankfully, but somewhat fatalistically perhaps, 'it is what it is' now is said easily and often. This indicates a tacit acceptance, resignation even, that nothing is expected to change about an issue. Basically 'it is what it is'...so 'suck it up' and accept it. You can also 'knock yourself out'. This tells the other person that you know that whatever you say they will do what they want anyway. Unfortunately, this sometimes involves forcing those around them out of their way.

I guess more people are feeling that it is 'easier to ask forgiveness than permission'. Besides they want it, need it, gotta have it, and are gonna have it. Probably they feel they 'deserve' it. After all, 'life is short', unfair, 'everyone else is doing it' and 'you only live once'. **

In view of all this self expression, much of the above being in anger, I need to ask how did our relations with each other deteriorate to this point? Is all of this emotionalism and 'entitlement' here to stay? Must we really be made to feel everyone's 'pain'? Or do we just shut out the 'noise' coming at us and keep moving.

Let's face it, 'too much information' is not just telling people that they are telling us more than we would ever want to know about something; it is also trying to let them know that we really don't want to know any more of the details. We are imploring them to 'spare me' from hearing about this. This is especially true when someone, in a public place, seems to either not care or perhaps wants everyone within hearing range to hear whatever they are talking about today.

At least with a 'Reality Show' on the media, the people who choose to broadcast details of their lives, or play act a script purporting to do so, gives you a chance to switch it off. I wish that in 'real life', like in the movie 'Click' that you could postpone or better yet, shut off the other people around us. This applies  especially to the strangers among us who seem to have an endless need to 'share' their experiences with anyone within earshot. Fat chance.***

NOTE: See also - From 2013:  *ACTING UP AND ACTING OUT (2013) and

                                                  **LIFE IS NOT TOO SHORT and

                                                  ***UNREAL REALITY.

                             

PICK A BETTER COUNTRY (FROM 2012)

Sadly the last century's horrific death tolls seem not to have taught us two basic principles that can carry us peacefully through most of our lives: Do what you are able to do for yourself and Mind your own Business. Nevertheless, through some quirk or inherent problem in the human psyche, Totalitarianism of some type seems to occur perhaps as often as once a generation. 

As I have stated before, the isms of the past century did not hold much appeal for me. We were always aware that our grandparents homeland was 'a prison' to millions, who were not as lucky as we were to have left before the Communists so ably demonstrated what losing your freedom really meant. (See also my blog of 10/21/2011 Some comments about the 'isms' that ravaged the 20th Century)

Instead, of a Berlin Wall to keep us in, two generations of my family were happy to be in a new country that did not need to prevent people from leaving. In fact, instead we lived in Canada, where someday we might, like the United States, have to somehow try and keep people out.

As Winston Churchill once said, “It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.” My thinking exactly.

General Dwight D. Eisenhower, later President of the United States, as Commanding General of the Allied Forces, made certain that hundreds of photographs were taken of the Concentration Camps in Germany and othe parts of Europe. He stated that without this, someday someone would deny it ever happened. How quickly this became reality. 

If people would consider that our system may be the least worst one in history, they would perhaps appreciate more what our country has accomplished in its brief history. Today's trend of trying to 'interpret' history to suit current popular sentiments, deprives us of understanding the times during which the events occurred.

A book such as "Eyewitnesses to History" related the accounts of people who were present when various historical events occured. For example, the Hindenburg Explosion in Lakehurst, New Jersey in 1937.

Keeping contemporary records and studying history as it was written, seems an excellent way for us to record and share events with both present, and perhaps more importantly, future generations.  They would soon learn that many other experiments were tried, and found in practice, to be considerably worse.

I hope that like me other Canadians, at the very least, appreciate that we enjoy greater freedoms than a hundred other countries of the world, even today. 

In fact, many people who emigrate to Canada immediately enjoy much greater freedom, than they ever would have in their native lands. This fact, however, does not stop some of them from trying to force us to accept some idea of theirs of yet another 'utopian' home (away from home) that never could or would exist where they came from. 

What is missing in the 'nationalistic' longings of immigrants, my own included, is the gratitude for and appreciation that the way of life and government which exists here in North America was and is an experiment which created a unique place on earth never tried before and which for the first time in history, accepted almost anyone who wanted to join in and contribute to it. 


NOTE: SEE ALSO - DON'T TRIVIALIZE TRAGEDY - FROM OCTOBER 22, 2011

FOREVER YOUNG 2 - CELEBRATING YOUR SUCCESS (FROM 2012)

When I read the book Forever Young - the 'Teen-aging' of Modern Culture by Marcel Danesi, he was analyzing and illustrating the ways in which the older generation is trying to remain 'youthful' and keep age at bay by aping the young in music, clothing and culture.

Whatever it was that was pushing adults to look and act young, whether it is a fear of aging or that  our society seems to worship the young; those trying to dress and act their children's age or to act as a  friend or peer rather than a parent were making themselves seem peculiar and sometimes even  ridiculous.  

If for some reason you find yourself competing with young Women for attention, you would be wise to recognize you are probably making yourself look insecure. You are likely also forgetting all you have to offer in experience and knowledge and sophistication. 

Even worse, when you begin pretending, to yourself or others, that your child is younger than they actually are, perhaps in some strange hope you might turn back the clock, you might consider that a second childhood isn't any prettier in women than it is in men. You all know what I mean by that.

I suspect that some of Parents want the 'Child' to stay a Child. This is possibly in the hope of making the Parent feel more youthful and 'with it'.

Trying to be friendly and interested in younger people is one thing, provided you realize that you cannot be their contemporary. If you think for a moment, why would you want to anyway?

A Parent, who is trying to be like their kids, is also probably not providing them with the direction and encouragement towards self sufficiency the Children will need to survive independently. The child developing toward adulthood needs mature and confident role models to emulate, not some insecure mother who wishes she was 20 again. At worst, you will lose their respect and earn only their disdain. 

It is actually quite lovely to have people realize that your daughter gets her 'good looks' from her resemblance to you, rather than the bogus flattery of saying you look like sisters. All but the vainest woman would know that is untrue. 

If you are a confident, mature Mother, you would not want your accomplishments to appear comparable to your developing child.

If nothing else, your clothes shouldn't look like those a teenage girl's any more than hers should look like yours. There are enough choices out there for everyone to look pretty terrific and attractive and still dress suitably reflect your age and accomplishments.

A rethinking of what forms of youthfulness are desirable and appropriate to a fully Mature, confident and accomplished Woman, will soon remind you of how much you have achieved and how you have earned the right to accept and love yourself.

You long ago left behind any need to be validated by anyone but yourself and those who proudly recognize your achievements and celebrate the beautiful mature Woman you developed into along the way to where you are now.


SEE ALSO - FOREVER YOUNG - DENYING YOURSELF HAPPINESS (2011& 2013)

HOW LYING BECOMES A WAY OF LIFE (2012)

I wished I hadn't overhead a young guy practicing his lying during two phone calls on the bus, but seated next to him it was all I could do to not tear the phone out of his hand and save his poor mother years of heartbreak and pain.

This was on Thursday February 9th, 2012, but I have never forgotten how his lying practice was developing into something he would unfortunately only improve as time went on. 

The first call was brief. It was almost 2p.m. The young man/boy was calling a potential employer to quickly tell them that he would not be able to go to his scheduled appointment with them because, 'Something really important came up'. He asked if he could reschedule for the same time the next afternoon. The potential employer agreed.

The second call was to his obviously very concerned mother or grandmother and was very long. It also gave him many, many opportunities to tell her even a small truth in between so very many lies, but he kept piling more and more on.

His lies to her were so frequent and became so gratuitous and embellished that I could barely restrain myself from telling his mother the truth in a loud enough voice for her to hear me. Underlying my emotional response was great sadness. I was more offended though at how he added more and more lies to her obviously genuine concern for his well being.

To this day I wish I had said something instead of moving away because I didn't want to hear any more. I don't know how, but I might have spared her years of pain and heartbreak as he continued to perfect his technique at her expense, while draining her hopes and probably needing financial sacrifices from her as well.

Maybe I am wrong, and he actually went to interview the following day, with the updated resume he laboured over for the rest of that Thursday and got the job. However, I doubt it. 

Perhaps initially he had begun by telling a small lie to cover a small mistake, or excuse for coming home late or having forgotten something. Later it might have been to avoid a reprimand or punishment. 

Now in High School, although he is still a young Liar, he was already finding lying easier than telling the truth. He lied so many times in this one conversation that I could tell that he had often done it before and undoubtedly would do it again. With time he will become so good at this,
that one lie will roll smoothly after another.

'Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire' goes the chant. The Liar gives those around him, one lie after another, compounded with more lies being added to explain or support previous lies.

He may think he is smarter than others because initially they believe or seem to believe his lies and he feels his lies worked.

Ultimately, however, The Liar will tell lies even when there is no need for it. He will lie, not to keep someone's feelings from being hurt as he once might have. Nor will he lie to spare the feelings of people who care for him. He will eventually habitually lie because, it will have become how he now lives his life.

I believe one day The Liar will lie because that is what he does, habitually, naturally and even unconsciously. By that time, it is likely that everyone around him for any length of time, not being quite as stupid as he thinks they are, will know him for what he is. They will see him, and hear him but they will ignore The Liar and his lies. Experience will have shown them that The Liar is a Liar and that he lies even when the truth would make more sense to someone more honest.

UNNATURAL SELECTION - BOYS OVER GIRLS (2012)

When reading the financial articles of a friend, he mentioned a book I had picked up at the University of Toronto Book sales, When China Rules the World. He was sceptical that this would come to pass.

I find myself fascinated that we may live to see which of the two most populous countries on earth - China and India - will have the greatest success. Most interesting, is trying to predict which of them might ultimately become the next Super Power.

A book titled Unnatural Selection describes the selection of boys in preference over girls which has taken place in both India and China. It is said that India has practiced infanticide against their girl children until a boy is born so that he might be the eldest child. Meanwhile the one child policy in China has also lead to boys being favoured over girls. The result of this is that there are currently a lot of single boys/men now in their 20's and few girls. This has distorted the demography and could seriously influence the reproductive cycle of the current, and perhaps also, later generations.

With China, the world will possibly be living with/under a Communist regime. For the first time in centuries, the world might need to learn a new language and writing to communicate and try and understand the dominant culture, as well as, a very different perspective on life.

India, meanwhile, is comprised of both a younger and more literate population, that  shares a common language and a government more in keeping with that of previous Super Powers. Might these factors tip the balance in India's favour?

It will be interesting, if we live long enough, to see whether China's ageing population will surpass India's young one in being the next Super Power and which system the Communist or the Capitalist one will prove to be the most effective in making this possible.

MA'AM..SWEETIE (FROM 2012)

Someone once said we all become our Mothers. Lucky for me, I seem to have reached that point.

One symptom of this is my willingness to host family holiday meals and visits. Another is worrying about how everyone in my family is doing.

Beyond this, I seem to have accepted that I don't need the approval of others to feel good about myself. All I need to do is believe I am doing the right thing. I also think that 'what goes around comes around', therefore I don't need to concern myself about rudeness or Type A manias or self-centered people. Such people, are already their own worst enemies and should be left to 'knock themselves out'.

Perhaps I have lived long enough to begin seeing most people I meet in a neutral or positive way as someone might like, or at least, learn something from. 

My smiles for little children are natural and universally genuine in their affection. I genuinely find most little children very sweet and consider them to be 'the cutest things'.

Meanwhile, I can only think that all of this positive energy coming from strangers might be because people are seeing me affectionately because I resemble someone nice in their lives, like their own mothers or a favourite Aunt. To me this is a terrific thing.

Fairly regularly now, younger people stand up and give me their seat on buses and the Subway...yes, it still does happen. The shock of being called Ma'am, since I don't feel like a Ma'am, has worn off and being called Sweetie by a very cute young guy is just fine with me. 

What I see is positive energy is being directed at me by nice people and that with a bit of luck, I am giving out very positive vibes to those I meet...sounds good to me.

A PAL OR A PARENT? (FROM 2012)

A PAL OR A PARENT?

The Family as portrayed by North American media, would appear to have been downgraded in esteem and value.

Descriptions of the Family in the Media use the word 'dysfunctional' so often that, I personally can't imagine what a 'functional' family might be.

The Father, especially in Commercials, is often portrayed a fool, who everyone in the family appear to think and opine they are smarter than. This enables the Father to be dismissed, or at the very least, to be treated as inconsequential.

Meanwhile, although there are various depictions of Mothers in the media today, two models predominate: The Mother as a Single Parent or The Mother as Career Professional:

The Mother as a Single Parent, includes the never married, the divorced and (strangely) also the widowed; The Mother as a Career Woman is someone who is both a wonderful mother and a perfect example to young women that a Woman can 'Have It All'. Unfortunately, this Woman who 'has it all', usually has a Nanny for the Children but not a Husband or Father, living with them. 

I think that the way Parents are portrayed by the Media provide unrealistic role models for growing children today. When coupled with the admiration of the 'youth culture' and what seems to be a dread of being considered old, too many parents have perhaps tried to be considered 'pals' rather than 'parents' to their children. In consequence they have inadvertently, in a most unexpected way, created dependent Adult Children in many parts of the developed world.

One would think therefore, that the Family is no longer the most important influence of growing children. Despite this, Danesi* says that 79% of 12-14 year olds identified parents as people they looked up to in 1999. The next category after this was 13% for athletes.

I would normally applaud this kind of a statistic, however, what I am seeing and hearing about are not confident, self sufficient, mature Adults getting a good education, moving out and building homes and families of their own, but rather dependent Adult Children either unable or unwilling to live independently from their parent(s).

In 2000, the U.S. census found that 4 million people between twenty-five and thirty-four were living with their parents. Danesi also said that the average age of marriage is twenty-six up from 22 years old in 1970 and that child-bearing has been postponed into the mid-thirties.

Historically, you were treated as a grown up Adult at a much younger age. Shorter lifespans may perhaps have necessitated earlier Marriages and Adult responsibilities. Throughout history, people were considered by be grown up once they had experienced Puberty or certainly not long after.

Postponing adult independence, in many cases today, long after adult children have completed their education, allowing them to return to their parental homes after school, after they are divorced (often with the grandchildren) and generally enabling them to continue living in their childhood homes and/or financially dependent upon their parents, sometimes well into middle age, has created an unbalanced society, in which no one acts their age in a way that we might historically have expected to do.

Well meaning, overprotective adults may have, with the best intentions in the world have inadvertently created a world-wide group of Adult 'Children' who became such great Pals to their children that they neglected to be Parents and teach them the rewards and responsibilities of Adulthood.**



*Forever Young - the 'Teen-aging' of Modern Culture by Marcel Danesi

**See also another 2012 blog: I DON'T WANT TO/CAN'T GROW UP

I DON'T WANT TO/CAN'T GROW UP (FROM 2012)

I personally will probably always love the concept of the Family as a mainstay of society. Until recently I was very encouraged that even in 1999, 79% of 12-14 year old Children admired their parents most, with athletes a distant second at 13%.*

Changes in our society however, may be effecting the Parent/Child relationship from being one of healthy role models for growing Children to emulate to creating tragic lifelong dependencies of Children upon their Parents. This may also portend serious consequences ahead for the society that has permitted and encouraged this.

Historically, you were treated as a grown up Adult at a much younger age. Shorter lifespans may perhaps have necessitated earlier Marriages and Adult responsibilities. Throughout history, people were considered by be grown up once they had experienced Puberty or certainly not long after.

The word 'Teenager', is a term which appeared in a magazine article for the first time in 1939. This makes Teenagers a creation of the 20th century. Subsequently, in 1970, a group of Pediatricians formed the Society for Adolescent Medicine and declared that adolescence ended at twenty-six. However, by 1978 they had decided it lasted eight years longer and therefore actually it ended at 34 years of age.

Marcel Danesi says that in 2000, the U.S. census found that 4 million people between twenty-five and thirty-four were living with their parents. He also tells us that the average age of marriage in the U.S. is twenty-six up from 22 years old in 1970 and that child-bearing has been postponed into the mid-thirties.

It hardly matters whether these Adult Children ever left the family home, or whether they returned to it after completing their education elsewhere. Returning (to the parental) home today usually means that Adult Children are asking for (or possibly even demanding) indefinite use of the family home, provided by and paid for by the parents, as well as, financial support, often well into middle age.

This is such a widespread phenomenon that many countries already have a disparaging name for ADULT CHILDREN who are still dependent on their parents. For example, in Italy it is the Bamboccioni ('Big Baby'), in Japan they are called, Parasaito Shinguru (Parasite Singles), in Germany Nesthockers, in Britain Kippers (Kids in Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings). I read that in Canada, by 2006, 31% of men aged 25 to 29 were still sleeping in their childhood bedroom each night.**

With American and European Union courts backing claims such as those of a 34 year old Lawyer for parental support and a daughter in her 8th undergraduate year for a financial allowance; prolonged dependency by young adults who will not be either  confident, self sufficient or mature, is almost guaranteed.

I believe that eventually, we will need to address the consequences of perpetuating children's dependent behaviour and not encouraging and insisting that young adults assume their place in society as a rite of passage, when they should.

The law of unintended consequences could be very harsh indeed when those who were unwilling to be adults, become unable to do so. Like it or not, none of us is going to live forever. Leaving behind a lot of dependent men and women, would be tragic.

Eventually, the Government may need to assume the role (and expenses) of a lifelong 'Parent' to people unable to support themselves after the biological parents of these 'Children' have died.

In essence, however, what the 'Children' are really missing is enjoying the benefits of living a fulfilling, productive, self sufficient and meaningful life.

*Marcel Danesi in his book Forever Young - the 'Teen-aging' of Modern Culture.
**Mark Steyn - After America, p. 112-114

See also blog of 2012 "ADULT CHILDREN"

MODERN DAY HORROR STORIES (see 5/2013 revision)

To read: MODERN DAY HORROR STORIES (see May 23/2013 revision)

Previously this essay was called both - IS THIS WHAT WE ARE BECOMING? and also A LIVING NIGHTMARE (from  2012) It has been revised and reissued May 15 and June 27, 2013 after a great deal of reflection. 

See the new essay elsewhere on this blog. 

Thank you. 

Emme